I can honestly say I've had, in my 21 years, two bouts with considerable depression. I just sincerly wish I could shake this second one, but I suppose that would be one of the side effects of feeling like one of your best friends has pushed you to the far reaches of their life, that they humor you over MSN like they do everyone else, but when you're in a group together, they all but ignore you, and if you're alone together then they're horrible uncomfortable with any physical proximity. I should honestly walk away, and say that they aren't worth my time, but is three years of close friendship so readily scarificed in the name of a stupid mistake that I bare just as much of the blame in?
At least I got away for a little while tonight. It's taken three years at this institution, but I've finally had the type of college moment I'd always pictured myself having. I spent the evening in a little off campus coffee house listening to an independant folk-jazz group. It was wonderful, and the music was amazing! So vibrant, and alive and full of vivid images and attitude. It made me feel good for a little while. Then Paul's girlfriend showed up and they were all cute and couple-like. I'm really growing to hate feeling like the only one in my group who doesn't have anyone. And I'm going to outright punch the next person who looks at me, and in that smug, condescending way that all people who are a part of a couple, says "Oh, Nessa, you're so sweet, so smart, so funny, so pretty etc. You'll find someone; you deserve someone great." In all honesty, if I were all of those things, wouldn't I have them? Wouldn't I attract poeople who don't have mental hang ups, or have some kind of problem with empathy although they claim to be so good with it? And why is it that the only guys I seem to attract are those who have girlfriends?
Days like today make me ask myself why I try. Never mind that I've got recent publications, and another pending. None of it seems to matter when I can't even get my personal life in order.
The Bookwyrm Community Member 
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