Hickory dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one, and the other two escaped with minor injuries.
- analog
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
- Paul Merton
At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual.
- Patrick Moore
I got in trouble at the Canadian border. The guy said "Do you have any guns or weapons in your vehicle?" and I said "Why? What do you need?"
- Kel
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk.
- Stephen King
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
- Rask
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
- Steven Wright
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."
- Stephen King
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor
I like children - fried.
- W.C. Fields
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
- George Carlin
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
I'd like to travel back to the year 1337 and point and laugh at everything.
- [BU]RaptoR
I can resist everything except temptation.
- Oscar Wilde
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
- Rich Cook
If my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
- bash
Permitted vehicles not allowed.
- Road sign on US 27
You've got prayers.
- Bruce Almighty
[TehTipper] what do u call bread made by a buffalo?
[DoomGuyPaul] Unsanitary.
- bash
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fish.
- homenerd
Not only is life a b***h, it has puppies.
- Adrienne Gusoff
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
- Patrick Murray
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
- Leonard Brandwein
You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
- Al Capone
Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.
- bash
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
A hooker that doesn't charge upfront is known as "a girlfriend"
- Dave
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
- Groucho Marx
An ion walks into a bar and says "I think I left an electron here last night", and the bartender says "Are you positive?"
- bash
Did people build this, or did Indians?
- Tourist question at Mesa Verde National Park
"Nobody can die a virgin, because in reality life screws us all"
Devourerofbooks Community Member 
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