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Today I feel like I need to tie up some loose ends. I've had something on my mind for awhile, it's something that's been on my mind for awhile, but just recently have I been churning it in a new light. Usually thoughts of this made me mad, frustrated, depressed. But I'm finally looking back at it, and going oh well, nothing I can do, not my loss. But it still feels like I need to get some things out, even if the person I intend this for doesn't see it, just a way of finally saying good bye in my mind.

When we first met it was easy to tell you were cut deep, cast aside by the one person you wanted to hold your heart, and even with that much injury your 'friends', the people you wanted to be around, talk with, help, etc. etc. Did nothing for you, didn't want to talk about it, didn't want to make sure you were ok, as you yourself put it they just didn't care about you, they were 'clay statues posing for a portrait', I believe that's how you put it. We started talking and hanging out, despite how different we were, hell we both know we came from two different ends of the social spectrum. I was hanging out with you because it looked like you needed it, like you needed someone to help you off the ground. Why you were hanging out with me, or why you continued to after you got over that incident is beyond me. Either way we started to become 'friends', I can honestly say you were one of five people I would have taken a bullet for. I would have, and at times did bend over backwards for you, tossing my plans aside, be it with my family or my friends whenever it seemed like you needed me. Be it to talk in person or on the phone, go to a family outing with you because you don't want to feel alone, to buy shoes, whatever you needed I was there for. When we talked, it felt like we connected, like I had found someone that actually heard what I was saying, instead of just listening to the hollow words you picked apart the meaning, and agreed with it a majority of the time. Though now I sit here and look back at those conversations and wonder how much of it was true, and how much of it was you simply 'making conversation'.

either way the times we spent hanging out I enjoyed, I felt like you were a real person, someone I could teach, help shape, and in turn someone I could learn from. I trusted you with everything, my strengths, my flaws... And honestly I think that was a missplaced trust. One thing you were good at was reflecting what was given to you, if someone spoke you could sit there and act like you know what you were talking about and reflect an image they wanted to see, congrats.

When I look back at how things ended between us, I can't help but feel betrayed. It's like you made a conscience decision, do I want to be the person I've always talked about being? Or do I want to be the person I've always been told I want to be? Your views, morals, actions turned on a dime, you became overly aggressive, and distant. At the time I figured there was nothing I could do, I'd just back off, give you some time to clear your mind and try talking to you later. I still think that was a good move, because when we started talking again you seemed alot calmer... Or so it seemed. When we spoke, I made one mistake, I was weak, and you knew this.... And upon knowing this you took a stab at each one of my weak points, everything that you saw jarred me over the past few years we hung out you struck out with. Getting shot hurts, there's no doubt about that, knowing it was the one you openly referred to as your best friend hurts like hell. You were right, I don't believe you when you say he stole your phone, he might have saw what we were talking about and got onto you about it, but you were the one who said those words to me.

When I tried to reason with you, to talk to you, you kept telling me whatever helps me sleep at night. Those words probably did exactly what you intended them to, it pissed me off. Mainly because I didn't see myself as having done anything wrong. Though now I look back at you telling me that and have to laugh.... Who were you trying to convince? Which one of us needed help sleeping?

I started this entry out by saying I was seeing these things in a new light, I use to get angry thinking about all this, now I just feel sorry for you. You fought so hard to have an effect on the world around you, wanted so bad to take something in your hands and shape it to your will. Who you hang out with, your friends, job, etc. etc. But despite how bad you wanted to matter you gave in and went back to your scripted play.

Though my words might sound bitter I'm not saying any of this in spite. This is just my way of saying I'm done. I don't feel like fighting anymore, just finally telling you my side of how things went, and goodbye. I hope you're having fun up there at Muskingam, hope you find those close friends you were looking for, hope you grow up to become that big successful accountant, hope you have your big house with your private library and all those books to turn to when you don't like what the world shows you..... I'm sure you'll make mommy and daddy proud.