I hate having things to do, lol.
I know how laughable that statement is, it's just so hard for me to prioritize and not feel overwhelmed by my to-do list. Like, I have my normal day-to-day things and then there are long term projects, then there are projects that pop up, and THEN there are one time big deal things like doctor's appointments and such.
They all just float around in my head, making me feel anxious and I don't know what to focus on. So most days, I honestly just do very few of them. I just play games or draw or zone out, it's terrible and I hate it but I don't know what to do to change it.
I don't want to act like there isn't a solution and it's just hopeless, but I don't know what the solution is. When I was younger, I had a new plan every other day! Like "today is the day, I'm going to <insert elaborate plan here> and never look back! This is the start of my new life and I'm done with the old me!" and *spoilers* it never was. I always fell right back into the old patterns within a week or two.
I've Marie Kondo'd. I've Atomic Habited. I've Keto'd. I've Bullet Journaled. I've Eaten That Frog. I've read so many self-help books and watched so many documentaries. And every time I felt like this is the one, this is the thing that will fix me. I've gotten so sick and tired of all of it, I feel like I've stopped trying to some degree.
I'm all for the self acceptance, like realizing that I have fewer spoons than other people and that I'm constantly navigating burn-out, but things still need to get done. How in the world do I get them done without adding to the list of things I stress about? Stress is literally how I used to get anything done, and clearly the long terms effects of that have been terrible, but it was effective.
I need to find, like, stress's baby cousin. A little, gentler version, that still pushes me forward, but at a livable speed and without the pressuring "life-or-death" feeling of failure.
Failure happens, it will happen and that's okay. Failure does not mean anything, it just means that something didn't work. Things break all the time, like on a car, something fails so you replace it. It doesn't mean the whole car is garbage so you should throw it away. Some cars (especially older ones) just have quirks, like oh you have to pump the breaks three times before you can pop the hood (I don't know I'm making up a wild scenario here, I know nothing about cars), and people just pump the breaks three times and move on with their lives.
But heaven forbid that *I* need a quirky system to make things work. Oh NO. That's not normal, how can you live like that? No, you are suppose to do xy and z every day. You are supposed to do it in this way and in this order. What do you mean you can't? You just aren't trying hard enough, you just have to get used to it, you just have to trust the process until it becomes a habit. What do you mean you didn't make it a habit? Do you really even want this?
The gargantuan eye-roll that this demands is too massive for my frail human body to manage.
I believe that a part of the solution is systems and stations. Systems are like schedules, but to me they're not as defined. A schedule demands that certain things happen during certain time slots and in certain orders. Systems are more like modules that can be moved around and are a little more elastic. When I wake up, at whatever time, I always make coffee (it's something I enjoy, something I want, and it's basically automatic at this point), and to this I added taking my medication which is sat next to the coffee maker. The water that I need to take the meds is right there, and so I take the meds every morning with a very small percentage of error. This is a system that involves a station, the coffee machine is my "morning station" where my necessary morning activities takes place. It is sacred, you simply do not move the cup, the meds, or my coffee making essentials.
I want to apply this structure to more areas of my life, but I'm not sure how because it requires me to carve out more spaces like this. I'm also not sure what will work because I need a piggy-back, like the coffee, to build off of. My computer desk is a viable target, but it's also in the middle of the living room where I don't have full control over the layout. Idk, I know it's possible, but it will require some thinking and possibly some collaboration.
I'm so glad that I have this journal space to work out my thoughts some times. I know I don't go this hard every day, but it's a good little motivator to get that platinum here. It's helpful to see my thoughts on paper, it makes them feel more cohesive and less frazzled.
ShiroOkazaki Community Member 
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