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Lamia's Life
The Return
I woke and stretched. I put on clean clothes from the closet next to my bed, and put my new gun in its holster on my hip. I stepped out of the closet and towards the door. I noticed a note taped to it. I ripped it off and read it.

This isn't over. I'm not done. Last night further confirmed my belief of the fact that you need to be destroyed. Don't fear. I haven't harmed any of your loved ones. The only person I'm after is you.
I expect to see you shortly after you awake. I'll be in the Quater. You'll be able to find me. From there we will proceed to the fighting ground. Come alone. If however you insist on an audience I will not prevent that. We can make it a short end or you could lenghten it. Either way you will perish.
Krytys


I gasped. I was incensed.
"HE'S NUTS!" I told myself. I ran out on the deck and yelled for everyone to read the note. There were similar reactions to mine and there were ones that were petrified.
"Will you come with me? Just as witness to make him back off?" I asked them. They all said they would and we headed out.
Haréré, Krytys will not rest. He has shoved another death threat at me. I sent telepathically. I also sent all the contents of the note out.
Please come. I need you to be there. And if you could find Jean... or if you know where he is bring him please.lI sent desperate.

My crew and I arrived in the quater. I scouted out the places Krytys could be. I spotted him. As I began to walk towards him Haréré arrived at my side. Haréré squeezed my hand. We continued.
"Well. You have returned after being beaten to try to kill me again Krytys? You truely are a fool!" I said with a snicker.
"I think not. You see in my note I said you could bring an audience..." he said as 10 other vampires stepped out from behind him and gathered round him.
"But, I never said I was fighting by myself. Do you still want to do this?" he asked smirking.
"You are kidding right?" I asked.
"No, come to the battlefield." he said. he and his company began running away. We followed him.


Stop! Ok is he insane or what? He jsut got his a** whooped ny me and he is coming back for more! He is so srupid. I am laughing hysterically just remembering it now! i guess you want to know what happened, fine but still you have to laugh!


When we stopped we were in a large open valley with tall green grass and dozens of wildflowers. I sent my friends to the side out of the way. Some sat and others stood. Some paced while others stood stricken in fear for their captain. Krytys and his people fanned out around him. I stood there while they got into fighting poses waiting for Krytys to tell them to attack me. I carefully studided their faces. They were all confident. I invaded their minds and found Krytys had not told them I was exceptional in any way.


Stop! Again! Ok seriously! How stupid is he?! He didn't tell them I have bad a** super-powers? Well, bad move for him. Back to the drama!


They all thought I was some vampire that had pissed him off. I smirked and snickered.

I started to shake. My body stood rigid. Then springing out from me ten clones took position to fight. I looked at the enemies faces now and saw panic. my smile widened. I went into their minds again. This time I searched for the person they cared most for. I passed the information to my clones telepathically. They all smirked and stood still as they transfigured their apperance to that of the loved ones of the enemy.

I looked at their faces again. If I had thought they were panicky before it was nothing compared to the looks I saw now. They were flipping out! I felt sorry for them but, they had decided to fight against me. Stupid move for them, oh well. I wanted to try one more thing to see if I could get them to flee before the blood bath began. I took out my gun. I got confused looks from the enemy. I laughed which confused them more.

I held it so the barrel pointed straight up. I pulled the trigger. When I looked back she only saw Krytys standing there, just hinting that he feared me. Idiot

I looked for the men that had run from me. They were cowering behind my friends. I sent her clones to them and made them look normal. I made them console them and take them away. When the last was home I took the clones back into myself shivering.
"Are you ready Krytys?" I asked.
"No, you just got rid of my army!" he yelled trying to sound angry but coming across fearful.
"Is it fair to pit an army against one person?" I asked him.
"No. But you are an army!" he yelled fearfuly again his voice cracking.
"Look, I'm really wanting to kill you right now, but I'll let you go without a fight if you promise to leave me alone." I told him.
"Never!" he said pulling out his sword.
"So be it." I said.

I smiled wickedly, I figured even if it was killing one of my own kind, it would be fun to watch him burn. I pointed my gun at him.
"I'm out of your range. That thing only shot 20 feet up." he said.
"True, but this isn't up. This is straight." I said she smiled again even more viciously. Krytys attempted to make a run for it but I pulled the trigger to fast for him.

He caught on fire imediately. I put my gun away and walked to him. Standing over him I watched him burn. I saw his skin was already black. He tried rolling towards me but I lept out the way. He continued to roll. I laughed. In a matter of seconds the flames were out. I looked at him and laughed harder. He was burnt beyond recognition. He was like a stick figure. I told my freinds they could leave. Haréré left first with a sad smile. The rest left her awed and content. I walked to Krytys.
"I'm sorry it had to be this way." I told him.

I grabbed him and dragged his body while he moaned, groaned, and cursed at me. When I got to my destination I found the room I had prepared for him. I dropped him in the rotting coffin and left the lid open. I left the room and exited the building. I went straight to the bar. How I love vampire bars. They are just so much fun!

I laid on the velvet couches for hours talking and drinking with men, both human and vampire. I left but half an hour before dawn to return to my ship. My crew was already below deck asleep. I went into my room and fell asleep instantly once my head hit the pillow after I had changed. My mind replayed the night's events over and over while I tossed and turned restlessly. Why had Haréré walked away with a sad smile?






User Comments: [1]
Ryuustrasza
Community Member





Thu Aug 14, 2008 @ 01:17am


Ok it seems that you have a good storyline. The only things that I would suggest you look at, you should describe a bit more.

"Lamia woke and stretched. She put on clean clothes and put her new gun in its holster on her hip. She stepped out of her closet and towards the door. She noticed a note taped to it. She ripped it off and read it."

It never says that Lamia went into her closet, so it just seems like she was sleeping in her closet. Plus there is one thing that's kind of a grammar thing. When you have one person speak. You start a new paragraph when another person starts to speak.

"Person A Speaks"
"Person B Speaks"

One last thing, its kind of hard to read your journal becuase the whole entry is one paragraph. If you could seperate the entry into paragraphs it would be a bit easier to read.

But all-in-all it was good.


User Comments: [1]
 
 
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