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Tremors rippled the cool flesh under my clenched fingers. Breathing heavy, I suck air through my clenched teeth just to let it out in a muffled cry a second later. Salty bitterness leaking between my parted lips, licking them clean, my body thirsts for more. Pillows lay scattered around the floor, thrown from, there now occupied place, on the bed. Reaching out, cold metal of the railed antique day bed attracts my fingers to wrap round. Gasping in pain; the metal frigid, my body overheating. Two ends of the pain spectrum and yet they feel so good fighting over the same territory. Currents of moans leave my throat as the late afternoon heat seeps its way past the blinds to press against my chest. Writhing under the covers, fireworks erupted behind my lidded eyes. Though pulled by a string, my body arched, back trying to escape through my front. The rest is black shot with the blue and orange, swirling each other in eternal dance.
Regaining conciseness I try to open my eyes, but am unable. Laying there in my created black abyss, I wonder if it is for the best not being able to see. If you can't see then you can’t see him. Boiling tears beat against the outward restraints of my imprisoned lids. Raising a shaky hand, my sheered subs of nails scratch their way through the crust. Tears make fast work of the remnants, washing them down to the bare mattress beneath my cradled head. Wincing with the pain I forced tired arms to strain, pushing my torso up into a sitting position. Little streams of fading light slipped through the blinds, illuminating the bareness of the room. All that sat across from where I lay upon the now disheveled day-bed, was a dresser, white paint peeling to the dull wood underneath. The mirror tilted dangerously forward, though held in place by some hinges, still when looking into its reflective depths I feared it falling and trapping me on the other side. Flipping my hair aside, I stared into those all seeing depths again.
Animal, there was no other word for it, sat there slumped on the day-bed. Eyes hollow and empty, capable of displaying anything and yet deciding on nothing, just the pit of black they were now. Mane frazzled, wild, dangerous, and all the better. The creature raised one disheveled paw, scored with red irregular lines like most of the visible flesh. Rubbing the muzzle, it looked dismissively at me. Somehow I knew what went through its mind like it was my own. It thought, I thought, me to be pitiful, weak and not be worth the minimal energy to eat such a non-appetizing morsel, as it called me. Leaning forward I begged with my eyes for it to just end me, take me from this life I was not deserving of and let me just die in the darkness, where a lowly thing as I was would dwell.
Harsh fluorescents rip through the semi darkness, shattering the illusion of peace. Toppling from the bed I scrambled to put a barrier between me and the assaulting light. I found nothing but the carpet; it would have to do until more protection could be found.
“Turn it off! Turn it off!” I cried into the carpet letting the tears come to heal my fried corneas.
The light flicked off but not before being replaced with the less harmful blue light emanating from what I could process as the hall night-light. I blinked, wiping my face on the scratchy carpet that absorbed all I gave and still had room for more.
“How much longer will you continue to do this Katie? I can understand that it hurts, but it’s no excuse to become a hermit. It’s past time to get up and get out of this room. You can start by coming to dinner, were going to Tony’s. The blond waiter you keep flirting with inquired about you last week. He seemed quite disheartened that you didn’t show.”
I stared up at this elderly woman, her white hair bushed to perfection, even though her lips were creased in disapproval. She crossed to the closet. My clothes danced across the rail as she sent them from one end to the other on their thin metal hangers. Some made the journey with ease others swung nearly falling into the mouth of the chasm that was the open suitcase, that lay in wait beneath. Taking a few pieces out she lay them on the bed before leaving. No backwards glance, no orders, no words of advice; she just left me there to wallow in my own misery.
“Why?” I whispered to the darkness. She had just left me afloat in this raging storm of self doubt and deprecation. She had thrown me an oar, but one full of holes to the point of uselessness. The sea raged, what use is it that that pretty boy ask about me? He is the reason I’m here. Walls of raging thoughts crashed over my fractured grasp of sanity, leaving me shivering, clinging to the edges of reality.
Write, came the breeze brushing my tangled mess of hair. Something filled my body, something warm that calmed the raging walls of sorrow. Reaching out a hand to grasp the breeze, I wanted more to fill the empty shell I had become. I was back in the dark room, reaching out toward the door. Write... it time to start writing again, this time it came from within my core. Fishing under the bed my hand caught on the braided handle of my beach bag, discarded after that night. Blindly pulling out the only two things I needed now, my journal and the red pen that I left attached to it for just moment like this. I needed to write, not just because of this feeling but it just felt right. The blue light was just enough to see the lined pages.
Tingling in anticipation my fingers took flight, scrolling across the page leaving words that turned into sentences. I could feel my brain fill with the words that were not mine; though they went from my fingers to the page smooth and consistent. As suddenly as the urge came to write, it left talking the warmth my core held with it. I was left sitting in the hungry darkness again, with no one around except my thoughts and the words I had just written. With two letters I finished writing, tossing the pen into the dark void hopping it would leave me be. Glancing down at the page I had just written upon I could not make out words, to do so would mean turning on a stronger light then the gentle blue that did not hurt my eyes.
“Pain does not last forever; it is only the fear of pain that makes it hurt more.”
Those words came out with such solidarity that I was startled into dropping the journal. My grandfather had said those exact words to me once and he had been right and he was right now. I could be afraid no longer, light was only light, pain was only pain and I was who I was. I was the girl who did dive rolls on concrete and ended up smacking her head every time, the pain was not that bad because I was not anticipating the pain. Standing up I stumbled the few feet to the light switch, without a second though the light came though just like before. I stood steady staring into the light infused room. Just as my grandfather had said, the pain of the startling light faded and all I had to do was give it time. I cross the room to sit on the bed only hesitating to pick up the journal now infused with my latest thoughts.
“To give up at the first sign of opposition is to give up on ones self. In turn to give up on ones self is to let the enemy win and that is inexcusable. We push through life the best we can, conflict and heart-ache surround us and yet you never saw me give into it and neither should you. Life may get harder as you go on making your own decisions and living your life against everyone’s expectations, but I have always believed in you. I have always encouraged you to work hard and follow your own dreams to their fullest. I have seen you through some difficult times, and I you have come out just fine, so what makes this time any different? Did you give up on living and cower in a corner when you had no friends? No you went and made new ones, better ones. Did you give up on writing every time your father said you would aspire to nothing if you continued to put your attention towards writing? No, you went and continued to write with such vigor. Even though I will never get to read any of the wonderful works that you pour your heart into, I just have to tell you that I am so proud at how strong you turned out to be in my absence. You will become even stronger in time, you will become all that you want to be if you just remember what I always said. Pain does not last forever; it is only the fear of pain that makes it hurt more. E.W.”
Tears flow freely down my face; I let them continue to fall as I read over the message again and again. Letting the meaning fill my mind, memorizing each word and how they fit so well together. Closing the journal I placed it gently on the bare mattress. It was decided, grabbing the clothes my grandmother had placed on the bed I dashed for the bathroom. I didn’t care about the harsh lights that blinked on or the scalding water of the shower, I wasn’t going to let one persons mistake ruin the time I had with these grandparents, because it was only a matter of time before I would have to give them up too.