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Going through another rough patch of things. I have a second job now, working at a fast food place. My best friend works there and mentioned her boss was looking to hire part timers and was willing to work with my schedule being random, so I thought what the hell and decided to give it a shot. I've been there just a little under two months at this point and it's okay. I know bossman wants to give me full-time instead of part-time, but the pay is minimum wage, there's no guarantee even at full-time I'll consistently get a solid 40 hours every week (they have to watch their hours as well), and it's a smaller store which means way more potential for drama and getting caught up in it. Even if the hours are sometimes suck-y at my main job, the pay is better and there's less drama (or more easily avoided drama, however you want to look at it.)

Still, even with two jobs I apparently don't net quite enough to get an apartment and move out of my mom's house. I did a little rough math, trying to figure out just what my costs will be like gas, phone, utilities, and food, and all of that combined is likely to take up about half of what I make on a monthly basis. It doesn't leave a lot left over for rent, and very cheap rent at that. I'd be scraping the bottom of the barrel, assuming I could even afford anything at all. It would probably be easier if I didn't have my pets and didn't have to worry about pet deposits or additional rent charges, but things are still looking tough. Of course if I could get a friend to live with that would be nice, but the only friend I have that I'd consider also has several cats, which means apartments are out of the question. We'd have to rent or lease a house. Most of those won't let you have pets. And then my friend doesn't want to rent or lease, she wants to buy a house. Of course that's her decision one week, and she's all gung-ho about it and of the attitude that it will happen. Then the next week it's all just a pipe dream and she'll never be able to save enough to contribute to a down payment while her mom is sucking her dry to pay off her own financial problems. Like hell am I going to be the one saving up all this money on my own, which would take me years! Doesn't help my resolve that she's always been really wishy washy, talking about moving to different places for school or just wanting to get out of this town and this state altogether. So in a fit of "******** everything, I'll just do it on my own" I started my online apartment hunting, saw how ******** I was, and now just hate my life and everything about it. What the hell am I supposed to do if even with two jobs I can't afford even a crappy apartment?

Being online doesn't really help me any more. All the people I used to talk with all the time just don't seem to be around or interested in talking with me. I know it's partially my fault, that I had an overload of stress and wandered off and haven't been as active, so they all moved on. Still, it hurts. I mean there are people online who I could poke at, any time, and have conversations or talk plots and just enjoy myself. Now I'm lucky to get even a few words from them and they quickly get distracted by other things. Hell, no one ever comes to me with plots anymore. I have to poke and prod people, I seem to be the one who has to come up with all the story ideas.

Some days I just want to throw everything I can in my car and drive off and leave it all behind, but I know I'm driving from one lonely life straight into another no matter where I go. There's only one escape, and I'm not depressed enough to take that route.