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Wow.. Been a long time since I've written here..

& my God! What was I thinking, with the coloured backgrounds! 🤮🤮😒

..Anyways..


I'm now married (03 Feb '16), & my son, Caelan Malachi, awaits us in heaven. ..& as of 05 May '20, my 29yo baby brother died of colon cancer.

(Services via Zoom, on the 27th of this month. Ironically, that's the same day JS Jr was assassinated, as my wife pointed out. 🤔🤔😅)

PS:

Overall, we're "happily married" (to Jezebel Rose Ramos-Pardue), but it's definitely been a back-&-forth walk through hell..

..In fact, we've "broken" twice, &, only because of God's Direct (literally to Jez!!) command to "stay together", have we been able to maintain this relationship. ^_^

(Having a wife w/ Asperger's, judgmental upbringing, &, lots of emotional trauma, definitely isn't easy to deal with. ..Especially when one is old, &, has established a "plan" for life, as well as 'became comfortable being alone'.. Or, as the psychological world calls it: 'Schizoid' (ie: strongly dislikes "everyday interaction with ppl" wink ..

On a side note: Thankfully, both me & the wife have SSDI. So, we don't 'need' to fight for our bread-and-butter. ^_^

Here's something I wrote earlier this morning when I had 'My December' stuck in head, and my mood was of mixed emotions.

Yes Jen, I had asked Kris out (again). It wasn?t to get back at you in anyway, nor did it have anything to do w/ you (other than that I wanted to try to move on, and wait for you a bit easier than I do for Beloved). I had done it to see if I knew her as well as I thought I did, and I did. I hoped she?d surprise me and say yes, but I knew she wouldn?t accept me, not like you have always done. I knew she?d say no, although, I didn?t expect her to call me a stalker (I suppose because I have never let go of how I felt about her, only changed it, and would have liked to kept more contact w/ you). I knew that I could pour out my soul to her, and tell her everything I?ve ever felt about her, and she could care less to what I said, and get pissed at me for saying such (although, I suppose, had I not fallen in love w/ you again, nor compared her to you, as you are the better find, she might not have been so pissed). I am glad she denied me my wish to be w/ her, as having asked her, I understand now why I had a bad feeling, why I felt like we wouldn?t go the same path that you and I would go (if you let me help lead us there, anyways), because we wouldn?t. I?d have happily taken you as my wife, and more or less, forgotten Beloved, making you the sole purpose of my life (aside from God of course), and perhaps that may still happen (although, it can?t right now, for I?m dating someone).

Kris, you are afraid. Your afraid to love and/or to be loved by another, because you have been hurt before. Your afraid to ask for help, as well as receive it when it's offered, because you wish to do things on your own; your not strong enough to do it all on your own, and someday when you do ask for help, none will come because you wouldn't let them help when they wanted too...except me, for I will come physically to you, if I am able, and if I cannot help in any way, than I am dead. I had thought to say some things that had been on my mind, that would probably have hurt, but I won't just blurt out what ever comes to mind. instead, I want you to know that I love you, and because you didn't even give me the chance to love you as you wish to be loved, you'll never have me, you'll never have as strong abond and the great love that I have towards your sister, and if you desire, I will leave you alone, to do things on your own, until all you do is fail, for you will fail time and time again if you don't ask for help when you need it. for now and for as long as you wish, I bid you farewell, and I leave you w/ these words, "may you find peace of mind, may you find love and all that you seek, may you again find Christ, for only He can save you, can heal your wounds, and love you no matter how horrible you have been, and know that your not a devil's child, nor have you ever been such"

here's something I had written becuase of Beloved and Kris, when I had again, asked (and explained why I asked) Kris out (and had been denied, like I knew I would have been...see "confession" for more details on that scenerio)...I've a tune in mind, but since the tune I liked (it's one from an anime...don't ask me which one, cuz I don't know, as it was something I burned a long time ago, but if I can send it to you, and you'll know where it's from, that's be nice) is just musical, there's not a certain way you'd sing it, at least for now, but I'm getting my g/f's help (she has a friend whom does music as a profession, much like I intend to do later), which btw, if I ever refer to "gothic sheep", that's me g/f, (whom, ironically has the same name as my ex, Beloved, aka Meagan).

Song of the Crows
Sarrow flows like a blood-filled river, filled w/ the crys of the Damned.
Crys which go unheard by many, and understood by even fewer.
Tears of sadness, betrayal, and unforgoten days alone.
Sarrow fills the void left behind from lost lovers, death, and friends whom became bitter enemies.

'Caw caw' sings the Crow, that dark messenger of death.
"So you have lost your faith...I do not care, for it is only flesh to me"
'Ha ha' sings the Crow, laughing at your feelins of loneliness and the destruction that you bring.

Destruction flows like a tidal-wave, eating what-so-ever lies in it's path.
It's blood stains the strongest of souls, devouring the wholesome fleash.
Anger is its brother and self-centeredness its sister.
Only death can result from those whom do not understand...

Caw caw' sings the Crow, that dark messenger of death.
"So you have lost your faith...I do not care, for it is only flesh to me"
'Ha ha' sings the Crow, laughing at your feelins of loneliness and the destruction that you bring.

Suicide seems like the answer to those whom travel alone in the deepest of sarrows.
The blood-river flowing as the razor eases the pains of the sout; death and child becoming as one.
"Alone I travel these roads, the Forgoten my friends, and there is no hope for me, for I am lost and none will come"
These are the words of the Damned, those that live in death, bring its emptyness w/ them.

Caw caw' sings the Crow, that dark messenger of death.
"So you have lost your faith...I do not care, for it is only flesh to me"
'Ha ha' sings the Crow, laughing at your feelins of loneliness and the destruction that you bring.

"But alas, I have seen the Light, and the whiteness thereof is of the most pure.
I again find love, and all that I have abandoned, and wings shall I obtain once again."
These are the words of the Redeemed, those whom once were lost and knew only Sarrows, whom have held on long enough to find hope.
These are those whom know love, and aren't afraid to try again, despite their feelings of mistrust.
These are those whom Live for life itsself, becoming white and pure, as the dove is white and the oceans are pure.

update: it's been awhile since I've last written, and I've 4gotten most of the details to the dreams, but the lessons are still in mind, and in short, it's that in the end, I'm ment to be w/ mine Beloved, whom I dearly miss...and hope someday she'll realize how much I need her.

Jen, I love you. I love you more then you'll ever know, and I'm sorry that in some ways, you'd be 2nd to meagan. I guess I was right, in thinking, "Tis better to want you and not have you, then to have you and hurt you", and I'm sure it is God's will that we were ment to be just friends, and I wish you luck w/ cody. I promise to always reserve a spot in my heart for you, and if you ever need me, I'll try to be there...at least physically, as I'll always be there in my heart. I hope your father gets better, and perhaps, someday, I'll learn what happened.

testimony: I know that Christ lives, and that He is the Son of God. I know that if we have faith, and show that faith by our actions, He will take care of us, and it is through Him, because of His sacrifice, that we can be saved from both physical death and spiritual death. I know that He is the founder of our world, and through our faith in Him, we can live forever, and have the power to do whatsoever we should put in mind to do. I know that when I pray, talking to Him as I would another freind, He listens and will answer my prayers in His due time. He is love, and love is the greatest of all.

[Above are some dreams I've had at different times, as well as my 'after thoughts' about them. The dreams will be in green, and the thoughts in either blue or silver (I'll alternate). Due to the loss of previous work, I'll do the dreams one at a time (w/ dreams' counting upward [1-4], so that their important ideas would follow in cronilogical order). Now, you may be wondering what makes these particular 4 dreams important? well, the answer to that ? is simple-because I believe they hold important keys (or clues) to what lies ahead in my life, more specifically, the relation between myself, jen, and meagan.

Here's some thoughts I had running through my mind, most of them from the past couple days, some, from a letter to/from (it's a bit of both) a friend....or you could say poems? wink

I love you Jen,
do you know why?
...I do...
I love you, because w/ you, I am free...
free like a bird, flying in the sky,
free like a cat, roaming wherever I please,
free like the rivers of the world, whose consistency flows w/ that of time.

I love you Jen,
do you know why?
...I DO!...
I love you, because you've healed me...
healed me, like an artist whom masterfully fixes a blemish...
healed me, like a doctor taking care of a patient...
healed me, by puting life back into something whom only knew death, for death is what I would have become.

I love you Jen,
and now you know why....or so I hope...for if you do knot, perhaps I can show what I had failed in words.

don't you cry...
...I am here...
Don't you cry...
...I am here...
...Don't you cry...
I am here...
And here, is where I'll forever remain...
next to you...like I belong.

heart sweatdrop I've told the one I love the thought I had had on mind all day (and though I couldn't tell her via phone, as I didn't feel right, I was able to tell her) and I'm glad she understands (as I knew she would). ..tis too bad the computer restarted itself, other wise I'd have told her what I ment (if she wanted to know) by, 'only you could have "woken me up" or "brought me to life" (kinda like the evanessance song, 'bring me to life')' as she did. I had been deeply depressed about not having mine beloved, and just a simple phone call (and a thought of irony of previous events) helped me to put something else, just as important, on mind. Jen- a lot of what is found here will be to you (or about you), and I'd like you to know, that even if you may not be lovely on the outside (something I beg to diff, as I find you very attractive), your a very beautiful and loving person, and best of all, someone whom will listen and give advise. I love you. *grins* xp

Last night, I had realized how much the dream (previously shown) and the feelings from it, would hurt, and so, to help relieve the guilt, I will tell the girl whom I believe is the one from the dream (lets just say it's a strong feeling I have, that they are the same person) exactly how I feel, so that should we 'become more then friends' (of which is solely up to her, as I'll be happy either way), she'll know how we stand.