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Back to High School, there were a lot of things I left out last night due to the fact that I was feeling pretty miserable and wide open. Got way too emotional writing that blog yesterday so I figured I can finish it off today. I'm sorry peoples for leaving you all so many unanswered questions about my life, but I'm letting most of those answers out of the bag in these blogs labelled Discovery, there will not be one everyday most likely for I'm taking my time writing these. They are a way of opening my soul to the public eye, and you all having complete control over what you believe and don't believe. After all this is just myspace, but you won't ever find me truly talking about everything in person, it's too much pain that this little one cannot bear. I'm sorry but I will probably end up seeking professional help once all this is let out, for I know I need it if I can't get out of my hellhole mind. Sorry back to high school...
I met a guy named Shawn he was one of the best things that happened to me. We dated, and he started to fall for me, but then his mom said some things like "She's a bad influence" and it really hurt me. So what I did because he was so torn up about who to listen to which path to take I made the decision for him. see yet again I ruin everything, because he made the decision the night before to stick with me but I broke it off. Next was a guy named John. Now John is my best firend and brother these days, he's the little brother in my family lol. I love him to pieces BUT ONLY AS A BROTHER. Now come to find out he's dying and going to leave me all alone just lie everybody eventually will. Go figure, the people who made me stronger and able to move on are all dying off. First my gay friend John, killed in drive by shooting, my best friend Jessica, killed in drive by shooting in Michigan, my exfiance Adam, killed himself, and now my brother is dying from cancer. Everyone around me is slowly deteriorating. but back to my story, or rather TRUTH.
During my junior year was when I met my ex who shall not be named and dated him. Yeah the one who broke my heart publicly. But that was yesterday's blog, not today's! My friend Stephanie freeman gave me the courage to finally ask him. She's gone too, haven't talked to her in years. Friends come and go just like crushes, if they were meant to stay they would still be here. A lot of s**t went down my Junior year and I can only blame myself for letting it all get to me. Letting GUYS be my one and only happiness, but no longer! I don't need a man to make me happy. Never have, and never will. I have to be happy with myself before I can be happy with someone else. i know I know "Finally SHE GETS IT!" Lol. Yeah Jeremi I can hear you saying that right now lol. Or it's either this one my favorite "What A Load Of CROCK." Lol. Oh wells once again it's your choice. now yet again I got off track, guess it's just not my day today. Anywho Junior year passed and I grew stronger yet again. Senior year came, and TROUBLE started all over again. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA. But then again a lot of good friends came into play too. I got focused in my Senior year it was my best academic year, I evengot involved in every little club and function I could get myself into. But only because I genuinely liked the clubs and had always wanted to be in them. It was a big step for me and I think that's what made it so easy to pick up the pieces. By keeping myself busy and focusing on tasks at hand I was able to SLIGHTLY forget about my cruel and demented past and move on. Until one day when I looked in the mirror and said "you are ugly, you are fat, look what you have done to yourself. I hate you!" What a nice thing to say so early in the morning eh? From that point on I deteriorated YET AGAIN. I guess I had problems liking myself, because I didn't see anyone liking me FOR THE REAL ME. But that was yet another of my problems. Couldn't let peopl see who the real me was anymore. Too afraid I would be put in that padded cell again. The doctors there were horrible, but I wont go into detail. There were many days when I just wanted ot disappear, then would realize thats what most people wanted me to do, or atleast back then it was. Never could truly find myself back in high school, probably because it was such a rollercoaster of deciet, and the never ending search for popularity and being liked by others. One girl helped me out back in my Junior year I think it was, she sent me a letter, if I find it I will post it in a comment to this blog, but it told me that there will always be people who will try to put you down and make you miserable and that most of those people will never change. That letter gave me so much POSITIVE strength that it helped me believe in people again. But because of my trust issues it made it hard to trust them all the time. So when Senior year came around I was determined ot become a better person, in the end I really did. I got more involved, trusted in myself and my abilities, and found hte will to trust people a little more. That's when Ty came around, to know about him read previous blog, and then my world crumbled yet again because of ONE LITTLE RUMOR that blew completely out of proportion. When I came back to school it was like I was sentenced to life in HELL. He would say he couldn't take seeing me in OUR ONE class together and that he would need to step outside, this would anger my teacher Mrs. G. nad eventually she put a stop to him gettting so upset, SUPPOSEDLY. But in doing this made my life miserable. I was forced to sit at the front of the room, and was not allowed to talk, not one word, not one syllable. And no one was allowed to talk to me. Not one person, I was forced into a sollitude and it nearly broke me, because what happpened with that rumor no0t being able to talk to nearly a soul made life even more miserable. But graduation was approaching so I knew it wouldn't take long. Finally she let ONE person talk to me. But yet again ANOTHER guy falls for me, but I don't feel the same. MY LIFE STORY! I broke his heart in the end to. David was a very caring guy, I remember we used to call him YoYo, but yet againhe was like a BROTHER to me. Poor guy, he had it bad. But me and him are still best friends, although he occassionally sends me "THE I LOVE YOU LAUREN TEXT" but it's ok, he knows how I stand and I know how he stands we moved on. Just like everybody else does. So anywho passed all my classes with flying colors almost didn't graduate due to an Honors English problem but that was fixed she found the missing 200 pt. paper. so in the end I got to graduate. I wasn't like ALL the other girls who were by me, I didn't cry, in fact I jumped for joy. Why? Becaus eI thought finally I'm free of this hell hole and I won't have to deal with these people anymore. WRONG!
So I thought I could escpae all the bullies and people who hated me, boy was I ever wrong. Not only did they still try to hurt me, but they made me sink deeper into my depression. That's when I met David Holber,t he changed my world completely. He helped me to be able to trust guys. He helped me out of my depression. We met at first online and talked, he talked me out of my depression completely. Then we decided to meet one day at the Boone County Fair. We had so much fun that night that we decided to start dating. He was ONE of the best things that ever happened to me. We fell in love, and I mean totally we were even planning on getting married. But one day I started to hate myself again, and I backed out. I ran away just like i always did, but he was such a part of my life that I instantly came back to him, and he took me back. everything was fixed he helped me once again. But soon things took a change for the worse. David's grandfather died. David went into a severe depression. It was to the point that he constantly talked about killing himself. It was killing me on the inside. Me being the broken person I was couldn't handle it, but I kept trying anyway hoping he would get over it. But he never did, no matter how hard I tried he couldn't get over the death of the only fatherly figure in his life. I told him there were so many people STILL here, but he wouldn't listen. I had to leave not just for me, but for him, because obviously I couldn't help him. he needed help and it wasn't from me. So I left and it BROKE him. Yet again I BROKE someone. But it broke me too, it tore my soul apart. I actually cried for three days, then I told myself to get it togehter. David and me haven't talked to each other since then, I guess he hates me then again I don't blame him. BUT DAVID IF YOU ARE READING THIS KNOW THAT I AM SORRY AND YOU WERE ONE OF THE BEST THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME IN MY LIFE. After this I met Terry. Terry was one of the most awesome guys, and soon after becoming best of friends, we decided to date each other. but I messed up yet again. I didn't completely open up to him, and that was my problem. But what ended us was a mysterious myspace email taht told him I had liek three kids or something I don't remember anymore all I know is it wasn't the truth , but he didn't trust me so he ended it. I was devastated. I'd lost so much and I was still losing. At this point I took my pain out on others by frequent dating traps, I ended up breaking so many hearts just because mine had been destroyed. Yes SEE I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON. Bet you didn't know that did you. But then I released my anger and sorrow in a better way. I exercised to the point of exhaustion. but it was not only good for my body but my anger released from me too. Not to mention endorphines are great. after that I met a lot of people who were great people they helped me a lot. But then I met a new guy, what a surprise. His name David V. He was a good guy, just not what I was looking for then I moved on and found Adam. Now Adam let me tell you, he was the good one he was the one who had me from the get go. but in the end he DIDN'T HAVE TIME FOR ME, so it ended. Devastated, then accidents happened so on so forht I was PREGNANT, guess that's the first most of you heard about this one. But I lost my baby supposedly. Adam came back and only told me it would all be alright then he acted like everything was normal, then he stopped talking completely. low and behold no womanly issues...went to the clinic I was almsot 4 and a half months along. HOLY s**t right? That's like 5 months. So I told Adam, and a few of my close friends began helping me out. But then I TRULY lost my baby. Let me tell you it was already dying it had a blood infection, and they had to take it out of me because I didn't fully miscarry. I DID NOT ABORT IT, I CARRIED IT KNOWING IT WOULD DIE. It was suffering, and she died. I never even told my family. Not one soul. Only a few close friends. I was afriad of being kicked out and having to live on the streets. So my folks thought it was just womanyl problems combined with a bad cold that made me need bedrest. But this stays between all of us GOT IT?!?!?!?!? GOOD.
But me and Adam still were not togehter so I moved on yet again, and after some serious depression issues again. Finally I copuld stop being depressed, everything that could happen to me had happened. Or so I thought. But that's later okay? Next I met a wonderful guy named Jeremi. Now Jeremi is so awesome I can't even begin to describe him, but we decided to date each other long distance it worked out till I started to hang out a lot with my frineds. He didn't liek that and I don't blame him. Cuz my friends are mainly guys, boyfriends tend to get the wrong impression all the time.So I make it clear now at the stat I HAVE TONS OF GUY FRIENDS DON't GET JEALOUs. So now if I meet any new guys even if they are friends I give them the JEALOUSY test where I test their limits, sorry but I don't need a guy trying to control my every move, jealousy is a sign of male dominance, and I don't bneed t to get out of hand. If I'm yours I'm loyal if not, I should have the ability to do as I wish lol. Me and Jeremi broke it off, but we are still great friends. He is constantly telling me to aly off the DRAMA lol. I don't have many girlfriends, but only because i believe girls to be back stabbers most of the time the ones I do have I try to stay close to. Everybody needs some girls as their friends. It adds the spice of life lol. But anyway back to bearing MY SOUL. I go tover Jeremi a litle too quickly and I think that's what hurt the msot, I was so used to getting over gys without crying I wouldn't allow myself to cry anymore. I see crying as a sign of weakness for myself. I can't deal with it, I don't need it, when I do cry you better have five boxes of tissues lol. I mean I can cry to a sad story, or cry about my friends, or cry to an emotional sappy movie, but what I mean is I can't cry when it comes to my heartache. I can't no matter how hard I try I can't. Me and Terry gave it a go once again, and that was the first time Itruly started to REALLY REALLY cry, it was so bad because of the strwess of almost losing him, that I started going into mini seizures. THat's bad. My friend was almost going to take me to a doctor. But I said no I would be fine. I love life too much to give in now. But for now I have to leave, so Discovery 3 will be out in amaybe a month I don't know, as soon as I stop breaking down while writing this I will continue k? Later
LittleMissMerokoinAKimono · Sat Oct 06, 2007 @ 04:48pm · 0 Comments |
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