She told me to write down what I was thinking and feeling. She told me no one would ever read this, rather this was for my own purpose to control myself. What do I say to such a thing? Writing in her journal, my very own thoughts. She's been nagging my for so long to write down whatever I wanted in this. She keeps saying its for a record, a memory so to speak. I finally agreed only to shut her up.
What she does not know, is that I truely feel I have my feelings under control. I will not go out and hunt Shakura, I wont track her down like an animal and spy on her like some pervert. I wont go and check on this Zane she keeps ranting about madly and I will not try to change her mind. What she is doing is of her own free will and I can do nothing to change this.
Or can I?
Bloody Hell, this is killing me. All I wanted was to forever be with her. To forever share my world with her and to show her how much she means to me. What I can not understand is why she can not see it and if she can why is she hurting me so.
I'd do anything for her. I'd kill a thousand men and women for her. I would shoot the loviest of animals, the purest of children for her sake if only she would notice how much to what degree I love her.
I can not fathom what she see's in this Zane fellow. I can not understand what he has that I do not. He kills ruthlessly and I have never killed but petty animals for food. I know her well but sadly not well enough to understand her mad thoughts.
Am I destined to watch her forever, her and this man and always and forever be alone? Is my heart to be torn from my body with this Zane's laugh glee in his eye as her hands crush it without a thought?
Damn it all. Damn them all. She can not see, she can not fathom the sheer pain I am in, she can not hope to understand the agony that runs through my veins each day she is with him.
But I am shelfish, am I not? I should only hope of her happiness and wellfare wherever she may be and wish her the best of luck. I should be happy she found love, should I not?
But I can not be happy for her when in return she would ignore us.
This is not like her. There is something amiss, something I am missing. Why did I not see it before. I must go to her, I must speak with her. I should leave tonight.
Sheguyan
 Felix B. Hellsings · Fri Jan 21, 2005 @ 01:11am · 0 Comments |
