Now Playing: Carter Burwell - Bella's Lullaby
Recap of my night: At about 9pm, Becky, Corey, and I got out of my pool, and they decided to take me down to CVS so I could get a can of this cool tea, and then they were taking me down to the lake since I hadn't been. So, we walked to CVS, which took about 20 minutes, and we bought the tea, which was really good, and we drank it on our way to the lake and at the lake. The lake was in an old folks neighbourhood so we were sneaking around. We laid out by the lake and watched the stars, chilled to music and just... laid there. At about 10:20pm, mom texted me saying I needed to come home, so we walked back, and got here around 10:50pm. It was lovely. And now, I'm just sitting here, talking to people and relaxing, thinking about how amazing it would have been if I had a lover there with me.
It's been a few days since I wrote a journal entry and my frequent readers who care are probably wondering if I've doing better since that really, really terrible emotional breakdown. I can't say that I've fully recovered, but with friend support, I'm doing much better. I have had my days where I'm completely down, and my days where my head is in the clouds giddy. Who I've been around and how my family problems are going have a big influence in that. But recently, it's been who I've been around... And I haven't been able to control it. My head is doing backflips.
I don't even know how to write this entry. Part of me wants to share my exuberant bliss with all of you, how excited and thrilled I've been. But that little girl me who begins feeling something for someone that normally jumps and dances with joy, doesn't really want to start doing backflips and squealing yet. Even though I'll always have that little girl part of me that wants to go all girly and giggle, I've gotten to that age to where... It's time to stand up and examine a situation from all angles... Because I want to be happy and taken care of for a long, long time, not just a frivolous relationship like all my real-life friends seem to be doing. In that manner, I'll never be able to relate to them. I've always been far more mature than others in my age group, even if I seem to throw that decision out the window here sometimes.
This has happened once before, where I'll meet someone new or start talking to someone seriously, and I'll get too excited. My heart starts racing and I get ahead of myself. And then, where there was once comfort and confidence in myself, I start worrying if I said something wrong. If something changed. I'll go through that stage to where I have to be reassured, almost as if they have to re-kindle that confidence for me again. In all honesty, I've never been so confused in my entire life when it comes to falling into like or something more with another being, which is why this situation is blowing my mind. Don't get me wrong, I'm loving every minute of it. Never has a man ever confused me this greatly, and I'm awestruck.
But as much as I am told to ask questions, and even though some signs seem right, it doesn't seem like the right time to run off asking the big unaskable that lingers in the air between two people before they finally stop dancing circles around each other and start dancing together. Wasn't it so much simpler in Kindergarten, when we just wrote the phrase "Do you like me? Circle yes or no." on a little sheet of paper and slipped it to them? I've never had to be NERVOUS like this. It's never been in my nature, I don't know how to react to it. So many different and mixed signs, it would even confuse a tarot card reader.
Sitting and trying to maintain a carefully cultivated façade is getting so difficult. My curiosity is a pain and by this point I'm ready to absolutely burst. But putting myself out there after I've been through so much... with him gone through so much... I don't do that unless I know the outcome and I like that outcome. I feel like I've been walking on ice with this façade though, because I keep slipping up and me running my mouth is what's going to screw things up, like it always does. And it's so very frustrating. I don't want to mess up. I really don't. And I'm afraid I already have.
With my ex, James (who you all have probably heard about already), sure, I was happy for awhile. But it wasn't until after the relationship that I realised how it started. Curiosity, getting intrigued, pictures of me, more pictures of me, voice calls... More pictures of me... I'm feeling very, very selfish and vain saying this, and it's out of my zone, but I never realised how... potent? convincing? my pictures are. But I don't like it. I like being "pretty," "beautiful," "gorgeous," but when it stops holding meaning... When it feels like that's the only reason.. I get concerned. More than concerned. I start getting scared.
I certainly have ranted my head off... I'm glad that I can come here to vent everything on my mind. I like sharing things with you all but I don't like being an annoyance. It's one reason Tina's tired of me. But yeaah... I am very confused... But somewhere in my confusion, I'm that little girl who wants to do backflips and squeal before she even knows what's going on... And I don't want to be that way... I feel something, and I want to know what it is, before I just immediately blurt out the L word and no lady looking for a serious relationship wants to do that.
Well, I feel like I've grown up a few years. I'm going to be sprouting gray hairs before I'm eighteen at this rate. But, I feel like I have my head on straighter, and... I wish you would realise that. Please stop turning the things that I say into jokes. Because even when I get overwhelmed and say the little things that you seem to love, they're not jokes... They are my emotions. And I mean what I say.
And with this, I have probably said too much, so I am done. If you read this, you said you wanted an insight to my thoughts... Here it is.
Recap of my night: At about 9pm, Becky, Corey, and I got out of my pool, and they decided to take me down to CVS so I could get a can of this cool tea, and then they were taking me down to the lake since I hadn't been. So, we walked to CVS, which took about 20 minutes, and we bought the tea, which was really good, and we drank it on our way to the lake and at the lake. The lake was in an old folks neighbourhood so we were sneaking around. We laid out by the lake and watched the stars, chilled to music and just... laid there. At about 10:20pm, mom texted me saying I needed to come home, so we walked back, and got here around 10:50pm. It was lovely. And now, I'm just sitting here, talking to people and relaxing, thinking about how amazing it would have been if I had a lover there with me.
It's been a few days since I wrote a journal entry and my frequent readers who care are probably wondering if I've doing better since that really, really terrible emotional breakdown. I can't say that I've fully recovered, but with friend support, I'm doing much better. I have had my days where I'm completely down, and my days where my head is in the clouds giddy. Who I've been around and how my family problems are going have a big influence in that. But recently, it's been who I've been around... And I haven't been able to control it. My head is doing backflips.
I don't even know how to write this entry. Part of me wants to share my exuberant bliss with all of you, how excited and thrilled I've been. But that little girl me who begins feeling something for someone that normally jumps and dances with joy, doesn't really want to start doing backflips and squealing yet. Even though I'll always have that little girl part of me that wants to go all girly and giggle, I've gotten to that age to where... It's time to stand up and examine a situation from all angles... Because I want to be happy and taken care of for a long, long time, not just a frivolous relationship like all my real-life friends seem to be doing. In that manner, I'll never be able to relate to them. I've always been far more mature than others in my age group, even if I seem to throw that decision out the window here sometimes.
This has happened once before, where I'll meet someone new or start talking to someone seriously, and I'll get too excited. My heart starts racing and I get ahead of myself. And then, where there was once comfort and confidence in myself, I start worrying if I said something wrong. If something changed. I'll go through that stage to where I have to be reassured, almost as if they have to re-kindle that confidence for me again. In all honesty, I've never been so confused in my entire life when it comes to falling into like or something more with another being, which is why this situation is blowing my mind. Don't get me wrong, I'm loving every minute of it. Never has a man ever confused me this greatly, and I'm awestruck.
But as much as I am told to ask questions, and even though some signs seem right, it doesn't seem like the right time to run off asking the big unaskable that lingers in the air between two people before they finally stop dancing circles around each other and start dancing together. Wasn't it so much simpler in Kindergarten, when we just wrote the phrase "Do you like me? Circle yes or no." on a little sheet of paper and slipped it to them? I've never had to be NERVOUS like this. It's never been in my nature, I don't know how to react to it. So many different and mixed signs, it would even confuse a tarot card reader.
Sitting and trying to maintain a carefully cultivated façade is getting so difficult. My curiosity is a pain and by this point I'm ready to absolutely burst. But putting myself out there after I've been through so much... with him gone through so much... I don't do that unless I know the outcome and I like that outcome. I feel like I've been walking on ice with this façade though, because I keep slipping up and me running my mouth is what's going to screw things up, like it always does. And it's so very frustrating. I don't want to mess up. I really don't. And I'm afraid I already have.
With my ex, James (who you all have probably heard about already), sure, I was happy for awhile. But it wasn't until after the relationship that I realised how it started. Curiosity, getting intrigued, pictures of me, more pictures of me, voice calls... More pictures of me... I'm feeling very, very selfish and vain saying this, and it's out of my zone, but I never realised how... potent? convincing? my pictures are. But I don't like it. I like being "pretty," "beautiful," "gorgeous," but when it stops holding meaning... When it feels like that's the only reason.. I get concerned. More than concerned. I start getting scared.
I certainly have ranted my head off... I'm glad that I can come here to vent everything on my mind. I like sharing things with you all but I don't like being an annoyance. It's one reason Tina's tired of me. But yeaah... I am very confused... But somewhere in my confusion, I'm that little girl who wants to do backflips and squeal before she even knows what's going on... And I don't want to be that way... I feel something, and I want to know what it is, before I just immediately blurt out the L word and no lady looking for a serious relationship wants to do that.
Well, I feel like I've grown up a few years. I'm going to be sprouting gray hairs before I'm eighteen at this rate. But, I feel like I have my head on straighter, and... I wish you would realise that. Please stop turning the things that I say into jokes. Because even when I get overwhelmed and say the little things that you seem to love, they're not jokes... They are my emotions. And I mean what I say.
And with this, I have probably said too much, so I am done. If you read this, you said you wanted an insight to my thoughts... Here it is.
