You don't have to read this, I'm just getting my feelings out. They're pent up and causing me a shitload of stress right now.
Right now, I feel like curling up into a ball, clutching at my heart, and crying my eyes out.
Why? Because, Love KILLS someone like me.
All my life since I've been with Tori (my gf), she's the only thing that's ever on my mind, she's the only person I ever want to see, and she's the only place I ever want to be. My only desire in Life is to be and remain by her side, and to prove my love to her in every possible.
Do I? Of course not. That would be too easy. Nooo, my mind and body have to go off and shut themselves down the moment I try to approach her with anything--I can hardly muster a weak "I love you" when we part. Then when I want to talk to her, about almost ANYTHING, my tongue freezes when I try to call her name. It gets on my nerves horrible. I must be the worst damn boyfriend for her, I can't even pick up the ******** phone and dial her number because my hands and knees BOTH lock up, and my heart starts racing. That's gotta be the saddest damn thing I've ever HEARD OF. ugh...
And I don't know how many times I've tried to build up nerve beforehand to kiss her, then chickened out at the last second and moments later wanting to tear my heart out because I want it so bad but can't bring myself to.
Then someone brings up a comment about how we've been together for over a year and haven't kissed, and I feel like balling my hands into fists so tightly that my nails rip through my hands. But I have to hold it in, because I don't want to burst into tears and break something out of nowhere in front of Tori. So I try to just brush it off, but all that builds up on me, and it's coming down hard.
This pain is killing me. I feel like a shitty boyfriend, and a piece of dirt for a friend in general. ugh....
I'm sorry for boring you. I'm surprised if you even read through that. Oh well...
It seems love is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me, and yet it brought with it the most excruciating pains I've ever endured.... I just hope I can do a better job of this soon, or else I'm afraid I'm going to be separated from her.....
I love you, Tori.
Never forget that.
View User's Journal
Meh Journal... read if you like.
I usually post bits and pieces of my work as a writer. Check it out if you're interested. Occasionally I'll input some stuff about what's going on with my life or ask for inspiration or encouragement, so look for that too!
 |
User Comments: [4] [add]
|
Noumenae Community Member 
|
|||||||||||||||||
|
loganlovesducks
Community Member 
|
|
|||||||||||||||
|
Katie_rae_rae Community Member 
|
|||||||||||||||||
User Comments: [4] [add]
Community Member
I know this doesn't help one bit, but I've always found crying my eyes out and a hug from a friend that you can talk it out with has improved situations I've had. It makes my outlook better. I know it's not the same...but, that's what I do when I have an emotional overload, when an emotion is torturing so much from being dammed up so long, that I just let it all break out in a flood of tears, releiving my stress. Although I have to admit, it's my cat that's the one who's with me during it.
I'm sorry for my crappy attempt to help you...I don't want you to be in emotional pain. I don't like it when anyone I have any positive feelings toward has emotional pain. I hope you feel better knowing I tried...