I'm so scared of losing Phil... of him breaking up with me. I've been wanting to meet him SO BADLY since forever and we finally had a chance this weekend, I was going to get Mom to take me to the Pat's Pizza in Phil's hometown, we could meet there and have pizza. I told him I was getting Mom to take me there... and then he told me he might not even be there. He said he was going to be with his friend Derek. Naturally, I got really upset. (I'm always really upset over SOMETHING, ne?) and I started to kinda freak out, and I asked him why he couldn't just go back home on Sunday and meet up with me then at Pat's Pizza. So then he started to tell me that I was making him feel like crap. That's when I started to get scared, that's something Jake would have done. I always thought that Phil kind of reminded me of Jake, but I had pushed that thought aside lately, until he started acting more like him. Jake would always make me feel like the bad person, and he would always avoid talking to me. Just like Phil was doing. It also seemed like Phil was trying to avoid meeting me. But that doesn't make sense, why WOULDN'T he want to meet me after saying so many times that he wants to see his ******** girlfriend, and that he was trying his best to come see me?
Well, his computer must've stopped working... so I got off the computer and lay in bed. Then I decided to e-mail him and tell him that he was reminding me of Jake. That might've been a really bad idea, and it might make him break up with me, but I thought he wanted to know how I felt (even though every time I tell him how I feel, he says I'm making him feel like crap).
Then I was laying in bed again... and I thought "What if he wasn't trying to avoid me... what if he was trying to surprise me?" my only hints of that were that he once mentioned trying to get to Bangor or to get someone to drive him to Bangor without telling me so he could surprise me. (But that might just be another Jake-ish thing). But last night he also mentioned that he and Derek might go to Bangor, but he wouldn't ask him to go to a certain place at a certain time to meet me for Pendragon only knows what reason.
I'm so confused... I wish we could just have a happy relationship... together... I really don't want us to break up. He promised me that he would take me away from here one day. I really believed him. If I found out it was just a lie, my heart would be more than broken. I'd probably lose any will to live. I really really wish I could leave this place and be with him... but I might not be able to anymore.
He hasn't gotten on yet today. Last night I also told him to call me if he couldn't get online. I don't know if he got my e-mails though. I really hope he doesn't just break up with me... and that he tries to work it out with me instead...
I e-mailed my big brother, Jake (a different Jake, der) and he said it really did sound like Phil was trying to avoid meeting me... which is exactly what I was afraid of.
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And So We Go
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