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I guess I am fiercely independent. I don't like being in a relationship. Don't even think it's the person, I just... don't like being attached to anybody anymore. I guess I've just grown away from all that after being subjected to the realities of being isolated and alone. It's my comfort zone. People see me for me and not me for who I'm friends with or who my boyfriend is. Hm. I miss it.
But of course, killing a "relationship" after what... three days would be kind of like killing a puppy. Especially for such a reason that I may grow out of. But I dunno. neutral
But I have a plan. See, I must have split personalities. After imagining a story in my spare time, I've come to realize that the characters, they're all different, but they're all like me.
Theo is pretty much me... what I would be like if I were the guy I am inside. Independent, untrusting, naive.
Crash is... well pretty much the same, I need to work on his character a bit more.
Stone is the natural leader. He's the mentor, the one the others always turn to.
Lex is the cunning psychopath that wraps Theo and Crash around his fingers.
Cam is the spritely (yeah, it's a word now...), fun-loving girl.
Ruby is the mysterious character.
Leo is loyal and always pulls through for a friend.
And Coal is a kind and sweet-natured girl.
Leo and Coal aren't very big characters, and those personalities aren't very big in me. Theo is the main character, so that's obviously what I'm like most of the time. Lex is pretty big too, and I swear I could feel him in me today... even more independent than Theo, and always playing mind-games...
Cunning and naive are pretty much opposites, but sometimes I feel one, and other times the other. So maybe I do have split personalities. Lex, I adore Lex... in the story he ends up losing his dominating position but I would love to be that ruling...
Anyway.
Maybe it is the person. I've felt this way before when I "went out" with Shaun, and him, Sean and Seb came down here from Wales but a couple of days before I realized I felt nothing, and so the rest of the day I was playing the game of seeing-how-I-could-get-him-to-dislike-me. I play mind-games a lot; I'm such a cruel person. But other times I'm lovely and straight-talking.
And both times I've thought, 'What am I doing with this person when I know my heart belongs with someone else?'
I've been infatuated with him for over two years now. Sure, I feel stupid just thinking about it, but I know... there's something. And being with someone else just reminds me of what I can't have...
At this moment, he's the only one I could ever love. I'm such a horrible person. And I'm starting to like it.