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1. If someone tells you you're fat, and someone tells you you're not, who do you believe?
2. If someone tell you, you aren't their daughter, what do you do?
3. When someone tells you, you don't deserve God, what do you do?
4. When someone blames you for having a low self-esteem because of their insults, do you argue?
5. When a person calls you stupid because you stand up for yourself, do you walk away?
6.When a person calls you weak because your doctor tells you something that could injure you forever, and you want it fixed. What then?
7. When a person picks a fight infront of people, and then blames it on you later. Do you have the right to punch them?
8. When you're called fat for being a certain weight at a certain time, by a person who supposedly loves you. Glare at them?
See all that? That's everything, or most anything I could word to questions. That my parent's have put me through.
My life evolves around their happiness. My mom is a f*cking b***h. And My dad is a f*cking douche. What the f*ck do they want from me?!
I'm sorry for being fat, and being weak. And all the other sh!t your mad at me for! I'm sorry I was born to you, and not some other happy people. Sorry for being uglier than Diane and Ann Marie. Fatter than Diane and Ann Marie. Sorry for trying to teach your daughter good. Sorry I'm weak minded. Sorry I haven't made your proud yet. Sorry for everything that you'll yell at me for in the future, and what you yelled at me for in the past.
Sorry I'll never be in your standards!
And I'll never have someone to listen to me, to talk too. So I bottle this up and share it with you, and in a stupid journal that I want people to read.
Someone who says they'll listen, won't understand. They'll understand you're upset and offer useless advice. Because they just won't get it.
I just want one person. This one person to listen to everything I need to say, and then not reply at all. Just let me walk away and have let someone know what goes on.
Why I'm like the way I am.
A perfectionist, competitive, spazzy, clumsy, shy, outgoing...etc.
This happy mask still works. Still works, so until I find this person, this wonderful person who maybe will understand, and not tell.
I'll keep my mask on and stay strong. And be 'happy' and cry at night, and wish for razors, and death. And wake up to a dreary morning to go to bed with a sad ending.
In the end everything will be better, if it's not better, it's not the end.
I'll be waiting. Still waiting.
-Tiffany Mai Thi Nguyen