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I'm starting to feel it again. Like I'm numb and the world is just rushing by without me, like it doesn't care. Why would it after all? I'm one out of what? 6 billion? There's nothing about me that's not there in someone else. There's no reason for someone to go for me over Kaylee or Kayla or Tatianna or Katie or Lauren or anybody. I'm not special or anything. I'm just like everybody else. Why would anyone want me over someone else? What makes me special?.... Nothing. And that's the problem. Is there just something about me that convinces people I'm annoying or rude or stuck up or something? Why do I always feel like a carry on when I'm hanging out with people? Why do I always feel like they're looking at me thinking "What the ******** is she doing here?". It can't be normal that every time you turn on the computer, you're praying to the gods that someone, anyone would be happy to see I'm online and would talk to me, at least act like they care.

I've been trying not to be upset about everything, but it's like I can't be happy right now. I was talking to mom and venting a bit about all the stupid s**t that's been messing me up and then mom's like "Oh, hold on, my friend's here. Can I call you back?" And a part of me was "uh, no! I need to talk to you!" but I let her go and waited by the phone for a half an hour before my mind basically said ******** it and I went back to my book. Shoulda known right? Friends always dominate over me. There's always someone the people I talk to would rather be talking to. I got it, okay? I'm not entertaining. I'm no fun to be around. I'm just plain boring. Got it. Sorry, but I can't help it. Life's sucked a little too hard for me to be as care free and happy as Lauren. Her biggest drama was English in Junior High where she cried on my shoulder and convinced me to write her essays. Which brings up the question: If I wasn't smart, how many friends would I still have? Hm, life sucks when you're feeling insignificant and invisible. I've hit that point where when I wake up, I'm sorta pissed. I fell asleep hoping I wouldn't wake up. Just once. Just once. Stupid sun.

Well, I'm gonna go put on a happy face and act like I'm not waiting for the apocalypse. Laters