|
|
|
Pain, something i feel more than i care to admit. I feel it always now as i have for the last 6 months and still it has yet to lessen. My sister says that all these years of pain will pay with the same in happyness and luck, but what after that? Pain, sarrow, saddness? If so then its a pattern that i will looth to bare for life. You people, you pathetic people think you know pain. In 18 years I've felt the loss of everyone in my family. Up to my grandparents there are only 15 of my clan alive and i am the youngest of 3 males of my generation. The oldest has only daughters, the middle avoids marrage and children, so I am left with the burden of carryin' on my family's blood line. And thats for both sides of my family both mother and father only with my mother i am the only bloodline grandchild of my grandfather. I am bound by family code and law to pass on my blood, i have given up my preferred life for that of preserving my family and that in itself is painful. Could be relations, friendships, and possiblities are thrown away now and the lack of self enjoyment eats at me. Yelled at for the smallest detail, beaten for the lack of rememberence, lectured day in and out on chores, family, and work. I am always holding on to my sanity by sheer tears in my soul. Told and disiplined to do my best. Trained to take physical and mental beatings. Brainwashed to live and not kill myself. Losing friends when i could have saved them. Losing could be relations to lies, explortation, and hate. Reminded of past happyness at every turn and the pain that followed right afterwards. You people say raped, orphiened, or neglected; try being imprisoned, stared at, and used as a tool to take rage out on. I feel the pain of everyone in my family. I must protect my older sister, wire her money, keep her from going to jail and makesure she doesn't figurre out its me that is paying her bills, taxes, and still giving her money to put in her pocket. protecting friends from police, death, each other. Try doing that and still being able to put up a fake smile so that others think you strong when you really wish for a way out. That is my pain and if you think thats nothing then you try doing it and tell me if you can handle the mental pressure.
 Nilador · Sun Aug 10, 2008 @ 07:24am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
