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Ever since me and Terry have seperated, I have been on a journey. This is why I will not go out with anyone, I thought i was through with my journey so I dated a guy named Jon, although it was only two days I realized quickly that he wasn't helping. Not to mention I found out about a lie he spread to my girl that eventually reached my EXfiances ears. I've made a big discovery about myself, I'd like to share it if you all don't mind, if you'd rather I not I suggest you stop reading this blog at this precise moment.
I have always tried to fix all of my real problems by myself. I keep all my big problems on the inside and let all the little things get to me. So what shouldn't be tearing me apart is. I let every little thing cause so much drama that I can't see a way out. This is one of my problems. I try to keep my burdens to myself, and have always put on this facade so nobody can see the real me. Ever since an old boyfriend of mine destroyed my heart the first time I have begun to put up an even bigger facade and wall. Ever since I graduated grade school I have pretended to be this overly happy person, always optimistic, and acting like I hadn't a care in the world. On the inside I was always crying. There are only a select few who truly know about my life and what really happened. Most of you only know what I tell you, or choose to tell you, therefore it leaves you asking many questions that don't have answers. We all have our secrets, I just reveal the select few. I have so many dark secrets about my life that makes it hard to show who I truly am inside. On my first day of middle school, if anyone can remember, I was seriously a shy person, I know kind of hard to imagine right? I was so afraid of meeting new people, that I didn't even want to go to school. On my first day I was put on a high schooler bus and I got to see the cruel fate that awaited me. Bullies. After that first day bullying became an everyday part of life for me. There almost never went a day that I wasn't terrorized, made fun of, or hit on. It made me a very sad person, I was always afraid of anyone. Then I was 12. Yeah preteen years I know, but somehting happened to me that year that changed everything for me. I can't say because this is a public blog and I'd rather not if that's alright with you. From that day on I finally realized that no matter how hard I try to avoid people they will still either like me or hate me. So I chose instead of being liked or hated to bring happiness to those around me. But by doing this and trying to get over everything I lost a little of myself. But I truly do care about people, I care so much that I pray for them every night, even people I don't know. I genuinely care for people and want to genuinely see them all happy. After that I was always smiling, always happy, and tried to not burden anybody. But it always came out that I was an annoying crazy little girl. Finally high school came around and I thought that maybe just maybe the bullying would stop. Sure it wasn't so bad, freshman year was the worst,obviously cause of the whole fresh meat victimization lol. But then I was boy crazy too, always had been. I could fall for almost any guy who smiled at me, and one guy knew it back in middle school, he hated me so much that he paid several guys to date me for one day then break my eart by dumping me the next. I still consider them relationships because I truly liked them, and he always picked the ones that I genuinely liked. It only made me unable to trust guys even more. So when high school came around I was labelled with the name "Maneater" because it was almost every week that I had a new boyfriend. This was all because of trust issues and discovering what they really wanted from me. There were only a few that lasted over a month and the few who did were the ones I cherish the most except one. He lasted a month and two days and he deserves to die for what he did. No one girl should ever be forced to do anything against her will, NO ONE SHOULD IN REALITY! After that I met a wonderful guy, we dated for three months, but I didn't see the breakup coming. He was the one who broke my heart into tiny little pieces. Low and behold my best friend didn't tell me it was over between my ex and me, so I found out the hard way, through public humiliating dissmissal. After that I seriously NO JOKE went a little out of my mind. I became seriously depressed. And anyone who truly knew me back then saw this. I slowly began to stop eating, and then it turned into only eating every other three days. I couldn't bring myself to eat, I was so depressed. and all the while I was trying to mend my broken heart with a new guy. But everyone of them only made the heartache worse. That's when I started to cut myself. My mom got so worried that she took me to a doctor. That doctor told me I was suffering from severe depression, and I was a BORDERLINE anorexic. I told only a few people about this but it eventually reached the whole student body and got me put in counseling. You don't believe me just ask the student counselor at Conner High School. I was in there almost everyday. There was one guy who actually helped me out in my Sophomore year, his name was Zach Conrad and if he ever reads this I would like to thank him for everything he ever did. Zach helped me before the heartache, but what he doesn't know was I remember his words to this very day. "Littlebit, you have to think strong in order to be strong, you must always try your best. Remember you are not alone." These words keep me sane to this day. I haven't seen Zach since he said those words the day before he graduated. Going through counseling though didn't really help. Because in my mind I didn't want to get better I wanted to disappear. I felt like everyone was telling me to just go away, I didn't feel wanted. Finally a group of my closest girlfriends got together and told me I needed to stop. I needed to get out of this depression and stop acting like I was happy, it was scary and my passing out all the time was really beginning to make people worry. So it took me a while, BECAUSE NO ONE CAN CHANGE OVERNIGHT, but eventually I got to the point of eating at least once everyday, and I stopped cutting myself with a thing called the butterfly project, it's where you draw in permanent marker on your wrists a butterfly, an dyou can't cut yourself while that butterfly is there otherwise you kill your butterfly, it really does work. Thank god I don have all my scars that I should have had, but I still have two that remind me everyday of the horrid things I did. It made me realize that there was something I had to do in life, because obviously I WASN'T DEAD YET. So I searched and searched and finally came to the assumption that it was my true happiness that made others smile. Not this fake person who always acted happy on the outside but cried everyday on the inside. Most people can see through this kind of act so I suggest if you are doing this QUIT! It only makes people worry even more, and then they will put you in this padded cell where you can bounce off the walls and not get hurt. Believe me in the end it's not as much fun as certain people make it out to be. Now remember this was all before my Senior year. Senior year I was lucky enough to have such great friends that I rarely found myself depressed. I even got selected as a Homecoming candidate for the Science and Beta Club. But I was so focused on the other girls being skinnier than I was that I tried to lose 40 lbs. in three weeks. I stopped eating COMPLETELY YET AGAIN. A good friend of mine Jon-Michael Jerry found this out and on the night of the Homecoming Parade I collapsed in the field on him, and he carried me all the way to the school and forced an ENTIRE PIZZA down me, this is why I don't really like pizza anymore. But it showed me that people really did care. It finally sunk into my tiny little pathetic brain that there were people who genuinely gave a s**t about me. That's when I met my ex's cousin you know the one who broke my heart into shambles? Well this guy did even more damage. I know I know what's Lauren going to tell this time? Well this is the godawful truth. I will name him just for the sake of what he did. Ty was a great guy, he was my Prom date, but when we went to school at the Vocational school he started to really get JEALOUS of ALL the guys who dared to even talk to me, then he tried to say WHO I COULD AND COULD NOT talk to. This upsetted me and I told him to quit. He never did. Then we went on a school field trip that was part of a competition that was to take place in Louisville, KY. It was for an organization called Skills USA. We were not only on the debate team together but I was in the Talent portion as well which was a new thing for that year. I got the gold medal in Debate and Talent, so I got to go onto Regionals. Along with Ty, yay me. SACRCASM! The bus ride down was OH SO FUN, let me tell you, he slammed my head down on his bony shoulder and told me to put my head there for the rest of the ride. SUCKED! Then when we finally stopped for food, he tried to tell me where I could eat! WHAT A LOSER! That's when i met Jacob, Jacob stood up for me down on that trip more than anyone else. And tried to teach me how to swim but back to the story. Ty made me so upset on that trip. Here is a list of things he did that any girl would get pissed over : 1) He went through my suitcase supposedly trying to help me find something. 2) He fondled my lingerie 3) He wouldn't hang out with me when we had free time then complained that I wouldn't TALK to him. What a bother I swear. Then one day I had had enough I told him it was over. I atleast had the common decency to wait until after he had competed. How nice of me but wait until you hear what he did. He was angry at me, so in return for being nice he decided to get revenge. During my trip I twisted my ankle to the point I couldn't walk on it. So I had to be carried from area to area. Ty got JEALOUS of this TOO. So one day i asked Jacob to move A HEAVY DRESSER so I could get a free outlet to plug in my phone. Obviously I couldn't do this myself. We propped open the door with an ironing board, positioning it so that someone had to PUSH it to get the door to slam closed. Within five minutes the door slammed shut and not ONE minute later our teachers came STORMING into the room saying we were going to be sent home and that we did a bad thing. All cuz the door was shut for one minute but what we didn't know was that supposedly at the time someone (TY) had told our teacher that we had been in the room for 5 hours and they heard SOUNDS coming from the room. WHATEVER! We finally got it sorted out and Ty got put on ACADEMIC SUSPENSION! But after that I went out with a new guy who I supposedly liked at the time. Ty got even more PATHETIC and decided to spread a vicious little rumor AT SCHOOL, and at our vocational school that had like 5 DIFFERENT schools attending there? This rumor was that I GANGBANGED, who says ganged banged anymore, 5 people while on our class trip. This lead to tons of vicious bullying, and the name whore being associated with my name for weeks, finally somebody took that RUMOR seriously, and after a fight with dad, I got attacked in a park by 5 guys. They said one phrase I can't forget "You did it with 5 guys right, there isn't a reason you can't do the same to us." So I had to experience some pretty horrible things that day, and to this day I still don't know who they were...all I know is that the person who saved me was a guy I owed my life to, that is until he was shot in a drive by shooting in Cincinnati. This was a GAY man, and he said "If you want to ******** her, you have to ******** ME first" a phrase I can't forget either. It's up to you all if you choose to believe this or not, I can't force you, but I'd rather you hear this from me not some random guy or girl who doesn't know what the ******** they are talking about. After graduation a lot of things went down hill, from horrible boyfriends only wanting me from that RUMOR, to guys who used me, to boyfriends THAT ABUSED LITTLE OLE ME. I was beaten, I was bruised, I was pushed down stairs. I have the problem with my knees because one of my ex's pushed me down the stairs here at Covington Gateway. Now if you have seen these stairs they are pretty vicious. Then I tried to stay away from him, but I had no proof against him that could get me a restraining order, so therefore he tried to get to me at every chance, then he got me. He finally was able to push me into a car take me to Newport and beat the living s**t out of me then leave me there to suffer. But I still won't cry about it. I haven't been able to TRULY cry since all this has happened, and when I do it's not for long because deep down I know once I start I'm going to fall apart, it's the only thing that is keeping me strong and able to move on. Most girls would just give up and kill themselves already, but not me, I have a reason to live. I have met so many people that want me to live. There is even a guy right now who means a lot to me, I supposedly done drain him or anyhting like a lot of people nowadays say I do. I'm still being bullied, I'm still gettting pushed around, but my NEW family is helping me. These people give me the strenght to go on. Terry was once my family but seeing as i was THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF HIS LIFE. I can't consider him as such anymore, he doesn't have that right. There are alot more things that I would share with you but I think you have heard enough to get the jist of things and truly understand what I'm going through. I'm not PRETENDING to be strong, I'm trying, not really succeeding, and I still don't like myself, but I'm getting there. I hate what I did to myself all these years, from the cutting to the starving myself. I hate it all. I don't truly hate my body there are just things I wish I could change for the better. And I love my personality no matter how ******** up it is. thanks for reading if you really read this all the way, and if you didn't oh well.
LittleMissMerokoinAKimono · Sat Oct 06, 2007 @ 04:46pm · 0 Comments |
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