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Do you ever think of those really great things to say? I mean, those perfect things, stuff that sounds wonderful, that hits the point exactly how you want it to. You sit there, or stand, or move, or whatever, and just think through this great tangent. A wonderfully set up idea that explains... everything.

Then you get here. And you still have all those feelings that you had explained earlier in the day, but now it's not worth writing them. I mean, you have all kinds of reasons. They sound petty or stupid or lame. They might hurt somebody or be pointless, because hey, nothing ever comes of me writing anything in here. I don't say anything I wouldn't say to a friend anyway. Sometimes I just want to vent, I need to vent, and I can't. I can't even talk out my problems with the people who I need to talk them out with, for another long list of reasons. I'd explain them all, but really, what's the point? It's nothing you couldn't guess if I just barely mentioned the problems or told the backgound or any such thing.

Besides, I only really know that one friend reads this, and I tell Kikuo everything when I meet up with him. He's constintly saying "You know I read your journal, right?" So what's the point of writing something out to everybody?

At the moment it's because I really want to talk to someone. I mean, not interenet chat, but talk. Unfotunately the only people I feel close enough to talking to either have their own problems or would otherwise prolly not want to hear it. Hell, the only one I can really talk to about everything is Maude, and she's in the middle of a mental breakdown.

It's not like I need to talk about anything important. I want to, but I don't need to. I'd like to talk to someone who can tell me what went on today in their lives, who can listen to me complain about having to make a black and pink scarf, two colors that should never be together, so I could get gas money. I want someone to tell me about the troubles in their life and have it not be something life altering. I don't want to think about how one of my best friends is dying and the other's going off to join the navy soon.

I really need another friend. Not that my friends aren't great. I actually have three really good friends, just Kikuo's a better listener than talker (you are, in person) and I really need someone to talk to me. And it's not just easy to go get a friend you can trust. Well, actually, when it happens it's incredibly easy. My best friends are friends from the start. We just click. It's like we start talking and suddenly we're laughing and having fun and feeling (pardon the cliche) like we've known each other for years.

I miss people. My best friend's in Utah right now. And it's odd to talk to Ian more than once a week. Not that we can't, it's just odd. David I normally don't see nearly as much as I've seen him this month. Again, not that it's bad seeing him, but it feels odd. I like to see these people, but right now I'm looking for something else. I'd love to talk to Maude. Just get into her hot tub and talk about everything and nothing until we've exaugsted every subject and there's nothing left to do but go inside and watch movies till we pass out.

The worst thing is, even though I feel lonely and crappy and shitty, and several other negatively conotated words, my life's still pretty damn good. I just got my report card, all As, I'm got accepted to a great school with money thrown my way, I do have friends, good friends, and then plenty of okay friends at school. I'm tallented, in shape (went out and ran a mile today because I felt like it), I'm president of three clubs and involved in a lot of other things. Water polo's about to start with a coach who likes me, and players who respect me. My teacher's think I'm a good kid, most of the time my parents do to. I'm on top of things, even while I stress for the tests and examines, I know damn well that I can do them and pull it off with flying colors. I have a car, and some money, not much, but some. I have parents who will pitch in and help if I want more yarn or sometimes need gas. I have plenty of books to read and things to do and TV to watch. I could go play sports or walk dogs, and I do. With the exception of needing almost all of my laundry washed and being in a rather consistant state of writers block things are looking good.

But they don't feel good. It sucks so much that they don't feel good. And every time something starts to get better and things are looking up, something happens to make me crash down hard. Honestly I can deal with a lot of problems, and I can push myself really hard to get through the little things. But when it's something I can't handle I know it. It takes about two seconds for things to sink in and me to feel worse. Something really, really bad can happen, and I can deal with it. Until later when the one thing that could have made up for it doesn't happen, and I realized that ********, this thing happened and nothing's bothering to make up for it. Then it happens again and again, and I go on feeling like this.

It's not rare in my life for the most chalenging problems to have the simplest solution. But I'm indesisve at times, and with all my brains can't choose to do what would make things better. And then there are things that can happen to make other things better, but it's not my choice to make them happen. I can't make other people do what I need them to do. So it doesn't get done. The worst part is when there's a million things they can do, and they don't bother with any of it.

I'm so stuck right now, and I don't know if there's anything I can do to get unstuck. Things are kind of wedged around me and I need someone's help to losen up one bit of it so I can push the rest away. No one's there to help, though. All I can do is keep doing what I'm doing. I have to, right? What am I going to do, stop with school and homework and friends? Hole up in my room and hope the world turns into a better place? I don't think I could do that. I litterally don't. I can't let something as silly as depression get to me like that. I can't let it screw up my life.

Which is a stupid thing to say. Because it is screwing up my life, and it's not silly. But in my head it always will be. It's like when I'm hurting a little when running or swimming or playing water polo. It doesn't matter that I hurt a little, it matters that I don't let it get in my way. I have things I have to do and people I have to meet and I life that I ******** have to live, else what else is there?

I went and ran a mile today. After the first lap I had planned to stop and stretch. Half way through it I realized that if I stopped that was it. I wouldn't be able to finish a mile afterwords, I wouldn't be able to keep running. I might run a little every once in a while, but it wouldn't be that full out thing were I could say I ran it all. So I didn't stop. I just kept going. I forced myself to get into a rythem where it would be harder to stop than to keep going. Where the idea of changing the pattern and losing the momentem to slow down and take a real walking step just wouldn't be worth it. I pushed myself to keep it happening until I was done, because there wasn't anything else I could do to get it done. So I just did what I had to.

In water polo last year I played as varsity goalie. I wasn't bad. Not great, not bad. A way into the season my arm started to hurt. But it wasn't anything big, nothing I couldn't handle. I kept playing, kept throwing. As Goalie you have to throw a long way for wing out passes. I was getting really good, like three forths of the pool good. It was awsome. But my arm was hurting a little. Then a little more. Then a little more. And I didn't want to stop playing to fix it, even though I knew I should. then one day I threw a ball while practicing and right then I knew, I couldn't throw another one. That I was seriously ******** hurt. Practice ended right after that. The next day was the big game against our rival school. I had to tell coach right before the game that I couldn't throw, I couldn't play. He put Merriman in as goalie instead. Merriman is great at everything, and she's a really nice girl. Really nice. I'm actually glad for her that she got the goalie spot, and that she's better than me. It sucks that she's better than me, but I'm not great. And at the banquet at the end of season, when coach was talking about Merriman I realized that I wouldn't get the chance to be starting goalie. That I wouldn't live up to what she could do. I'd ******** myself over.

Now this story actually has a happy ending. Because unlike how my life is now, the one thing that could have saved the day, and made the tears I started crying less pathetic was what my coach did next. I didn't letter that year (damnit, I wanted to) but I did get the coaches' award, an award given out to a player who shows a great deal of charector. The idea was that I never complained about what happened to me, I never said a bad thing about anyone or the situation. I sucked it up and did what I could for my team. Moral of the story? I'm a good person, but in the end I don't get what I want, and my spot goes to some other girl who's better than me.

Let's hope that doesn't follow through to other asspects of my life. That would be really bad. In many ways. I think I could deal with it, though, I mean, if I knew what was going on I could deal with it, it's when I don't know what the ******** is going on that I get worried, or annoyed, or hurt. I'm not really angry about a lot of things anymore. Anger is such a fleeting emotion, much like happiness. It comes and goes to quick to care about, but it's vital while it's there. Anger fuels you into action and helps you do things you couldn't do without it. It also gets in the way and forms stupid sentences without much point. Or with too much point to be stated in such a confusing manner. I don't much like being angry though. It's too frustrating. However I'm finding that being happy has drawbacks, too. Things don't matter so much when you're happy, it allows you to forget things, and ignore problems, which you shouldn't be ignoring, because that's your one chance to address them and you blow it on something that is more fun, but less useful, and only leaves you feeling like s**t the next day.

I'd like to go back to feeling easygoing, kinda zen. I liked that. It was simple, I could still deal with things, but they weren't in my face. I wasn't happy or angry or depressed or guilty or sad, I was just there, chilling, and it was nice. I wish I would stop hurting. Because I think hurting is one of the worst emotions. Even when depressed you can just let things go for awhile, and you still feel bad, but it's not some knawing in your stomach saying that things aren't right and there's nothing you can do to fix it. Because I can't fix it. And I don't know what to do. So I just keep going. Because to do anything else would leave everything to crash down on top of me and I just have to keep going. I don't know how to do anything else.

But I find that things can get better if I write it out, because I think best when I just sit back and ramble and talk, and let things spill. I do it in my real diary at home a lot. I just work problems through on paper by saying how they're bugging me and what I can do, and what I can't, and what I want, and what I expect. But I don't know anything to do, and I'm not going to get what I want, I just expect things to keep getting worse, and I don't know how to stop it. I don't know if I can. My life's going to keep going and I'm not going to screw it up, I have complete faith in myself when it comes to not screwing my life up. I know that everything's going to be okay. It just is. Right now, though, it's not. And I just want it to be. I want to be happy and content.

Maude said I need to get laid. I gave one of those bitter laughs and pointed out that would require having a guy in my life worth sleeping with. Or at least a boyfriend. She said that I needed a boyfriend. I laughed again, and pointed out that I didn't seem to be able to find someone worth dating. And then once I did he'd have to realize I was worth dating. Of course she said that I was worth dating, and any guy should see that. I humored her and didn't reply. It's one of those things where I can't really say anything because I see everything from a biased light, and after my failures with relationships I have a hard time coming up with positive ideas. However guys have liked me in the past. This is a known fact. And there may even be some guy out there that likes me now. I don't know. Chances are he's not the type of guy I'd want to date, because I'm hella picky. Which sucks, a lot. And I don't want to be one of those girls who dates someone just to date someone. I've done that before, it's not fun. It's actually really lame. I also don't want to be one of those girls who spends all her time pining over a guy who treats her like crap. Done that too, it also sucks. I want to be the girl in the happy relationship with the guy who's as crazy about her as she's as crazy about him and who can be perfectly happy hanging out and talking about their favorite kind of cheese. I don't know if I've ever actually had a descusion about my favorite kind of cheese, but I'd like to. Hell, I just want a guy who can talk to me about things and make me feel like I'm a part of his life.

Granted it's not that simple, there are many more complicated things to it. Like he has to be one of those people who just click with me, because all my best friends are, and if he were really to be a good boyfriend he'd prolly be one of my best friends. Since it's hard enough to find a really good friend, finding one who's male, single, and is someone who I'd like to date is so much more difficult.

Then again I don't really want the most serious relationship. It's actually an idea I played around with, I'd mentioned it to this guy Justin, who I refer to as my ex-boyfriend even though he never really was my boyfriend. The idea came from Scott, a guy I don't really talk to anymore for several reasons, and who Justin didn't really like, again, many reasons behind that one. Anywho, so I realized that if I were to have a relationship with Justin it would have to be a serious one, and I didn't really want a serious one. I wanted to play "the Dating Game" (scott's name for it) where people go and date a lot of people, staying with them for a few months living like it means the world, before eventually moving on and finding someone else. Because I wanted to be with more than one guy, I just wanted to know what it's like.

However, I also agree (more so now) that if you're happy with someone you should be with that someone. You shouldn't go making things complicated. Granted I'm not with anyone now so it doesn't matter. I tried to be, I'd planned to be, but that would be that relationshp where the guy treated me like crap. I don't want to be the girl who puts up with it.

I don't know where I am in life. I really don't. Academically I do, but that's nothing, really. I take my grades for granted, I know I'm going to do well there. I used to have all these serious questions that I could ask myself about myself, and I'd know the answers. I was still a little miserable in life, but things had finally started to get better. I didn't like where I was entirely, but I knew where I was. The questions weren't hanging out, I wasn't wondering where I was going, what was going to happen, I just knew a lot more. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if that didn't get screwed up. After a month would I be feeling better? Would I have moved on with life? What problems would I be worried about, how would I solve them? How would I have treated other people differently?

I'm not sorry my life is the way it is, in all honestly I don't regret much, and what I do regret is petty and unimportant, but I wonder a lot. If I hadn't done that stupid thing where would I be? If he hadn't said that what would it have changed? If she hadn't been there would I have done things differently? All of those questions that will never have answers.

I'd like a few answers. I really would. Maybe I'll get lucky and someone help me out.

10 bucks says I'm not that lucky.