Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Hey guys. girls whatever. I'm really not in a good mood so instead of ruining everyone elses lives around me I think I'll just tell you my worries in a worthless journal. Seriously no comments are even nessesary just give me a loaded gun and we'll call it even.
okayyyyy so I have a friend either SUPER mad at me or never wants to associate with me again or totally just doesn't care anymore or all of the above. In my mind she never wants anything to do with me again and if that's what she wants then FINE because I HATE how she's going about this. I'm not going to cry about this! heck I'm not even going to think about it anymore!!! If she hates me that much because I forgot to call her back then FORGET it!!!!! Because I'm SICK of geting treated this way. I DO NOT deserve this from anyone at the moment. ANYONE! I Do my best in the world and I try my ABSOLUTE hardest to take care of everyone elses lives and issues and here I am getting treated like worthless CRAP!!! I just feel so unapreciated and ignored. oh WAIT! I AM BEING IGNORED!!!! WHAT a coincidence. No SERIOUSLY! I think I should just DIE. But DYING probably wouldn't even satisfy her taste. no if it was up to her I'd probably be ground into a million peices, burned in an oven, have a million daggers pierced into my body, my wrists and throat slit and a gazzilion bulldozers roll over me and ALL AT ONCE . Then she'd have me live to suffer for the rest of my life. with all my pain to think about for eternity feeling nothing but agony and seeing nothing but red darkness. oh no wait! WHILE I sat amongst the flames of hell where I OBVIOUSLY belong.....

I'm so surprised at myself. It's like in harry potter where everyone thinks Harry is such a jerk in the 5th book and loses it on his friends every 10 seconds. I feel like that about now except I've been able to lock myself in with the computer and my phone dissconnected, for my friend's sake. and NO this is not entirely about my 'friend' being mad at me but I just....I don't know. I feel like I don't even matter. It's a bad mix of depression and anger and sadness and just totally losing it. I hate everything right now yet I crave everything. What is this? I'm so confusde and want to dissappear right now. I don't care what anyone has to say or who wants to kill me or love me or who hates me or who likes me I just don't care anymore. I'm going to tell them all right now:

STOP WASTING YOUR ENERGY!!!! because I'm not worth it and it's not worth your effort to try to make peoples lives more miserable than they already are. No I'm not just talking about myself because my life ROCKS yeah my LIFE IS THE BEST IN THE WORLD I HAVE SO MUCH AND AND LOVED SO MUCH BY EVERYONE!!!!!! i HAVE A GAZILLION FRIENDS AND I DON'T CARE WHAT PEOPLE ARE GOING TO THINK ABOUT ME!!!!! mY HEAVENELY FATHER LOVES ME ANYWAYS AND WHAT WOULD IT MATTER IF THE WHOLE WORLD WAS OUT TO GET ME!!!!!!!! YET I'M FEELING EVEN MORE CONFUSED WHEN I'M WRITING THESE LIES TO MYSELF!!! THEY ARE NOT LIES BUT THEY FEEL LIKE THEY ARE AND I HATE RELATIONSHIPS AND FRIENDSHIPS AND EVERYTHING THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE RELATED TO FRIENDS AND TO ROMANCE AND TO LOVE BECAUSE NOTHING GOOD COMES OUT OF THEM!!!!!! wHY CAN'T MY MISERY JUST END NOW?!?!?!? i DON'T CARE HOW SELFISH i SOUND WITH MY LIFE BEING AN IDEAL ONE!!! i'M DONE WITHMY LIFE AND i WANT IT TO STOP now!!!!!! NO i'M NOT SUICIDAL BUT BELIEVE ME IT SOUNDS 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000X BETTER THAN LIVING AND LETTING ME BEAT MYSELF UP!!!!!!!

I give up on journals....
Sooooooooooooooooooooooo what did I accomplish here? Absolutely nothing! Good job self! heres a bomb now go blow stuff up. hazzzzzzzah.


seriously I'm going to go now.