Yo~ C:
I'm not gonna log in on Gaia anymore for the summer! (maybe after summer too)
Reason: I'll be watching Bleach, nonstop = v =
Sorry =( Because of this, I have no chance to log on. And everyone's probably busy with school or going on vacation after June. I hardly talk to anyone on here due to both parties' inactivity ;-; Would it make a difference if I stayed?
I'll be busy during summer myself, aside from watching episodes, so I won't be able to talk to anyone anyway ;^; I'm going to do stuff I never had time for! Watching series would be one <3 It'll be a very productive summer Cx
Luckily, I can fit a few people in my schedule. Well, two. I'll be separately spending one-on-one time with two friends this summer at different times. One will be busy with summer courses but at least we, both occupied people, can still hang out, which I'm really glad about. I'm happy and relieved I could fit them in my schedule @.@
Anyhow, since I won't be on, if you'd want to talk to me, we might be able to arrange something ... depending on who you are and, um, I forget the other reason. I blanked.
OR take a rain check and move it to some other time, either Jan 2013 or next summer. Or maybe exchange emails and I never log on again lol cause I'll be focusing on studying and having fun when not studying ;3; Any form of fun, if I don't have time to log on Gaia to talk as the fun, will be watching episodes or hanging out with people. Any socializing will be done in person, maybe. Probably cause I don't plan to spend all my time alone for the next five years straight; I'll be unhealthy by then. Some alone time is fine but only that and constantly with no light of escape? Yeah, it'll be a very dark road. Very creepy. Unsettling, really. I won't have it.
Sometimes, I don't feel like spending time online. I cringe at the idea cause I have a life, things to do, and I have to log on ._.
Sometimes I like spending time on Gaia cause it's where I'll find my fiends who aren't anywhere else <3. And I'd miss you. Especially ones I haven't even talked to. Boo, my Fairy Tail episode watching/manga reading hiatus. My guiild ~ ...
-smiles- I'll return home later C'x ..
I bet I don't even need to catch up on many episodes xD
I haven't not seen Fairy Tail in that long!
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Ohh, I almost forgot Kessey will be logging on cause I hadn't seen her. Darn. Well.
Uh.
.. Well, this late reminder isn't a pleasant discovery.
In fact, ... Okay, let's see if I can replan.
See, the reason I won't be logging on is because I can't talk to anyone .... at all. Seriously.
When I watch Bleach, my Firefox will be filled with tabs of Bleach episode after episode, all loaded in advance and I'll watch it for hours from start (already up and eating breakfast) to finish (going to go to bed)
There's no way I can talk to anyone through any communication device - not on my laptop, Gaia, a social network site, Skype, or my mobile. Not even if someone were on speakerphone.
I can't talk to anyone, not if I'm watching a series. (Not just Bleach but I haven't finished Sabrina The Teenage Witch; One Piece will be on hold for the next five years and Fairy Tail is merely postponed. Because I don't feel like watching mere entertainment and I want to watch something where I want to know what happens MiP:FiM is no longer an option for now, and, as amusing as it is, I don't feel like watching Jackie Chan Adventures =P)
Sadly, and yet not so sadly. I usually isolate myself every summer, ever since, maybe, five years ago, but I've only been aware of it for the last three summers I did it on purpose.
No one online. People on vacation. Don't want to bother talking to - caring about - someone if they ...
Well, I don't know how to explain but I have this bad "unsafe" feeling.
Because people are gone, they seemingly don't care. At least it looks like it when you're one of the few still where you are living and can't talk anyone without being massively rejected because the people you want to talk to aren't there.
Before making plans with someone, whether you want to spend time with them or not doesn't matter. Regardless of your desire to hang out with someone, you have to know if they're busy or not. And I, being the happy and armored person I am, don't want to care enough about someone to ask them the simple primary question, "Are you busy?"
Only to get thrown away with a "yes", or your apology, explaining you'll be going something, to which I'll truthfully smile and tell you to have an awesome time because I do mean it.
-questions her reader with a raised eyebrow- What about me?
There's nothing about me. I mean it. Have a great time. -shrugs- I just wish something could be done for me. It's what always happens with people, I guess, to some extent. I don't demand or order. That, sir/madam, would be rude. But I don't request either because ... It's not my place to. Who am I to ask if you could stay?
Who am I to ask if you could dedicate some of your precious time to me?
It's your decision.
To, for example, spend time on a yearly winter vacation or don't care and brush it aside, spending time with someone else, saying they can go anytime, so it doesn't matter as much as the person, or, even better, that they'd rather spend the time with that person?
Who am I to push, hint, someone to get what I want? It wouldn't be a happy emotional result, achieved from a sly process. I'd feel guilt and sadness from such wrong-doing. It's as easy as both liking and wanting something someone has. I never feel well when, the few times, someone offers to give it to me. I plunge into the depths of guilt, unable to utter an agreement. I am not one to reject kind generosity either. The guilt sits, a heavy weight, on my heart, lowering the organ.
It sucks. I don't know why. If it's not something someone has that I would like to have myself, I can't voice my desire either; it is all the same. I feel bad telling someone what I want - so directly, and rudely because it's sharp and blunt, and too straightforward, -shakes head- and oh so selfish.
As much as I would like to tell people what I want from them, I don't want to be some horrible person by accident from no practice in the arts of ... well, whatever it is called. Though, not assertion! (I'm wrong if I'm afraid to admit that is the name I'm looking for, which I know can be the case. I just want to ignore it please, thank you c: )
Ugh .... -her left palm hovers over and covers the upper half left side of her face, some fingers touching her forehead- How did it get to this topic ..... ? I don't .... Enh ... u 3 u I don't care
-virtually rubs her temples to calm down-
I'll see what I can do. I made a promise and I intend to do what I say I will, so I will talk to Kessey. Just have to remember her and Kagome. I still have to talk to them so I can't completely forget. I've just been postponing it until my exams are over. Compared to me, my friends are all busy right now; they're WAY busy. I only have two exams, my first one was on the 13th and my last one is on the 24th.
I have more time, but I responsibly and strategically use all of this time to catch up and do things (eg: shows) I didn't have the time for before. I'll be just as busy as another person lol.
Busy this summer! See you whenever I log on again. Don't worry, I'll reply before I leave. I won't feel like logging on cause I'll be so busy with Bleach elsewhere on my computer 3nodding
Thank you very much for reading, listening, and understanding and thank you very much for being patient!
I'll be logging in some day to post an entry I have yet to make. Nothing is worth anything if you have no one to share it with!
Other entries I kept on Word doc, haven't decided to show it or not. It may become a self note thing where I keep it for myself C:
Nothing is worth anything if you have no one to share it with! And I'm glad cause I usually never made entries or posts (eg: blog or social networking site) cause I thought no one would read it. If no one bothers, I should even less bother to protect myself. No one wants to read something? Okay then I don't ever post. Safety, people, safety. If you talk and everyone's not ignoring you but is definitely paying you no attention, not caring towards and about you, why say anything in the first place and why continue to say anything? I wasn't going to. If one is smart, I think one would not say anything either.
I still don't say anything now.
When I continuously received either low views on here, or no comments or likes, I didn't try anymore. Breaks my heart but I'm okay. I'm always okay. I live.
It's like entertaining a bully. If you give them any response, they'll keep going. If you don't care, they won't have any fun and leave.
Its bothersome to add "possibly" because it weakens my statement, but whatever.
Possibly, no one knows defense better than a Virgo.
Or at least a vulnerability-despising person, cause some people can be like that, Virgo or not. I assume this, of course. I don't know any person well enough to know they hate being vulnerable, to provide an example so it has to be an assumption =(
Though, don't give me "guys" as an answer. Firstly, gender doesn't matter, and secondly, I'll immediately grab it's physical state and toss it at and through a window, frankly, because it is too irritating to tolerate for a nanosecond. Typical "strong" males, hmph. I'd honestly love to slap some people with the following words, with truth! Being "so strong" like that, in that way, makes you weaker than a tiny ant that can lift something of it's own body weight. There's a quote I don't have on my right now but it's very true and the reason I kept it in a word doc is because it applies to me to; it's a reminder for me. I'll put it up later on Wednesday if I find it. Something about pride. Very important.
(Very soon, I don't mean to sound any sort or degree of disrespectful or rude; please, I'm pointing out the sad, sad, heartbreaking negative results. They exist.)
To ignore one's partner, to "handle it on your own", to supposedly not worry the girl - if a husband does this, ohhh -narrowing her eyes, wincing/saying 'ohh'- What part of "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health" is not comprehensible? What part of "girlfriend" or "fiancé" is not understandable?
One's significant other exists there, always by your side, for a reason.
For some female partners, it can be the biggest insult to be "pushed away". At the very least, it might conclude you're not close enough to the person for the person to let you know of whatever. And I don't mean the kind where it's painful to talk about because i respect that I mean the kind that's painful but, without harm, you can and will still tell the person.
It's especially troublesome if you think of the contrast of guys who are open. Sucks, huh? Oh yes it can be. A friend of mine said it's easier for him to be open lol. In other words, being open works better for him than not being open.
It was confusing cause I meet someone like that in my life and I feel there's no difference between gender, at all, for a long time, and then, at some point in this cycle, suddenly, there's always this one guy that makes the news again smack to your face that the genders are different, shocking you. How fun. Now, it's technically false news cause guys and girls can be completely open with other and thus have no differences between the genders. In this aspect, at least, if not entirely or somewhat entirely.
"You're not meant to go through this alone; it's what I'm here for" and, unaware of the girl's thinking, some guys, not the ones who have difficulty in expressing emotions, carelessly shove away their beloved and purposely add as much mental, emotional, and physical distance between the two as they can.
-barely amused for a second, staring-
If you know what you're doing, go ahead.
By - all - means.
-blinks in realization and suddenly stops with a taken back expression-
-closes her eyes, breathes, apologies "Sorry" in her mind because she's unable to talk aloud, fearing her anger-
-slowly breathes with closed eyes-
-opens eyes and smiles, with a soft voice- Really. I'm not allowed to do anything or say anything to do anything. I'm only voicing my opinion. Choose wisely, people o3o;; -worried-
I'm so sorry if I went overboard or I upset any single person. I regret yelling like that but keeping this in wasn't going to help me either. What else could I have done?
I'm not usually angry, so it's tough when I am. It's not a good thing to be angry so my behaviour would be frowned upon (I'm not allowed to be angry, to snap at people, or to be in a bad mood?) and I don't want to frowned upon, and yet I don't want to be mentally unstable from the suppressing my anger, lol - u - (;;; )
-lopsided frown and slightly shakes head- It's just really bothersome. I don't mean to say anything bad. There's simply so much clashing over a small but significant thing. And it can be solved but ... A-And yet no one ... It's still ... Some guys, some, are still too male/proud about this one small thing. It's painful for everyone when it happens to a guy, let alone a couple u o u. Unfair, heh <=) Affecting not only the guy or girl who's emotionally distant.
Why did I have to end on a sad note? No one wants that -blares a happy note via the air through a recorder- Yay C: lol, get it? Note? C:
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