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Ah yes it's that time again xD I'm being deep, digging into my brain and I don't like it.
Anyway, you know how they say forgive but never forget, well things are easier to say than you actually do. Like I remember a lot of terrible things, more than the good because I forgave, but I didn't forget. I'm about to tell you the memory of the day that has been haunting me for a good month.
I went to get my permit, and I'm a perfectionist, and I always strive to be better than Diane. So I took it, and I failed. And I wasn't really upset, cause you know sh!t happens and all and then I saw my dad's face, he was smiling and he seemed so happy and he asked. "So did ya pass?!" I looked at him and shook my head and I wanted to kill myself. I felt terrible. And so going out I started tearing up and he was like what's wrong, and I told him I didn't pass and he blew up on me. Telling me it wasn't a big deal and that I could go back. I knew that, I know that. But he was so mad i was crying, he told me to get out of the car and cry to the world, to humiliate myself. And I was like no, I'm not going to do that, and I saw a cop car, I was begging him to just go home, we can talk there and he wasn't getting it. And then the cop came, and asked what was going on. My dad told him that I was upset I didn't pass my permit test and that he told me to take a few deep breaths outside and that I went psychotic on him, and I was like no, you told me to cry to the wold and humiliate myself. The cop was just nodding and writing my dad's information on a notepad and my dad was screaming at me telling me he didn't want me, that I was weak, and then he was telling the cop that I was stupid, a stupid idiot and I was just like why are you doing that? He's a cop? And my dad said he'd take me to jail cause he didn't want me and I said that wouldn't happen and the cop called us immature, saying I wasn't acting daughterly and he wasn't being a very good father at that moment. And I was like okay, whatever. And I just wanted to die, I wanted that cop to take me home because I knew my dad would be pissed. We started driving home, he was screaming at me the whole way, calling me a fat a**, an idiot, telling me no one would feed a fat a** like mine but him. And that he didn't want me. I was just blocking it out. Because he always says, I say things in the heat of a moment, it was just another time. and he was telling me to get out of the car, out of his life, out of his house. He hated me, he didn't want me. And so I kept think, it's the heat of the moment, it's the heat of the moment and he said when we got home, I had to pack my bags and get my a** away from him. And I was just like he doesn't know the story behind why I'm crying, but he wouldn't understand anyway, he was being so harsh, and I just kept thinking, I should die, no one loves me. We got home and Diane and I started packing. And my dad kept yelling and hitting things and my little sister stayed in her room listening to all this mental abuse, and my mom was urging us to stop packing and him to calm down. If she wasn't there, we would've left...
I'm afraid to go back and get my permit. I'm afraid the cop will be there, I'm afraid I'll fail again and I won't be as good as Diane. And I always hear those words, I remember that scene so clearly. I'm so afraid. So there's something.
Another is my sisterly problems, you all know how much I hate Ann Marie and you guys know how I hate how know it all Diane is, she always thinks she knows me better than I do and I hate it. Ann Marie, shes called me fat. Diane, she's called me ugly, fat, bitchy, annoying. Everything else, and That hurts the most, because sisters are supposed to be there to comfort you. Well I don't have that, I'm like their punching bag, after that. I'm always there for them no matter what, I know what makes them crack, and how they feel about certain things, but with me. They don't know me at all.
You know who I have for comfort? No one, I rant to you guys sure, but I want to feel the warmth of a comforting hug, I haven't had that in years. I have myself. I get the pleasure of bottling everything up, and crying in my sleep, and hugging my stuffed animals and wishing people were here with me, that's what I get to do.
So sure, people will 'forgive' what you say, but how many will forget?
I was crying the whole time writing this, this s**t is dramatizing. I have to go study for my permit, I have to take the test tomorrow, I'm scared as f*ck. I feel my brain cells depleting I should read.
And I'm lonely, because you're not on and my sisters are out swimming while I'm on my it.
I remember everything bad, but I always try to be an optimist. So don't push me, please.
-Tiffany-