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I mean, I know everyone's life is going to be complicated, and I know I complain about mine so much, but if I had a lifetime I would tell you everything and why...
Last night my dad yelled at me about being fat. I'm not to fat, I mean I guess not. But he makes me seems bigger than I feel.
He kept asking whats wrong with me, and I just couldn't answer. What is wrong with me? I don't know thats the thing. I know I have a low self-esteem, I know and I guess thats a disease. He went on telling me I need help. He compared me to Diane.
She's so skinny, so confident. And I started wondering, why couldn't I be?
I want to know what's wrong with me.
He tried to strangle me. Twice, and I let him, I was crying of course. And when I fell down the first time he yelled at me to get back up. He did it again.
And why didn't I do anything, why don't I do anything. Cause I'm strong enough not too, or weak enough not. I just...I don't know...Maybe I do need help, maybe there is something wrong. Maybe I don't have a low sellf-esteem cause he calls me fat all the time. Or when my mom tells me I don't deserve life, her, or god.
Maybe in their eyes I'll only be the ugly one, the fat one, the one that they could have lived without. Even if I do what they want. I just don't know.
Why do I let people mess with me? Why do I let my emotions get in the way of my actions? Why was I born? Why aren't I like Diane, or Ann Marie, why am I the hated one.
And people think I over exaggerate, come here, live in my shoes. I just want....
I don't even know anymore.
I'm supposed to be grounded on everything till I lose weight. Awesome.