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Randome jokes
ok, you are driving a miniature car and in front of you is a giant pig that is the same size as your car, to your left is cliff, to your right is a horse that's bigger than your car, and behind you is an airplane. what do you do if you wanna live?
- Get Your drunk a** off the carosel!
One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.
After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"
"Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.
"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"
"Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."
About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"
"I'm right year Doc," he said.
"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"
"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."
A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"
"Right here docta," he said.
"Wonderful news! It's-"
"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."
A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.
He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure.
Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.
He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."
The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."
ok, heres a way to keep ur tummy flat:
little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top
of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well, your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time." says the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up!"
there was a kid and for a home work his teeacher wanted him to write down 1 thing that everyone from his family said. so when he went home he asked his mom "wanna help me with my homework?" but she was on the phone and said "******** off" so he wrote that down, next he goes into the hallway to get to his brothers room but his is locked in with his girlfriend and he hears "yea baby suck my d**k" so he writes that down, finally he goes to his sister who is whatching batman and she says "Nuh Nuh Nuh Nuh NUh NUh Batman!!" so he writes it down and goes play for the rest of the day... the enxt day at school his teacher ask him what he got, he replies "******** off" she say "What did you just say?" he then says "yea baby suck my d**k" after hearing the the teacher is furious and screams "who do you think you are" and he replies "dont be mad, cuz im Nuh Nuh Nuh Nuh Nuh Nuh Nuh NUh Batman!!!"
Tommy Shaugnessy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you again, Tommy Shaugnessy?"
"Yes, father. It is."
"And who was the woman you were with? Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
Tommy replies, "I cannot say."
"Patricia Kelly? Liz Quinn? Or was it Maggie Leonard?"
"I'm sorry. I won't name her."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaugnessy, and I admire that. But you must atone."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What did you get?"
"Four good leads," says Tommy.
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