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Right now I'm scared. I woke up scared. I just want to tell him how sorry I am for everything. I don't know how long I have to wait to speak with him, and it scares me...maybe never?
Maybe he doesn't want me to be a part of his life anymore. It just hurts so badly. Its technically been about 50 or so hours since he left. But it still hurts. All the times I said I wanted him gone were lies, and I don't understand why I ever said them to begin with.
Its my fault he started to fall out of love with me. I did it all. I ******** lost the one thing that meant more than the world to me. I love him so much, I just can't take it. I want to just leave school, finish all my legal matters, and go there. But I can't and he wouldn't want me to. I want to start again so badly. I can't wait. I want to do everything right again. I want to treat him right again. I don't want to raise my voice again, (but it is bound to happen) I want to be the one he loves with all his heart again.
It brings me to tears to say this, since I don't know if he wants me to or not. I want to. I really want to. I can't stop myself. I love him, and I can't stop that even if I wanted. It kills me to wait online for him, and not even know if its really him, or just an imposter.
Maybe he likes Pam. I don't know, I don't care. I still love him. I still loved him when he liked Tiffany. And I still love him now. I want to hurt myself the way I hurt him, so I know what it was like. I want to feel his pain, take it as my own so he doesn't have to feel it anymore.
I may be obsessed. I may be crazy. But I know I love him.
God damnit. I wish I knew how he is doing.
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