Unlike most kids my age, being a senior in highschool doesn't really strike me as one of those things that will forever stay with me even when I get old and wrinkly. Everyone says how this is supposed to be "my year", whatever that's supposed to mean.
My birthday is the day after tomorrow. Finally, I turn 17. Finally, I can watch R-rated movies legally. But truth be told, I really don't give a damn. Getting older doesn't really feel any different. If anything, it just puts me one step closer to death.
I'm aware that I sounded a whole lot more optimistic on my last entry compared to what I'm writing now. Now, I feel numb. Other than annoyance, anger and disappontment, I don't feel anything else. Day by day, I go through the motions. I don't even bother resisting anymore, because it feels like there's no point to it. I feel ******** nothing. Like no one's gonna really care if I disappear off the face of this planet.
To those who are reading this and are going, "Oh, stop being so melodramatic", you can ******** off. Growing up, I've been trained (not taught. 'Taught' is done with compassion. Trained is something shoved down your throat, kind of like when a shock collar is attached on a dog) to be nice and polite. All throughout my life, I've been like that. But now, more that ever, it's even worse. I had no idea silence can be so painful. Being quiet hurts so much to the point that I feel like I'm drowning in myself. And the worst part is that I have no one to talk to about it, which is why I'm now writing this on some Journal entry under a name that barely even makes it in real life.
If I ever feel anything, it's loneliness. People don't see me even when I'm right in front of them. But no matter how shitty it feels, I can't afford to let others see that. My emotions are something that I rarely show anyone. When I cry, it's always away from eyes that stare and lips that mumble fake sympathies.
I'm not living; I'm existing. It's so damn pathetic, but there's really nothing I can do about it. Once, I've even tried praying to God to kill me, because I hate being like this. I don't have the backbone to oust myself so I have to rely on whatever divine power that is out there--that is, if He even exists. If He does, then I don't know why he'd want to put me on this earth. I have nothing to offer. I am nothing. The people I've called "friends" have drifted away from. Maybe it's because we're growing up and whatnot. Then again, I guess it's my fault for depending on them. Nowadays you really can't depend on anyone.
More than anything, I wish I can die. I'm tired of being ignored. I'm tired of being in pain. I'm tired of worrying about my future. I'm tired of my life.
My birthday is the day after tomorrow. Finally, I turn 17. Finally, I can watch R-rated movies legally. But truth be told, I really don't give a damn. Getting older doesn't really feel any different. If anything, it just puts me one step closer to death.
I'm aware that I sounded a whole lot more optimistic on my last entry compared to what I'm writing now. Now, I feel numb. Other than annoyance, anger and disappontment, I don't feel anything else. Day by day, I go through the motions. I don't even bother resisting anymore, because it feels like there's no point to it. I feel ******** nothing. Like no one's gonna really care if I disappear off the face of this planet.
To those who are reading this and are going, "Oh, stop being so melodramatic", you can ******** off. Growing up, I've been trained (not taught. 'Taught' is done with compassion. Trained is something shoved down your throat, kind of like when a shock collar is attached on a dog) to be nice and polite. All throughout my life, I've been like that. But now, more that ever, it's even worse. I had no idea silence can be so painful. Being quiet hurts so much to the point that I feel like I'm drowning in myself. And the worst part is that I have no one to talk to about it, which is why I'm now writing this on some Journal entry under a name that barely even makes it in real life.
If I ever feel anything, it's loneliness. People don't see me even when I'm right in front of them. But no matter how shitty it feels, I can't afford to let others see that. My emotions are something that I rarely show anyone. When I cry, it's always away from eyes that stare and lips that mumble fake sympathies.
I'm not living; I'm existing. It's so damn pathetic, but there's really nothing I can do about it. Once, I've even tried praying to God to kill me, because I hate being like this. I don't have the backbone to oust myself so I have to rely on whatever divine power that is out there--that is, if He even exists. If He does, then I don't know why he'd want to put me on this earth. I have nothing to offer. I am nothing. The people I've called "friends" have drifted away from. Maybe it's because we're growing up and whatnot. Then again, I guess it's my fault for depending on them. Nowadays you really can't depend on anyone.
More than anything, I wish I can die. I'm tired of being ignored. I'm tired of being in pain. I'm tired of worrying about my future. I'm tired of my life.
