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Well I was writing a journal when I got sidetracked, but it was a good sidetrack. only bad because my mind did come across my anxieties of college. It'll be alright in the end, but still a person has a right to be a little nervous sometimes.

So today I did my dance exam and got out of the school and went to the funeral. it was a short service. there is another in the spring but it's not the church thing.
In all my life i have never been in a church so many times in such a short amount of time. And I actually learned why. Apparently I WAS a sunday school child. I just didn't wanna sit and listen to the lady talking so i made excuses to run to the bathroom apparently. I would draw and stuff but not listen very well. Pfft that TOTALLY sounds like me as a little kid biggrin I'm my daddy's kid alright 3nodding but i guess i was only 3. becuase i was told about it i vaugly have memories of it. i did recognize the building a bit and in the past up until 3 years ago, i thought i had been in that church before.

anyways though... the service was short. i havn't cried or anything though since my lesson thursday, which was becuase i didn't know if she was even alive still or not. I don't know what day she passed. I just know my dad asked me about the funeral and attending and since he did that i have been alright. either i got all my grieving out bombarding an IM box or filling up gaia journals... while bawling as quietly as i could without causing troubles in the house. it really is strange how i work confused it's still sad that all this crap is happening this year with family dying and online friends (no one close... but still), and the suicidal (mood, still living) friend thing REALLY seemed to turn things around for me. And all of this is bringing up my fears again and i am not liking sleep. dreams arn't bad enough to wake me up, i'm not being tortured... they just arn't giving me good feelings when i start to remember them the next day. and i keep having thoughts come across my mind of what i would do if lost someone closer to me, or even the greatest loss/fear. And also i keep remembering how somewhere along the line i stopped finding reasons to die, and found a reason to live... and i wonder what i would do without it since i still don't see a clear point in suicide worth the time/loss of my life, but don't know how to react if i lost what i live for. i literally did find something that makes me fear my own death. that though is what's kinda haunting me recently... but i think it's only because of all that's been going on this year and a combination of events. i should sleep... just not sure what type of sleep to expect tonight. *goes to grab kitty and head for bed*