Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

i am such a stress ball.
i feel like i am going crazy.
my stray is still here and driving me crazy. there is now porn on my laptop. gonk
i hate his music. he is eating all my tasty cakes. i have to feed him. i barely cook for myself. i never wanted kids. now i have a teenager. i really really do not want kids. so i am all worried about him. we called around to shelters but it is a process. i can barely take care of myself. i am not doing well at taking care of a teenager. i want to cry at my ineptitude.
so there was a fight today at the park, again. not as bad as the first but it involved the girl that punched me. i got there and she was carrying over arts and crafts suplies. oh and i have NO budget! i am supposed to come up with these fabulous crafts on no budget? no pressure....no pressure at all.
anyway i could not look at her. heart started fluttering, panic rising. she left to go cause trouble. during the fight people can up and i just told them that the table was my place. anything else was not my problem. i did consider crawling under it or bolting home but i stayed put and tried to breathe.
then someone i knew showed up. more talk about what had happened plus the first fight where i was attacked. a lot of how this program is awful. i had to walk away i could not take it. too much, it is all too much! why am i doing this? i am not making a difference. i am constantly afraid now.
ugh.
then i talk to the coordinator and said that he was going to make that group of girls his project for the summer. maybe have them assigned to help with arts and crafts. i shook my head and walked away. too much. it is all too much.
my stray told me there is supposed to be a big fight again tomorrow. since we can not get police protection we have "the guardian angels" a motley group that....well...not really protection experts. but i guess better than nothing. so the girls are supposed to bring reinforcements and go at it with the guardian angels. i want to stay home and hide. the steps are looking tempting.....
my stray says that fighting is the only way to get respect. i can accept that as street creed or whatever.
that just does not fit in with what i believe. i know that i do not fit in. this time it is worse than ever. i have no skills to deal with any of this.
i am still saddened that no one is upset about what happened to me. i feel completely unprotected.
i just do not feel safe in anyway. now i am all stress out over taking care of my stray. sleep does not come easy.
this is all just a walking nightmare i can not escape.