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one of my favorite books, well series is the Stephanie Plum books by Janet Evanovich. well one thing Stephanie believes is that birthday cake makes everything better. she might be on to something. not a long term fix but in that moment of scarfing down cake with icing. well i feel comforted and cushioned....

where i live we have heritage day. on July 8th 1776 the Declaration of Independence was read in my city. the mayor of my city was at the reading in Philadelphia and he brought a copy of it back and read it. every year on the sunday following the 8th we have our heritage day. so at noon the declaration is read and they shoot of muskets and cannons. it is quite an experience.

then there was a party yesterday which i did not go to. my stray took off and i did not know where. also i have found the limewire was downloaded plus more porn. (yes, i know not to let people on this. it was a violation. and i was too trusting and stupid. i thought that since he had followed the rules of the cyber cafe that he would do the same.) well i spent a lot of time getting it too work. plus today it was super sluggish so had to spend hours defragmenting and everything. i just did not feel up to a group of my family. so i did not go.

i am so stressed out. it is clear that my stray does not want to seek help. he is just mad that i refuse to let him on my laptop now. he said he was sorry so he thinks i am being unfair. my reply was that there is consequences to his actions. he does not want to read because reading is for geeks. he refused to read when he was in school. the only think he likes to do he says is: ******** girls, go on the internet (to talk to girls) smoke, drink and fight. it has become apparent that he does not want help. tomorrow he will have to go. i will hand over numbers to facilities and that is it....

i can not do this anymore. he may or may not be prostituting himself up at the cemetery. he may or may not be mugging people. he just does not seem to want help.
i need help.....

yes i do feel take advantage of. then i feel guilty. then i feel horrified at what is going on. then the stress. the overwhelming stress.
i am trying to figure out what i have learned from this. also was it positive or negative. am i a good or bad person for taking him in and then ultimately kicking him out? what the hell was i thinking?
i feel like a failure. maybe i was the moment i said he could crash on my couch.

well i was brought home some birthday cake from the party. i have just finished of the last piece. i do feel a little comfort. maybe it is just the frosting coursing though my system.