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Mirror Mirror on the wall.
So, today wasn't a good day for me. There are many things I could just blurt out and wish I never said, or things I wish I never did, or things I could tell people right then and there that happened at school. But, nobody ever shares their full life stories with someone who's facing a different screen from a different place, do they?
I was embarrased, humuliated today, and I tried to make the best of it by not saying anything to anyone unless they asked about it. I went pretty far until 3rd hour, and after that it was hell. I'm surprised some of my really good friends didn't ask about my jean issues. But I guess we all have that sudden growth spurt or something that causes them to rip and show the world your underwear for the day.
But, tonight I feel like I could just crawl into my bed and die in a good peaceful sleep. I got done eating and came upstaires, stared into the mirror and looked at myself and broke down crying. I wondered why I just broke down at first, but then realized it was because of all the change that has taken place, and the effects they've caused me to have.
My imperfections became very clear then, I was very self-conscious when I looked into that mirror, and wished I could go back in time, change a few things, and come back and think it's all fixed and the bandages were covered over the wound some of those memories has inflicted into my heart.
Sometimes I just wish those imperfections disappeared. Like all the zits and acne issues on my face, or my big nose, or my crooked teeth, or my ripped ear. I've never taken serious note to my ripped ear, and it's funny sometimes, the reaction I get from people who think it's totally disgusting to wiggle it and not feel anything at all. I just wish that it was gone so I could be like any other girl and spend hundreds of dollars on earrings.
I'm not that sort of person to go get my belly button pierced or my nose or my lip or my eyebrow pierced, or even my tongue. I'm laid back with those things. I just wish I had something I could relate to with that. I have to wear clip ons or something of that sort if any at all. My smile is horrible.
My teeth show up all crooked. I feel that if I do get braces and it straightens out my teeth and reshapes my face it could be for the better and maybe the size of my nose will go down too. I can't wait to be able to see better, and have different colored eyes and be able to have fun with my outer appearance. The acne issue could easily be solved, but I see some disappearing as quickly as they came. It's okay, I just wish the blackheads would leave.
I feel inferior to those who died their hair or got it cut or got it so cute people love it every day even if that person doesn't do something with it. I feel so much jealousy one can ever wonder why I put so much self-pity into myself. Maybe it's because I'm just too jealous to be alive.
So, why do I take up this little space and time in this little place called earth? What purpose do I serve for living here? Is it to make others lives different by my actions or is it to change myself, witness it and write about it?
Or maybe it's the fact that it compells me to try a little harder each and every time to succeed and life and become a somebody instead of a nobody or a shadow following a somebody around and living....
lies.
I wonder about that. I wonder if maybe my whole life is a lie. I may tell the truth about things, but sometimes it seems as though the story goes on longer than expected, and it causes my life to be hell. Maybe if I quit staring at myself and stop caring about certain things will I understand the concept that no life is a lie, and that none of this is a dream or reality at all.
Today was the first time in a week that i've cried. That's a record. But, I've cried alot. I guess you can say it was just a special little time for myself to let out alot of stress recently. Swimming just got over, I feel free for this week. But is it enough?
And that withdrawl from my friends? Oh, I can live with that too. People do it all the time, and people always think I'm no different. I can last forever without seeing a good old friend from the other side of town.
Oh well. Life goes on again...and again...and again, and I keep forgetting to make myself a happy camper each and every time.
I somehow managed to keep things a secret as usual from them, too. I can put an easy mask over myself on the internet, and it's actually neat to see people look and read your happy replies, never knowing that on the other side your really good friend feels like she's dying inside and out.
Oh well. Oh well. Oh well.
Life goes on, and I'll just keep surviving. I've told myself to keep positive, and I have. I'm going to see if I can last two weeks now. I've lasted one, but can I last two?
In and out. I guess before I have a meltdown again I'll add more stuff here later when I see fit.
-Ash
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Community Member
I never noticed it. *-*
you look like a total hawwwwtie everyday. :]
It's okay, I don't wear earrings either. I mean, what if they get ripped out? O_O That would hurt.
Acne is something that everyone faces but you shouldn't stress out too much about it. Chances are, people aren't even noticing anyways.
And for the people with the hair..
You can have the same look too! Pretty easy, pigtails and some berets.
I mean, that's what I did that one day. sweatdrop
No big secret.
A lot of people are self-conscience when they're talking about themselves and are very very harsh. Find some nice qualities that you like about yourself.
Remember! Some people like tall people and other people like short people and chances are there are a lot of people that like tall people and there are a lot of people that like short people.
I have a ton of problems everyday. Most of the days I love my name and there are days where I wish I had an American name. It works out in the end.
I haven't found a purpose for life either and I probably won't find it till I'm 64, but better late than never, right? Unless you never find out, but by then you won't care because you're dead. <<;