Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

There's been a song runnin through my head recently. It's called, 'Life of My Own' by 3 Doors Down. I'm not really sure why it keeps coming up, but it reminds me of what used to be my life. One line in the song is, "What there was can never be, now I'm blind and cannot see", and to me that makes perfect sense. It's almost like my life was ripped out of my hands, and now everything's so crazy I don't even know what's going on. I remember that my friend Sam would always call me the human dictionary, they used to go to me for problems because they saw me as the "smart" guy. That was the life that I remember. That was the life that had so much in it. Now it seems that the life I'm stuck in is just like a meaningless blob that happens when I'm not sleeping. I think that I have much more fun when I'm sleeping, because of all the memories that my brain can magically re-create in my head. As they say, ignorance is bliss. Unfortunately, I was the "smart" guy when my life shattered, so I know exactly what happened, I knew all the people that I had to leave, and I knew all the places that would never be the same ever again. I used to live up in the hills where you could actually see snow in the winter. Actual snow, none of this occasional morning frost that we get in Lodi. I lived in a place where there were things called "hills". Ya know, those things that aren't flat and covered with concrete. I miss that place so much. All of the trees and open space and fresh air. I loved where I used to live. Sure, it took you fifteen minutes to get down the driveway, but who cares. Even that dirt driveway meant something to me. Nobody knows how hard it is for me to even think about some of this... So many opportunities wasted, and there's nothing I can do to fix it all. I can't even fix some of it. And the sad thing is, all of this seems to just scratch the surface.... It just never seems to get better. Some people say that their life sucks. Some people are happy for seemingly no reason.
I know what pain is... Do you?