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Last night I went outside just cuz of the stress. So, I looked to the stars for guidance as they carry the wisdom of the worlds passed. As I began searching for at least one star on a cloudy night, I finally found one, faint but there. I asked for the others to come into view and I started speaking. I told them I wanted at least something to work out. Not just once but for like a life time. Shortly after the clouds departed and circled around where I was sitting in the yard. I saw many there. I went into a trans and saw a man in a white cloak. He pointed at me told me to never give up. Then a light came from him and went into my heart. I then came out of the vision. The stars were covered again by the clouds and I got up and thanked them and went inside.


I realize that there are things about my self that creep people out. I get to close to fast. I really can't help that. Its not my fault I am like that and its not something I can just change. Its not like an addiction. Its the way I have been for a long time and for the first time in my life I feel so alive and happy for my self and not leaning on anyone else. I always wanted to be close with my friends and to say things to them and just...cuddle. It is the real me, not the me that is sheltered and afraid, thats just the shell I put up to protect the inner me. I feel like people want me to change just to be good for them. I don't want them to change, their fine the way they are, however I like them to be honest with me and not lie and a hug here and there doesn't hurt. People don't see how fun loving I am and they try to change that because they think I take it to quick in relationships, they say its not good. IT IS GOOD! To love your self and love life as it is and feel the emotion in it all.

I keep taking on these callenges of love and yet I have not done anything to my self but sit in sorrow. If it was anyone else in the world, they would of killed them selves from the pain, just to escape because they think they can't handle the pain. I have gone through so many things, enduring the pain of heart break and losing friends.

Half the worlds population kill them selves over heart break and about how their families don't care about them. I may sometimes act like I will kill my self because the emotion is just so much to deal with but the big thing about it is...I can't do it no matter how hard I try! Which is what makes me stronger then those other people. My will to live and to just love life for what it is. Even if I may act emo, at least I am happy for who I am and I be my self unlike other people who hide them selves from the world because they are afraid of rejection! I be me every single day. I go outside dress in womans clothing, its hard as hell to see people stare and look at you with discust but you know what...at least I am my self!

So to all the people that want to change me, forget it because I am not changing, I don't need to change who I am just to be with somebody. When I find that one person for my self...they will accept all those good and bad things about me because they love me. I know that, which is why I move on so quickly from heart break.

Just remember, be your self and you can do just about anything!