i have become used to being alone....it eats at me every so often...at
the back of my mind....when nesicary i reavaluate my self and come to
realise that i'm quite a depressing person when i start to remember how
alone i am...... so i've developed over the years a detatchment of
people and try to remember not to get too close to those who won't stay
around.....this existance has lead me not to cry or become sad....when i
do recognize that i am some how sad i rather feel an empty
depression....because of the nature that i've developed my negitive
emotions do not last long or atleast for long periods of time....some
times i have hit snags and break down for a few hours at most and then i
return to the states i am most often in....i have found that i make an
exelent phycyachrist for my self....my life style allows me to not need
mourning and come to terms with such things very quickly....i have no
doubt that i am in some way crazy...i have never doubted it....i live my
life fairly happy this way..... though it comes with prices....my
ability to get excited or happy has a cap on it....i don't get surprised
easily....and because of my careful detatchment i am alone....my mind
comes in a few basic settings.....the one you know to be happy and fun
loveing...also quite eccentric is the first which is the state my nature
is built around to try and make the most seen and default....the more
intelectual and philisophical which is seen often as well....it is
devoid of emotion and instead feels logic and the ideas of emotion
instead of the direct thing....we have my less honorable traits and
drives which include anger and lust.....i do my best to keep them under
control and seen very little....i do a pretty good job in my
opinion.....when my logical side comes to see i am unhappy it reach
depression...a state whose frequency is rather shifting....depending of
how much evidence my logic finds of sadness....there are other parts
which appear on occasian...drives which are not good nor bad and states
ruled by other emotions.....i like who i am and i like the solutions i
come to....to answer your original question....yes...it is one of the
fundementles of my nature....right next to the immidiate ruleing out of
the option of suicide....i have tailored my behaviors so i can possibly
function to live alone forever....though i would love to change the
alone part...i have spent 10 years of my life in with this nature....it
was invented to ensure that i could possibly _live alone
forever_....though my depresion state exists...because i fear it may not
work.....i live this way because i found love a thing that i might never
find some one to see in me....and it's flaw is that it might not
work.....nothing is perfect...but i've tried my best to obtain it...or
something like it...the irony is that i made it because i was afraid of
being alone forever....but thats just what it's purpose is.....
the solution to much of my depresion is to have the companian whoose
noninexistance is why i live this way.....
would you like to hear more?....or would you rather take the blue pill
this time.....the worst is probbaby behind you(or rather above these
lines....)...but i won't force additional information on you....you
always have your choice....
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