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As any close to you know I work shift-work and do twelve hour shifts and as this long weekend has fallen on my night shifts work has been deafeningly quiet. This has left me with more time to myself than I am entirely comfortable with as I have a tendency to break down each scenario I am displeased with in my woeful existence and end up quite literally hating myself for the choices I ended up making.

I honestly keep tracing back to my last relationship I think of a particular girl (whom will remain nameless, though you know who you are if you are reading this) who I, for lack of a better phrase, pushed aside in order to be with my - now - ex. Now while I understand that's a pretty cunty thing to do (excuse my French), the end result of guilt and shame only furthers when I can honestly state that this girl still cares dearly for me despite my choices. She has for as long as I have known her been blindingly loyal and devoted to me and this fills me with the deepest, most horrific sense of regret and despair I have and likely will ever know. This feeling I can promise I will take with me to my grave.

Now the question you, dear reader, may be screaming at me is; why not just learn from your mistakes and be with her? The nutshell version of the story is that in the past four years since I made the aforementioned mistake situations have changed to a point where I personally do not believe that is a possible, or rather feasible, option. If I could turn back time or have a second crack well then it is no small secret as to what I would do. Unfortunately this is not the Butterfly Effect. This is the real world and one chance is all you get no matter how many deities you want to pray to.

I cannot say that I will never move on, I very much in fact want to find someone who honestly loves, appreciates and respects my like that certain girl and to be honest if things were different well who knows what would come of my current situation. However being what it is I can only really hope that I can find someone who does (a ridiculously difficult ask). The downside of this is trying to open myself back up to others with the consistent fear of potentially being used again. There are warning signs for most types of infidelity however when a person simply wishes to use you for their own ends there are rarely any telltale signs until you have past your usefulness and this troubles me.

It is something I have been dwelling on for a few quiet days at work now and with nothing else to really occupy my mind it has begun to start wearing me down to the point where I simply cannot function in a productive manner. I rarely now have the desire to do anything I would normally enjoy simply because my mood is so gloomy however in saying this while getting all this off my chest I have been feeling at least slightly better. Perhaps because it is a way to talk about it without actually talking about it, who knows. To be wholly honest I probably spend too much time making other people happy or trying to sort out and help them with their troubles and not ever worrying about my own. Problem there though is that I never want my problems to be another person's, especially since the people I talk to consistently usually have enough stress and headache on their hands that I know adding my own list to it will seriously effect them in a negative way and I can think of little worse I could do to them than that.

I suppose that is all for today. When I wake up it will be time to swallow all this crap and put on a brave face again.

P.S. To any guys reading this; nice guys really do finish last. Trust me.