Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Here's a stream of conscious, I never update this thing.
Contemplating surgery on my still ailing ear. I havent heard like a normal human being in my left ear in over a year, and get constant infections. Im thinking it needs to be operated on, like the last doctor said, to remove a pocket of dead skin cells built up in my middle ear.
Afraid? No? Scared? No. Petrified.
The mere mention of surgery and the thought of it sends my anxiety, brain, and nerves into overdrive. Im constantly wondering if I can handle it. I cant sleep at night. My anxiety is difficult enough as of late to manage this as well. Im constantly rushing small tasks, fretting over things beyond my control, and worrying. The surgery is something I need to better myself, and to take care of myself, so I guess I just need to grow the metaphorical set of balls to get it done.
Im making many small changes in my life, how I speak to and address people, and mostly my way of thinking. Im trying not to be negative or overanalyze, or overstep my boundaries at work. I think im succeeding, at least I hope.
It's so damn hard to relax when it feels like noone gives a ******** in the world around you. I work all day until 6 at night, go home to a sink of dishes, laundry to do, dinner to cook, trash to take out, pets to feed. i feel like people have abandoned my boyfriend and I in their own home, to let us ink out a living, when the house is so trashed and full of stuff. Ive gotten to a point where I want to throw it all away, but that would only piss these people off. We should not have to live like this.
And yet when i get times like this, where I can relax, I can't seem to get my brain to slow down.
Money is another big concern, everything costs money. We just don't have a lot. Like, hardly ever. Forget about sustaining a kitchen, im worried about being able to eat today.
The two bright spots are work, and my boyfriend. At work, I get to be with happy, smiling, laughing children all day, to watch them grow and learn, and to keep them safe. My boyfriend is teaching me how to drive a motor scooter, he's intimate, loving, and caring, albiet, a bit lazy.
Life could certainly be worse, but it will be much better after the surgery...