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...and they don't love you...

I know it's foolish of me to mourn the demise of a love that barely even existed; after all, I never went out with her, never got beyond the vaguest hints that I might have deeper feelings for her than just friendship. But I'm in a crappy mood about it right now, so damn it, I'm going to bore everyone with my rantings anyway.

I've noticed all along, even as I've made these plans to ask her to a movie or to some elaborate dinner, that she's been spending a lot of time with another co-worker of mine-- a much younger, more handsome, and generally more attractive individual than myself. (I honestly don't know if he's the same guy who asked her to meet him in Rome for a date, but I wouldn't be surprised.) I've noticed that she likes having me around if she doesn't have anyone else to talk to, but if he's in the room, she hangs around him and barely notices anyone else. But I've kind of blinded myself to the reality of the situation, because I wanted to believe I had some hope. I didn't want to believe that failure was pre-ordained.

But today, it became clear to me I could no longer deny the truth. This morning, they left the briefing together, and she was late arriving to her assignment because she spent so much time talking to him. When I saw her on my way to lunch, she was curt and dismissive, as though what I was saying was of no importance whatsoever, and her manner suggested she could hardly wait for me to go away. Later in the day, when I was giving the afternoon break to the girl working the gate at the Capitol, I looked down the street and saw him standing there talking to her at the Apothecary-- he'd walked halfway across town to see her, and he stayed there for the entirety of his break.

Perhaps I'm still being paranoid, as I tend to be. Perhaps there's nothing between them but friendship, and the situation might not be hopeless after all. But I don't think I'm being paranoid this time. There was something in her expression, in her voice, in that brief unpleasant conversation we had, that said to me: I know how you feel, and I don't feel the same way. I want him, not you.

So right now, I'm contemplating how to move on, and of course, drinking fairly heavily. That tends to be my reaction to any sort of setback. xp