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So, yeah. You four people read my journal again. But those two unknows didn't bother to post. Ah well, didn't really expect you to. It actually says five people read it though, but that's just because my mule showed up one day because I hit the wrong link with her.

Anywho... I got the AFK I wanted, actually I wanted an OMG, but AFK works. Now I just get to wait for it to go up in value so I can trade it for (at least) JU 03 shoes/gloves/shirt, plus 2 chian wallets. (This is an at least.)

Um... And... I'm going to ramble a lot, and prolly b***h a lot. So if you're not really interested in hearing people complain then don't bother reading this. If you want to read it then realize I wrote this mostly because there wasn't anything else to do and my best friend's in Utah right now so I have no one to talk to.

But yeah... where to start... Have you ever just had one of those days? You probably have, most people do at some point, but it's just... you feel... pent up, surpressed, grouchy, irritable, nervous, hectic, confused, tired, not really angry but for some reason whenever you think about someone you remember that thing they did wrong that one time, even though it doesn't even matter anymore.

I'm going to say that this is not PMS, because last time I felt something similar (but not so long lasting or intense) my mom told me it was probably PMS and wouldn't believe me when I said "No, mom, I know what I'm like when that's around, and this is not it." Just in case you're thinking the same thing my mom did, please stop. It will just piss me off. I don't really want to be pissed off right now.

I don't know what pushed me over the edge of my stress/whatever limit. I mean, I went to my dad's this weekend and got caught up on homework and stuff. I was able to basically live off his couch, with my laptop hooked up online, a verity of movies to watch, and a semi-stocked fridge a room and a half away. Everything was fine. Sunday night I basically just came home and went to bed because I had to be up early for waterpolo. Morning practices are... well, they're required, so whatever they are I'll live through it.

But Monday's practice was okay. Honestly, no big deal. Sure I was a little tired, but I was fine. I didn't really start to feel grumpy until playing cards with my sister after practice to kill time. I don't know why it popped up then, but it did. And I've kind of been irritable ever sense. But it started small, then just grew. And grew. And grew.

Now the kicker was Monday night. My parents finally decided they'd do the FASA, that finacial aid thing for college. Priority deadline was Feb 1st, but they kept putting it off. "Oh, I'll do it next weekend," was what I kept hearing. And I had a lot to do that night, too, just so you know. But then it's my parents telling me to do things and calling me every five minutes, and not being able to figure things out, and not just leaving me alone.

And, just so you know, if I ever come to you and show you that I just got a $3,000 scholarship, please don't say "That's good, what else are you doing for money?" If I ******** got 3k for something, let me be happy with that before you pester me for more. In case certain people haven't noticed my time was packed with school crap before waterpolo, it's not getting any easier now to do things. Especially when I have to balance activities with sports. And I lost these papers I have to type up for the CWM, that's bugging me.

Anyway, I'm not really getting to the point. As I said I'm just rambleing. And I'm probably leaving out a lot, but that's okay. Just Monday was bad. I ended up almost yelling at my mom again over a few things. Bassically she was trying to say that it was my fault she hadn't done something, and I was telling her that I had told her to get it done "soon." and "ASAP," and she was the one who had waited a month or two. Then she said that the paper she'd been sent said the money wasn't needed till May, and I said that I didn't care, I had told her to send it because sooner is better than later.

All the time I just wanted to say "Please, if you want to ******** around with your life go right ahead. But this is my future so quit screwing me over."

Tuesday... I wasn't feeling better Tuesday. Normally if you just give me a night to sleep on things I'm fine. I wasn't fine Tuesday. I was kind of worse. Just... more... hell, I wish I could remember the words I want to use. They're on the tip of my tounge, I just thought this one, I mean, I just did, then it slipped my mind.

Anyway I started reading a book Monday which took up a lot of Tuesday, which helped me sheild out everything going on around me. Which was good because I didn't want to deal with teachers giving me funny looks when I said I blew off my homework. Barber gave me this look that said, "Are you joking?" I was one of the few people in class who had never missed an assignment. I'm one of the few people in his class with an A. All I said was, "something came up last night, it won't happen again."

Then sixth period I was hastily writing my rough draft for newspaper. Which is fine, because I actually had a good reason for waiting until the last moment. I was trying to wait until after the dummy sheets were made (those are the things that kind of map out the pages, they would show me how long my story should be). I'm on the pull out, a special thing we do once a year for when we go to compition, and the nice person in charge of layout for that went ahead and was absent a lot. Then didn't get around to doing it. Mind you the pull out is very important and has to look good.

but hey, they can blow it off. Why not.

Anyway, I get my story typed, and I was in one of those twitchy moods. My day had gone bad, just a lot of little s**t, and I was near shaking. I actually don't get so stressed or whatever that I shake often, but I was really out of it. But I thought my story looked all right, but I wanted someone to check. I interupted my friend Tayler who was in the middle of a conversation (appologised when I realized I had interupted her, again, I was a little out of it) and asked if she could read it and tell me how it sounded. I pointed out that she didn't have to. She said in a minute, I told her to take her time. (I don't like to push people to do things for me that they shouldn't have to do. It makes me feel guilty.) Any who so we trade seats so she can read it and I start chatting with someone in class. Then when I look over her shoulder she's typing in little notes on things, fixing mistakes (adding comas mostly) and doing little editing things.

I ask her to stop. What I said probably sounded something like, "what? Oh, Tayler, no, please stop. Please don't mess with the story, I haven't proof read it yet, and just please don't." In one of those rushed, kinda out of it and stressed out ways. She says she's just fixing things. I say please just don't. Then right in front of me she adds another coma.

I know it's little, and yes it did go their gramitcally, but frankly, I didn't give a damn. I had JUST RIGHT THEN asked her to stop. I had told her to stop. I had said I'd do it later, but please, please stop. And she didn't. Then I went and deleated it, and she added it again. I'm like "Tayler, Please! I don't want you doing that, I don't give a damn if it goes there, please just stop! It's my story, don't worry about it. I just wanted you to tell me if it sounded good. Don't worry about grammer, LEAVE IT ALONE!"

she added the coma back in. Again.

Then I was basically saying, "I'm serious, I'm not in a good mood, I'm having a bad day, can you just leave it alone and stop touching the story. Please, just get off the computer. Tayler, damnit, will you stop doing that!" She was fidling with the bar that scrolls the story up and down. "Will you please just get off the computer."

"You never said I couldn't fix it," Tayler argued, defending herself. I agreeded that I hadn't before, but pointed out that she added the damn coma right after I said it. And again, I asked her to get off the comp.

Eventually our friend Amber came out, and I'm just standing there basically pleeding with Tayler to cut it out (I don't normally pleed, she was just really bugging me and she wouldn't quit it. Please don't ever do that to me. If I say I'm serious, stop it, I ******** mean it.) And finally Tayler goes away. I get back on the computer and changes back some of what she did. I keep some of it, Tayler knows her grammer, but I don't care if some things are technically introductory phrases and technically should have comas, I care that comas mean take a pause, and some of what I write isn't supposed to have that pause. So to emphasize the lack of pause I leave the coma out. I know it's not gramtically correct, but it sounds better. If you're not Tayler. Or some other grammer-nazi.

And on a side note, if you're mad at me for saying I had a bad day to get you to stop taunting me and ******** around with my things, don't go and through the "You think you're having a rough time! I was feeling so bad yesterday I almost killed myself!" card at me. I'll tell you right now that after that you won't get s**t from me. I'm not very sympathetic to pathetic people who toss around the fact that they can't deal with their lives.

Especially when I've been to their buetiful, clean houses, talked to their kind, if overbearing parents, seen their pets, hung out with their friends, and basically know that they have a good life.

Tayler has no goddamn reason to kill herself, and she doesn't know me well enough to even seriously mention that to me unless she's some attention getting b***h. I know people who contimplated suicide for reasons I can understand and sympathise with. Just because they're a little p***k does not give them reason to ******** me over.

Anywho, I'm debating wether I'm going to talk to her anytime soon. I mean, I'll say things like "excuse me, can I get to my bag real quick?" (said that today) but at the moment I'm not in the best of moods and it would probably be better for the both of us if I just ignore her.

Tuesday night I came home after practice and took a bath. It's the second night in a row that I had taken a bath. I don't really like bathes, to be honest. Dunno why, to steamy I guess. I'm more of a shower person. But I just wanted to lie down and be warm. It's very cold in this house and the weather just isn't helping. So I just tried to relax for awhile. Then I went in my room and spent many hours playing dungen keeper 2. I borrowed the game from my sister Jen when I was at my dad's. It killed time and helped me ignore everything. Oh the bliss of just not paying attention.

And I managed to get all my homework done, too. Go me! Granted I did all my homework after morning practice this morning. Morning practice today was less fun. I really didn't want to be there. I wanted to be at home sleeping. But I went, because I had to, and me and Patricia (younger sister) provided breakfast for the team. Everyone was happy about it. I'm happy they were happy. I was on my nerves ends and kind of pacing all morning as I waited for everyone to finish eating and making a mess so that I could clean up. I figured if I brought the food I should be responsible for the area around it. That way no one would get in trouble for it being messy.

Other than that I kind of just went through today, taking it one class at a time. I went to bed late last night, got up at 4:30. I might have gotten 5 hours of sleep. I'm just on auto pilot right now. I'm debating getting up late tomorrow but I haven't started my math assignment yet (I leave my math book at school so I can just do it during first period, cause I don't have a class. It makes me keep my clock strait so I don't have to shift too much for morning practice.) The reading I'll prolly do in the morning or at lunch. I almost just want to call in sick and not go to school, except after not doing my best in science this week I have to be there to get all the points I can. Plus I can't miss too much because in two weeks I'll be gone for four days for sixth grade camp. And then if I miss practice I can't play in the jamboree on Saturday.

Tonight... was just nerve racking. I had my final for English. I hadn't done the reading for the last week or so because I didn't want to. Honestly that was the only reason. I guess this state of pent up frustration has been building for awhile. Luckily, though, it was all poetry. And since this was an open book test, and the poems I had to read weren't insanely long, I was able to do decent, I think. I was just particularily forgetful today. So many little things... It's the little things that are biting me in the a**. I actually did well on the test, I know I did. I did well on the papers that were handed back, too. I did well on the last two quizes in Gov class, my news story, which I got back today, sounds good. My Japanese is going swell, my math is up to snuff. I even got the number for the atheletic place and called about shirt prices for Chess club. I'll talk to some chess club people tomorrow. I know 8 are going to want shirts, I'm hoping to get 15 to buy. I didn't ask about prices for just 10 people, I may call tomorrow and do that just in case. I'm thinking it will prolly be 12-15 dollars a shirt if we get 15 people. that's just because I want us to have names on the back. I want to put "President" on the back of mine, because it would make me happy. Little things make me happy. I need some good little things in my life.

I talked to Maude yesterday and it was kind of depressing. I kind of ranted about things to her, and she kinda ranted about things to me. I want her to come home. I want a sleep over night or something. I want to go out to the little Japanese resturaunt we like and eat and chat and just be girls for awhile.

I feel so much like talking. I don't really want to write, I don't really want to read, I don't really want to think about anythind deep or depressing or important. I just want to talk to someone. And I don't even know who. I can talk to Maude, I'd enjoy it, but I don't really want to talk to her right now. I miss her, but I don't want to talk to her. I know what she would say, I know what's going on in her life. I know that her problems remind me a lot of my own. I wish there was someone who's problems I could listen to, or just someone who'll talk to me about their life, and I wouldn't have to say anything, or think too hard, or do too much. I just want someone to talk to.

I've had that feeling, kind of an itchy, twitchy feeling in the back of my knees and in my shoulders. It's that "I want to do something" feeling. Normally to get rid of it I go and exersize. I've been exersizing. I've exersized a lot. Tons of swimming (and might I add I'm not in the wrost shape. Granted, I'm eating more now that I exersize because it just makes me hungry, but I've got a lot more muscle already.) So it's something else that I want to do. I think I just want to hang out with people. To be honest I think I'm lonely. There's really just no one around that I want to hang out with right now. And while I want to hang out with Maude, I don't really want to hang out with Mikki and Austen, who sometimes tag along. I keep telling Maude she needs to get better friends so that I can have someone else to talk to. She tells me she's trying and then some other joke. Some of them are actually really funny.

I made dinner tonight. Rice o-roni stuff. I actually really like it. But today I didn't do so well on the cooking thing. Sometimes it comes out so perfect and it's delicious. Today was decent, but not great. Tim and I ate and watched survivor. I was actually annoyed with who they voted off. In the end it was a tie between the two people I didn't think deserved to leave, and one of them had to go. They should have voted James off, I think. But my opinion doesn't count for much anymore.

Oh! We scrimiaged today in water polo. A couple things to say about that: I'm doing okay as goalie. Merriman's doing a little better than me, I think, possible more than a little. I can throw further than she can. My arm's starting to hurt again when I throw. The girls don't bother to listen to me half the time. As goalie I kind of get to lead the players while they'r eon defence, and some just don't listen. Granted, a lot of the girls are new, but when I yell "Keep swimming!" they should keep swimming. Or when I say "Get between your man and the goal" I think it's pretty self explaining. Oh, and the whole "Stay on your man!" just might be important. I must say though I was very pleased with the varist team, we sent the best girls out right away to face off against each other, and they did pretty good. And, go Abby, who was one girl who did listen to me.

to explain: When two affensive girls are charging on either side of the pool towards me in goal, and one of them has the ball, and there is only one defensive girl close enough to defend, there are certain things she should do. As goalie I'm watching the girl with the ball. Were she to pass it to the other girl right before they got to me that girl would have an easy shot, because I wouldn't be able to get over in time to block it. So the defender should be on the girl without the ball, let me handle the other one. Abby was in the middle of the pool. I pointed to the appropriate girl and shouted "GET ON HER!" twice, I think, and Abby listened! Someone listened to me! And guess what! I blocked the ball! *dances happily* I did good! And Abby did good! That's called TEAMWORK. Amasing what happens when people bother to work together. Maybe some of the other girls should listen to this and get that through their heads.

But wait, that would probably mean that they had to listen to me. Why would they do that?

Okay, I'm being harsh, some of these girls look up to me. And I really don't complain in the pool. I complain to Patricia because she's my sister and it's okay, but I don't complain to the other girls. I will try to teach them when they make mistakes, and explain things to them, but I don't b***h at them. When they're in the water I will shout at them, but that's because they need to hear me. I'm not trying to be an a**, I'm trying to get them to listen. It's not mean shouting, it's panicked, OMG that girl is right next to the goal and you're dog paddling towards us instead of sprinting, what the hell is wrong with you shouting.

I'm a little tense.

I want to play dungen keeper two again except it's already late and I should go to bed. I don't want to go to sleep. you'd think with only 4-5 hours of sleep I'd want more, but I don't. I just want someone to get on or to randomly IM me or something so we can chat. But not if they're boring, I'm tired of talking to boring people. I want to meet someone tomorrow and have us just click. then bam, we could talk all the time and I wouldn't feel awkward or like I have to hide the fact that I secretly want to take a baseball bat to something very expensive and more than somewhat breakable.

I just want this feeling to go away. Far, far away. Like pluto. That might be greedy. Just mars then. Yes, it can go to mars. Maybe it will give a bug to the rovers there, which would be bad. Those things are hella spiffy, we were watching a movie on them in science. I actually like chemistry this year. I just wish I had a different lab partner. No offence to my friends, who I work with, but they can be a little slow. I want to work with someone smarter than me, but not too smart that I hold them back. That's normal for me, though. If I'm in a group I want someone smarter than me most of the time. Just so there's someone I can turn to if I have a question. I don't want someone to do the work, I enjoy doing the work, I just want someone to help me out. Help is good. I need lots of help. Most of what I do I have to figure out for myself.

There's just so much to do. I want someone I can hang out with and just go up to and hug whenever I need a hug. I actually do that to some of my friends in journalsim. I'll just hug them if they look sad, or if I feel sad, because it's kidna fun. It's like our inside group joke thing. Only for some of us though. Some of the people aren't very nice to me. I liked our old editor in chief, Sara was cool, and nice, and friendly. Stephane seems more organized, but less understanding. She's not so nice or friendly or accepting. She's not the person you can make a random joke to. Or at least not the person I can make a random joke to. She's not someone I'd go up and hug because she looked sad. Newpaper is a small class so we get to get chummy with a few people, though. So it's not all bad. I'm not best buds with anyone in there, though, and a lot of time it seems like someone else has their best bud next to them chatting. I'll walk up to a conversation and just listen in, not saying anything, sometimes. I like to listen. It's relaxing. I miss just listening to people talk.

I wanted to check out a book on tape from the library, but I couldn't find one I was interested in. Wait, that's not right, I wanted a book on CD. Again, no luck. I've checked out all the young adult ones that they have that I liked. I probably should visit a different branch of the library, it may have other things to choose from. But naturally they're further away. That's why I go to the one nearby.

So, I want to read, actually. I just don't feel like reading. I'm not really into focusing on anything right now. I like doing my homework because it's calming and I can just choose to focus on it, even if I don't feel like focusing. It just gives me an anchor. I get to come back to myself and do something I'm good at. I can do math, math is easy. I can do Japanese, no problem. I can read the gov book, take notes, and ace that quiz. I can do these things, and do them well. That's what I do.

Obviously there's something I don't do that's causing me my problems. I don't know what it is, though. I don't know what's really under my skin, other than all the little things. I don't know what's making everything else in my life so hard to deal with right now. I mean, there's all of the normal semi-big problems that don't go away and that I think about almost daily. There's always the friend thing, and teh college thing, and the "What if this assignment's the one I screw up on that leaves me with an A-?" thing. I'm so annoyed right now because I have a B in the newspaper. But it's only because someone told me the wrong thing, or rather someone changed the grading for the calender and didn't bother to tell the person who was in charge of doing it. No, the new editor-in-chief sees no need to make sure the on staff people know what's going to hurt them. So I wasn't able to make up for the lack of points from the calender, because I didn't know I would have to....

I actually cried in front of Mrs. Locey on Monday when I talked to her about my grade. It was originally marked as a D, which was wrong, but then we added some points she missed and it moved up to a B. And she said, "A B is much better, right?" and I said, "It's not good enough," and she looked like she felt sorry for me. It really sucks when people feel sorry for me. I really don't want that. It's similar to how I don't like to b***h at people about my problems. Well, I really do like to b***h at people, and I want to, but I don't want to. I don't want to make them feel sorry for me or annoy them by complaining a lot, or just go off on something I'm sure they don't give a damn about. Who cares whether or not Kendra didn't bother to listen to me in water polo? Who cares if that girl rolled her eyes at me and it pissed me off? Who cares that by Abby switching the girl she gaurded that it made me feel so much better?

I know people care. I mean, my family would care, or Maude would, or some of my other friends, just like I'd care about their problems, but a part of me does't think they should. A part of me doesn't like to complain to people because I feel like I should be listening to them, instead. I talk to much a lot. But then, I always have something to say. And as much as I'd like to be nice to a person and listen to them, I'm not really up to listening to silence sometimes. If they're not going to talk, sometimes I just kind of need to. Right now I just kind of need to write this out. There wasn't really anything else for me to do.

I wish something big would happen. Something big and good. Something big and not tinged with the kind of feeling that came with getting the 3k scholarship instead of the 6k one. Yes, three thousand is good, but I could have done better. I don't want something big to happen that leaves me thinking it wasn't enough.

I should go to bed. But I have to switch my laundry around. I ended up wearing pajamas today because A. I was too lazy to look for other clothes, and B. I knew there probably wasn't any other clothes to wear. I've used up all of my hidden clothes stash for when I run out of laundry. It's the stuff I don't like but works in a pinch. Pinch came and went and I still didn't bother to do the laundry.... but I'm doing it doay. Mostly so that I'll have something green to wear tomorrow.

And I'm wearing the scarf I made awhile ago just for me. It had been so long since I made a scarf just for me, and this one turned out perfect. I mean, I love it. I wear it with all sorts of things, not caring if it matches. I just love it. It's soft and warm, and just my colors... it's kinda green and brown, except not really a brown. I don't know how to describe it, maybe I'll show it to you if I know you and you haven't already seen it. I really do love it.

I'm gonna switch the laundry, then head upstairs. I want to keep writing, and I'm sure I could think of more, but it's late. Besides, I'll probably have to relog in anyway, showing that I spent too much time on this.

Happy saint Patty's day everyone! May your shamrocks be four sided!

Aul