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February 5, 2011
7:46 PM
Ah.. I just got back from Courtney[sister] and Jorge's [sister's boyfriend] place. Unsurprising it didn't go all that well. I mean, it was good at first and we got along. I got to see Courtney's new rated Mature game which she got even though my mom said she couldn't: Red Dead Redemption. From what I can tell, it's solely based on the wild west in Mexico. Yeah, I didn't play. But I did play a 3 player round of wrestling in their other xbox game. After that we went to the mini mart that is practically in his backyard and I bought a Dr Pepper and some Hot Cheetos.. but not before my own boyfriend called me and told me about his day. It's nice to be contacted, but he wasn't keen on letting me go, or even letting me say anything at all; plus repeating his name failed to get his attention. I feel invisible sometimes, even when I'm quite vividly speaking. I was in a hurry so I didn't linger on said subject and was relieved when he hung up, which made me feel sad because who doesn't want to talk to their boyfriend? So what if I was busy? Anyways, when we got back to Jorge's house we ate pizza as I sent a slightly more friendly text to Sean and they played the previously mentioned wrestling game with Jorge's friend Mason. Then they put up the punching bag in the backyard and beat at it. They failed to get me to do so. Yeah, I'm a party pooper. After that, the "lovely couple" got in a big argument after the typical male wouldn't let the typical female play her game.. and I chowed down on my Hot Cheetos, [which I didn't notice till now made me look overly anxious], while they attempted to break each other's thumbs. Blah. So now I'm home. Oh yeah, I went to the swap meet this morning with my friend Daniel. He's basically the only local friend I have that still keeps in touch. Oh, by the way.. I didn't buy anything. So afterwords, we hung out at the community college right across the street that he attends and he took some photos for his photography class. I got to be a "model" in one of them (not like I did anything special) and we experienced a random guy in a suit climbing a tree.. chyea..
February 16, 2011
Okay, so last night was awful. I had the worst time sleeping and I could almost swear I never slept at all. Every time I rolled over, I felt like I'd been awake the entire time. If I did sleep, it was very lightly.. but I must've because I don't feel like I'm going to die after waking up at 9am. Since I'm in my journal I might as well write about the past few days: Valentine's being the only one worth noting. I woke up early and it didn't start out too good.. but the entire rest of the day was very enjoyable. For the first time in ages I got to spend multiple hours with my boyfriend, even if it was "only online." It was very satisfying. And you know, even back in the days where I was single, Valentine's wasn't a holiday to be shunned. We've still got our friends to spend time with, so why should we feel sad?
April 28, 2011
******** ******** ********. I feel like an idiot. Everything is wrong. Everything. At least, everything about me. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm going. I just don't know. I'm no longer dating Timber. Nope. Now I'm dating my friend of three years, Twiggy. And and and. And. And. It's going great; wonderful; perfect. But? But? There's a but right? Yes. I'm suddenly unhappy again. Unhappy. I'm drowning; being crushed by my own feeling. I can't escape and trust me, I try. It just won't stop. Ugh, cut the drama now that I actually got it out of my system. Things suck. That's it. And it's not the world that sucks so bad; it's me. I don't know how to face it and the people who inhabit it. I have a few great friends locally, whom I never contact anymore. They honestly cared about me but I took it for granted and have let them slip into the crowd. But the thing is, I know they still love me as much as I love them. I'm just too ashamed to run back to them. They would welcome me with open arms; even though we haven't spoken in years; I know they would. But I'm just too ashamed. It's things like this that have made my life less than it could have been: Time and time again. This shame. I need to shake it off. But I can't. And today, I recognized that I am actually unlikable. Unlikable to the extent that someone will delete me from all their contacts even if they see my face and even if we talk.. but only a little; only a little. It's so awkward to socialize. Very awkward. I don't know how to open up. There's walls a mile tall and a dozen feet thick. Blah. Just blah.
 GraywoIf · Wed Aug 19, 2009 @ 01:29am · 0 Comments |
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