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I despise, oh gods I don't know. I'm so sick of everything right now.
It's mostly because I'm stuck with my grandparents in Texas. Don't get me wrong; they're perfectly normal people...but that's the problem I suppose. They're perfectly normal, old fashioned, homourless, and straightlaced. My parents are too, and my sister to a greater extent than I am, or at least around the "adults" of our family.
I hate being young. I'm 20 and as such I'm not taken seriously while at the same time I'm supposed to be a responsible adult. The damnable hypocrisy of it all makes me want to rip my grandparents perfect house apart. Every single last picture perfect Christmas ornament crushed beneath my mocking boot heels.
Christmas.
I loathe Christmas. Or at least this Christmas. I'm not Christian. I'm pagan. PAGAN. A good chunk of Buddhism mixed with some older European pagan traditional beliefs. If there's a word for what I am I'd like to know, but needless to say I'm not Christian. I'm not Republican. I'm not conservative. I'm not demure, sweet, nice, tactful... I'm not ANYTHING that these people are and they're driving me mad!
I've been pretty good for the first few days of the visit, and that will be blamed on the fact that I was on drugs for it due to having my wisdom teeth pulled out on the 20th. Tonight though, oh tonight I'm persona nongrada. Naturally.
It started off yesterday technically, when during a "discussion" on politics and several other subjects that I figured it would be best to keep my mouth shut on, my mother decides to be spiteful over something I said and told my grandparents I was pagan.
It took me three years to tell her! And she goes and tells the bloody most conservative Christians in the family that I was pagan. Way to go mum. I left the room after that.
That wouldn't be so bad, except that today my grandmother oh so blatantly mentioned it to my aunts new husband. Brilliant. And I was in a fairly good mood in the previous moments, too. So let me explain that giving the finger is a joke among my friends for several lengthy reasons, so being midly annoyed but still overall genial that I was I didn't really think before the gesture slipped out.
Yeah.
I apologized, but gods forbid that actually help things. Aparantly it's "unforgivable" even after I tried to explain that it was a really personal issue that I didn't feel she had any business tossing about. She's still pissed.
Oh and then I made it worse. As several of my cousins were leaving I suddenly remembered that mother and grandmother had mentioned something about some being pregnant. So I turn to my mother and in a perfectly normal voice ask her about it. Turns out the someone was my cousin who was still in the house, in the same room to be more precise, and she bent over crying. I was mortified and apologized profusely to her; I really had no idea. She hugged me and said it was okay...
I got yelled at for it the moment she left. I was upset because I honestly had no idea it was her they had been talking about, but I got over it and kept apologizing because it was truly me being tactless.
So as a further attempt to apologize for the trouble I caused I decided to draw my grandmother something. Not my usual anime stlye but a lifelike figure of an angel, just a sketch really, a nice demure posture from the side and despite being nude her arms and hair covered everything. I thought it was sweet looking, really sad, remorseful, turned away and just...everything I meant as an apology. I'm not always good with words. I put it just under grandmother's door so she would find it in the morning, so I could try to apologize better with that as the starter...
But my grandfather got up to let the dog out and found it instead. He went ballistic about how it was indecent and that I should be mortified that I would even draw something like that let alone put it under his door. He just towered there, bellowing at me and I was confused and trying to defend a classic nude while trying to understand why it set him off so badly and my father came in and yelled at me too because once again I was the awful child and completely incompetent yet somehow now I was an adult and should expect the full force of someone's disapproval.
Then my grandfather turns to my father and goes on about me being a pagan and (somehow) an atheist and how the child is a reflection of the parents and...at that point I fled to my mother. It's funny how the woman who spent nearly an hour lecturing me early became my solace. I love her, really I do...
And I love my grandmother, too, and I want to apologize to her, but with my grandfather so furious I'm really doubting I'll be able to get two words in with her...and any hopes of her liking the picture are damn near dashed too, with my grandfather's absolute disapproval. I really though she would like it too, since she likes angels so much and it was modest despite being nude.
We're checking into a hotel tomorrow, and all because of me.
I want to go home. I didn't like really being here before and now I can't stand it...
I'm still crying too.