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Just who am I kidding? Kami, I remember so clearly the day I told her I never loved her. I remember how hurt she looked, how mad she was at me the next time I saw her. I remember it hurt. But I remember I didn't show any remorse. She hadn't loved me, why should I have loved her?

But I couldn't lie, damn it all. To lie about not loving her would be just as bad as her lying anout loving me. But she didn't believe me, her trust in me was shattered, just like my trust in her was shattered. And I knew there would be no way we would ever look at eachother the same again, and I knew things would be better off if I was dead to her.

But, for some reason, I'm not dead yet. I don't know if it's because of my writing, or my drawing, or my art. I don't know if my heart is still trying to trick my brain that things might go back to normal. Because I know it never will.

And each time she says she wants to be friends I die a little inside. But it's never enough to actually physically kill myself, no. I keep telling myself that I don't love her, that I never did, because I'm the only person I can lie to. But I do still have feelings for her, or I wouldn't talk about her constantly. I wouldn't make fun of her, and tell people the awful things she did to me. Because I realize I only do those things because I want her to notice me, to talk to me, even if all she's doing is yelling by now. Even if she only listens to me anymore is so she can come back with some snarky remark.

"I'm sorry for the way I teased you that night I stayed over," she claims. I don't believe her, she enjoyed it. She enjoyed every time she made me blush, every time she sped my heart up, or made my breath hitch in my throat. She savors every tear I ever shed because of her, and ever drop of blood I lost to punish myself for treating her so wrong.

Even though she was treating me just as bad.

See, there I go doing it again!

But who am I kidding. I'm an idiot, and I'm an awful, horrible, devious, bastardly, bitchy excuse for a human being who was never good enough for her, and we both always knew it. She was leading me on, and I could tell, but I was loving it because even if they were all lies I wanted it, and I wanted her. And even when she toys with me, plays my emotions, manipulates me like the goddamned puppet I am, the ******** marrionette who's strings are held by her, I don't care. No matter how much I may try to deny it, how much I try to tell myself she's nothing, a lying, cheating whore, someone who could never feel the emotions I actually told myself I would never feel for anyone, ever since I was little.

I'm kiding no one. I love her, and I always will, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.

I wish I could just die already.