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Long Time No See!
xd finally im able to get on here and do something... my comp has a virus and we just dont take the time to fix it sweatdrop ... but anyway. its been a month since i wrote on here and i have had alot of stuff happen! xp Most recent... im going to my senior prom this sat. with a friend of mine and it should be alot of fun. it is kinda weird how he became my date, but thats not important. my best friend problems have been fixed, for the better that is, and i have only one problem left to fix in my life that i can think of. actually trying to fix it is something that i need to take the time to do, but i cant seem to find the courage... i wish could. its kinda pathetic, all i wanted was for him to be happy, and i couldnt do that... but even when i was mad at him, i still wished on stars and eyelashes and all the other little things people wish on, for the same thing, for him to be happy. to this day i still use my wishes for it, but i dont know if its working out for him or not. i still cry for him, because of him i should say. its stupid, but i do. i just want to be his friend again, for him to acknowledge my presence... but i dont think thats going to happen. i wonder... all my happiness, is it all just an act? before i met him, it was, but when i was with him, i was truly happy. and now that hes gone... i dont know. fyi, he was just a friend, he was my close friend, the only one i ever really trusted... i ruined it by saying something i never should have. and i beat myself up for that everyday. of all the things i forget or have forgotten, why cant it be this... i know that he has moved on, why cant i? ive tried, my friends are trying to get me to go out with this guy that i know, but i dont want to... i cant... i want to try, but i hold back so much... and one bad thing... im starting to fear being touched again. ill explain that... it sounds wrong... before i met my friend, i hated being tapped, poked, hugged, anything. i HATED it, but he got me over that. not nicely though... he and ali would tickle me, im VERY ticklish... but eventually i was over it, and i hugged people for the first time in years... but now, im starting to flinch again and withdraw when people get near me. i dont know why its coming back, but i hate it...I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! that reminds me... a song by The Darkness... "I Think Your Growing On Me" that was his ring tone on my cell phone... everytime i hear or say, "i dont know what to do" that pops in my head... like now stare it hurts so much... he was the one i ran to with my problems cuz i knew he would be there, he had my life in his hands, if he told me to shoot myself in the foot, i would, no questions asked. but thats gone now... for the better? not really...but im going now, talking to my friend on the phone xd just smile and be happy whee
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