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God damn my self to hell cause that is the best I can ******** wish for. Why am I just a freaking screwed up person? Why Can't I just live my life and not break down and want to die? Why can't I just love my life as much as I love others? WHY CAN'T I LOVE MYSELF?! I don't understand it, I dont' understand any of it. Every day I live in fear that he will just be gone. I think every second that my boyfriend could just be stolen from me by death, any minute he could leave, leaveing me behind to suffer. AND I LIVE IN FEAR OF THAT CONSTANTLY! Every time that I'm not with the people that I love I think that I could loose them. My friends if I dont' hear from them in a few days I freak out, my boyfriend, just letting him drive home by himself at night gives me a panic attack. And I mean a f-ing panic attack, I start crying and I JUST CAN"T HELP IT! I tell myself they are ok, and I know they are in my mind but I can't handle it. I just feel so messed up and broken and so god damn selfish for wanting death when what i fear most is other people dieing. What the hell is the matter with me? Who thinks like this?