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9.29.05
So, I was thinking today.
Maybe the world is better off without me in it.
Jen and Andrea helped me feel a little better last night. But this feeling just won't go away.
I feel like every single guy I come into contact can see past me and only see the things I have done. Maybe I was right when I had told Raymond that he was the only person I'd ever be with. Even after he was gone, I'd be alone no matter what.
I hate him so much, he used to be this wonderful person. But now all I see is hatred and disgust. Even though he does not vocalize his hatred, I can still feel it.
And you know what, I deserve that. Just as much as he deserves to die.
Its very unpleasant to feel remorse and hatred at the same time. I feel horrible for doing all the things I've done...maybe I did them to let people know I was actually capable of doing them. No one would suspect or believe that such a small, "sweet" looking girl could inflict so much damage upon a human being. Now that people know I can do these things (namely those who know me personally), theres this fear factor. They know not to piss me off royally. Once I get to a point in which I cannot come back from, I honestly can't hold back. Though I don't think I would ever go physical again. Every time I feel like going physical, I get this feeling of impending doom.
Some assholes I know would call this an exuse.
If there is no exuse for what I have done, then he should have no exuse either.
I may hate him, but I can never bring myself to fully hate him. He took my dignity, and thankfully nothing more than that. I can get that back in time.
Right now I just want to hurt myself. Like it really matters. I'm already sick, no one really noticed or gave a s**t, perhaps thats part of my punishment. I never really punished myself, so I guess I can get started.
I'm so upset at a lot of people right now that its making me physically sick.
I knew this plan would make me jealous, and hate-filled. Why did I ever agree to let her do this...
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