Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

It's been so long, I mean there are things I've wanted to tell ya'll but it wasn't of super dyer importance, plus school's been awful, I've been piling in homework like hardcore.
Soo...as some ya'll most ya'll? Know for the last couple years I've been depressed over a lot of things. And a couple nights ago out of no where it hurt, so bad. I was looking in the mirror and I was nauseous, I was insulting myself on the spot. It hurt so bad, I was like come on Tiffany, think positive, but I couldn't. I was like I'm not as skinny as Diane or other Asian people, I'm not as pretty as other people, I won't be loved until I am that perfect definition. It was all sinking in and I wanted to cry, but I'm not aloud to I remember. So I wrote a journal entry and then a list of ever single thing I hated about myself, and convinced myself not to throw up, not to starve myself, and not to cut myself. Because I promised myself and others I wouldn't. I know those consequences, and I didn't know how I'd personally deal with that, so I just didn't want to. And I was telling Diane this once, and she said to me I was weak, if I wanted to do it I would have already. And I was like no these are disorders, they'll get bad, I hold myself back. And she rolled her eyes. Diane's so hypocritical, she's like I love you, I'm here, talk to me, no judge. But she'll go back and call you a b***h, and ugly, and she'll judge you, disrespect you....That other mofo, she always calls me a brat! WHY AM I ONE!? I got you Christmas presents, I stood up for you, I tried to help you. She uses sarcasism on me all the time and it's not even the sarcastic humor. It's plain rude, and I have to take this all the time, the time I use it back she calls me a brat and bashes me for using it. I can't take it anymore!
I can't be that one person whose expected to be there for everyone...when no one is here for me.
I don't know what to do.