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My thoughts...now give me a pennie!


PinkuGyu
Community Member
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3 comments
Redoing my second fanfiction...
Redoing it still needs editing and more...
Hi ppl, enjoy!
THis is a second fanfic im writing!
summary: we all now hinata likes naruto, well kiba and shino are going to put them on a blind date. to see if there made for eachother.
In this chapter is far for the blind date discusion.
Hinatas love trouble!
________________________________________
Dawn brakes for the Hyuuga Family, as Hinata Hyuuga awoke.
Gazed by the sun light shining through her window, wondering what time is it, she looked at her clock. Horrified at what time is it she hurryed her self out of bed.
"Oh My God, Im late for pratices" scrolding herself. Quickly she jumped into the shower, then back out, quickly changing and running down the stairs, to find her cousin Neji eating breakfast. WIth no time to spare for a snack, it was out the door. Leaving a bust of noise of the door, which startled Neji.

Still running Hinata looked at her watch and realized she was 20 mins late.
"Darn"
Meanwhile at the practice site, Kureanai sensei, Kiba, and Shino. where already practiceing.
"Come On you two, you;ll never be great shinobi if you don't put some effort into it." kurenai yelled, throwing kunai;s at them.
"Yes Ma'am" both responded.
Seconds later poor, tired out hinata finally arrives.
"Hello. Im....*huff* sorry Im*huff*late" falling on her knees, exhausied from running.
"ITs bout time" KIba said, not paying attention to his training. A kunai flying, almost hiting his face. Kiba fell on the ground.
"Kiba! PAy attention, a shinobi should not be distracted from anything, you could of been killed"there sensei addressed. "Good Morning Hinata" she said.
"Good Morning Everyone" she'd bowed.
"Yeah Yeah, we thought wern't coming to practice" Kiba said getting up.
"Well I woke up late"
"Oh well me and shino thought you where stalking naruto" smirking a smile to shino. Shino gave no response. Surpraised to hear naruto name, her face became bright red.
"heavens no kiba"deninig the excuse. "I really did wake up late"
"Sure, but ok" he replied.
"ok Enough chit-chat you two lets all get our training done...besides I have to go somewhere later" Kurenai said and with that they resumed there training with Hinata finally there.

After the pain staking and exhaused once more, pratice was over. Saying there goodbyes until next time. Hinata began walking home, suddenly her stomach started to rumble, indicated taht she has eaten anything, since this mornings rush.
"mmm...I wonder what I want to eat....I know I want beef stew" decideing on what she wants, she walks to her favorite resturant Yoshi(Its a new restraunat that opened where I live). On her way she pass the Ichiraku Stand to see if Naruto was there. Quickly glancing....she sees him, eating a big bowl of ramen. Wanting to be with naruto as much as possible, she goes to say hello.
"Umm...Hello Naruto...-Kun" she blushed looking down and messing with her fingers.
"Oh Hi Hinata" replieing not realizing he had noodles hanging from his mouth. Stuned by the sillyness Hinata giggles but was still red. "Opps sorry you had to see that" trying to eat it fast. "So wuz up?" he asked.
"well I just gone with my training and I was going to go eat".
"really what are you going to go eat"
"mmm...i don't know" lieing that the fact she wanted to go eat at yoshi's, but with naruto around, she gain every chance to be with him.
"How bout eating some ramen then, there always a good choice" he suggested. Amazed at the suggestion, hinata had millions of thoughts going through her mind.
'oh my this is so great, im going to have ramen with naruto' her mouth was opened and drool was leaking clueless that naruto was trying to get her attention.
"hey hinata-chan you there" waving his hand in front of her. Finally out of the daydreaming she decided.
"Ok naruto-kun ill eat ramen"
"awesome" ordering a nother bowl of ramen. Hinata ordered a miso ramen. Minutes later there orders were ready. Picking up her chopsticks and spliting them she begain to eat. While eating she look over at naruto, secreatly admiring, not look at what shes doing a big hand full of ramen fell in her lap. Shocked she quickly cleaning not wanting naurot to notice. But naruto would notice because hes too darn busy eating ramen. Done she tryed again to eat her ramen carefully.
"Well Im Done! That was good!@" claping hes hands to gether to give thanks for the ramen. "I guess I'll be going hinata-chan got to meet my team for pratice"
"oh...ok bye naruto-kun" waving dissapointed that there time to gether was short lived. Not want to finish the rest of her ramen she payed her bill and headed home.
Quote:
thanks for reading, please leave comments!






User Comments: [3]
IkiJigoku
Community Member





Sun Oct 21, 2007 @ 08:42am


Hm. A big improvement from the last fanfic you posted. This one feels alot more coherent.

There are some minor errors such as capitalization, the correct pacing via punctualization and sentence structure.. but those are the technical aspects.

As a story, I do feel that you captured the characters fairly well. Hinata is endearing and shy, Naruto is typically oblivious.

You do very well in thinking as the characters themselves would think and that's hard to do if they are not your original creations.

Try being more ambitious with the length of your work.
With some further practice and some technical cleanup, you could be a great fanfic writer.


lizzardspit
Community Member





Tue Oct 23, 2007 @ 12:03am


it was ok i think you should realy keep going make them longer i liked the first one and wush you would wright a nother of those -blah i cant spell TT-TT- any way i liked it ^o^


Naruto-ramen007
Community Member





Mon Oct 29, 2007 @ 10:32pm


I just love your jornal but do you still rember me i'm one of your friends well anyways I just love your jornal give me a post whenevr.! naruto-ramen007 ninja 4laugh cheese_whine dramallama arrow evil domokun blaugh redface smile biggrin biggrin whee stressed lol twisted twisted twisted rofl cheese_whine dramallama wahmbulance talk2hand pirate rofl 4laugh ninja question idea arrow neutral mrgreen exclaim rolleyes twisted evil cry confused cool lol mad razz eek surprised sad wink whee stressed sweatdrop heart domokun xp scream gonk domokun gonk blaugh 3nodding xd stressed stressed biggrin biggrin biggrin smile smile redface crying rolleyes mad domokun domokun burning_eyes ninja 4laugh ninja ninja ninja wahmbulance dramallama


User Comments: [3]
 
 
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