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******** people and their ******** happiness. It makes me sick. All I get is lies, embellishments, and stupidity thrown at me. And it continues to happen when they know I still have feelings. Those feelings will not go away, NO MATTER WHAT IS THROWN. Get that through your ******** head already.

I can't deny what is going on in my dreams. In all my dreams there is either one where things DO get better, or one where I just give up on everything. I'm tired of being told that there is no chance in hell. I am tired of being told that I can get another boyfriend. WHEN ITS OBVIOUS THAT NO MALE HAS EVER HAD ANY INTEREST IN ME. Stop telling me that I am beautiful, its only a lie. Stop telling me that I'm still a good person, when I am not even a human being.

My ankle still hurts, but I can walk on it pretty well. So I have to go to school. I hate going, even if it is the third day. I hate it to no end. I hate seeing happy couples, people holding hands, and people getting together. It makes me sick. And to be honest, I can't take it anymore.

Raymond still says hes suicidal, but does not intend on acting on it. Well, I am, and I am acting on it. But failing every god damned time I try. I will not fail. I need to plan it out more, thats all.

I'm just plain sick of it. I PAID FOR EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE DONE, BUT WHY DOES IT KEEP COMING? I hate waking up every morning knowing that I did something so disgusting. And that the person I did it to is HAPPY now. WITH SOMEONE ELSE. And NOT ME. I ******** DID IT ALL. ITS ALL MY FAULT, SO WHY SHOULD I BE THE ONE FORCED TO LIVE EVERYDAY LIKE THIS?

I want a little hope, thats all I want. Not false hope, but something real. Just a little something out of all this nothing.

My body can't take much more. I can say that much. But it doesn't matter. When I'm gone, the pain will eventually be removed from all of your lives. I want to be selfish again, because I let Raymond call me horrible things, and block me, and hurt me to no end. Maybe if I put myself though the pain, he'd see something. But that won't happen. So if I put myself out of the pain for good, maybe then I can go to hell in peace. My selfishness will be the death of me, unless someone murders me first, or if I get into a horrific car crash.

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