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I stare at the flame of the candle
I picture you as clear as crystal
Yet, you are not here
I shut myself tight in my room
Under the covers of my flannelet sheets
I am cold inside
It's so hard not to be around you
It's so hard to joke with you
It's so hard to laugh with you
Its so hard to think you like me
But do you?
I am confused
It's hard to tell
The way you tease and laugh at me
Playfully hit me and push me...
I am torn inside
Just wondering
Is there a little something there?
I am not going to explain to anyone who or what this is all about, most know, but for those who don't, I'm sorry.
I need to vent, I need a way out of all of this, while I know there is none. Not for me. There never will be. It's easy enough to fall in love... but to fall out is nearly impossible. It's so hard not to beat yourself up, or to think darkly about things. When you don't know how he feels. Just seeing everyone else around me happy, makes me wonder if I will ever be? I see him all the time, talk to him on a regular basis, but he never has time to just hang out anymore. That's hard on me. I need to be able to spend time with him to feel like I can survive. I talk about him all the time to friends and family, but it's so hard not to. I can't stop myself, no matter how much I beat myself up for being annoying about it.
When you're in love, you feel like you have to talk about it all the time... you have to talk about the other person on a daily basis, or you don't feel good. I feel more for him than I have felt for anyone before.. but it doesn't matter, he doesn't like me back, does he? He lets on in stupid ways, like putting his arm around me, or playfully pushing or shoving me... he wants to get a rise out of me.. but he has no idea how hard it makes things for me, and I just can't tell him to stop, because it makes me feel closer to him than I have ever felt. It's so hard to not want to be around him...even when he's a jerk...
Besides all this, my mother thinks I will drive my brother to Suicide. Yeah. I'm not going much into this, it's something I really don't wanna talk about, but decided to mention anyways, cuz I feel I needed to let that out too. I get threatened by her and I get hit sometimes... now I hope you can all sort of understand how I am, and why I always seem so depressed. Things aren't as great with me as I let on. It's far worse in my household thank I let on, but I don't talk about it too much in fear of my mother finding out I am telling other people.
So, here ends my venting, leave comments if you want, but I don't really care if you do or don't.. it's totally up to you.
 E P ii C - P H A ii L · Thu Aug 16, 2007 @ 05:05am · 1 Comments |
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