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Dear Journal,

Pride in my work? So how do I do that? After a while I just stop caring. Its almost like I go numb. I'm so used to being scolded over stupid s**t like "o my g.. I forgot to make dinner at exactly 4:45 when I say I would because I was finishing something or better yet, I was just getting up to make dinner right when I said it. My dad always makes dinner sometimes I volunteer to. My dad has an anxiety problem but he doesn't want to admit it. My mom says that he has it. You can tell because when he had the medicine he was fine. Now my dad doesn't take the medicine and all he does is b***h or find something he has no right to b***h about. Like for example I'm not working on homework (I should). I pay for my own college so he has no right to bother me about it. If I do it he'll find something else. Its a continuous cycle. Then I go to work and my home life rubs off. I should care, I mean I feel guilty for not doing more. I'm sorry I'm disorganized. I don't think it is that bad of a problem. I make a mess I clean it up. No one should have to clean up after me. After all I'm grown. Theres a mess somewhere so they automatically assume its me. The manager was once like "why are there yellow crumbs in the cream cheese" I never touch so why blame me. I told he I never touch it and to please blame someone else. Messiness doesn't bother me my room is full of it. I feel like even if I do change or do get organized or start caring its not going to change anything so why should I care. I see no improvement so there is no improvement.

I also hate the fact my parents and brother love to come up to me and start talking to me when I'm in the middle of something. I don't like dropping what I'm doing for someone else. My dad wanted me to open the basement door for him and I was finishing typing something so I wouldn't lose my place. So then my mom tells my brother to go do it right when I get up. They don't stop what there doing for me so why should I.

Would taking pride in my work actually mean that uld have to be organized? I don't want to be like those who nag me so I make special attention to the fact so I don't become like them. I like standing out. If I didn't I would be another zombie. Maybe people precieve me from how I do my work. I complete my work. I come in on time. But I never manage to be able to get more than what I usually get done. Maybe I can get one extra set of something but never all of it. I think If I would pay attention to details I would notice the little thing that make me waste time. People thank me but I know I didn't do enough. Why do that thank me then. I take it to my head I guess. People thank people way to much then it just goes to there heads right? Like mine I guess.