Captain amBEER
NO, YOUR EYES DO NOT DECIEVE YOU. I HAVE IN FACT LAMELY SPORKED A FIC.
ENJOY.
We open in a very small sporking theater, though bickering can be heard in the projection booth as Namine and Luxord join an already seated Axel, carrying snacks. Namine hands Axel a box of candies and seats herself between the two men, looking back towards the projection booth.
Luxord: What the hell's going on back there?
Axel: Eh, Cid's trying to trick your newbie into replacing him as the projection manager.
Cid: *from inside the booth* There ain't no goddamn germs on the film, just thread the damn thing through the projector! Ya got gloves on, fer Chrissakes!
Luxord: ...I wish him the greatest of luck.
Suddenly the screen flickers to life, and a slightly blurry title card is seen. After a few loud crashes and thumps from the projection booth, the title card comes into focus.
Luxord: *looks around, nervous* Oh dammit, is Namine even allowed to be in here? Isn't she a bit young for this type of badfic?
Somnam: *leaning out of the projection window* Aww, I checked the script, there isn't any porn. Not even sexual innuendos! *pout*
Luxord: ...I have a hard time believing this.
Axel: Not even I would let Namine in on one of you and Larxene's... things. Especially not a badfic one.
Namine: I didn't know you cared, Axel. *touched*
Axel: I don't, I just don't want Zexion on my case.
Number Ten was in the kitchen that never was, fixing himself some food.
Luxord: I think not. We've established the kitchen is not a safe place for me to be.
Axel: Did you get that mini fridge yet?
Luxord: I'm working on it.
Namine: What happened to proper capitalization? Shouldn't that be Kitchen That Never Was?
Axel: I thought we were calling it the Chamber of Forlorn Indigestion?
He had to keep his mind off of his deal with the Savage Nymph, and this was the best thing he could think of. It’s not like he would eat the sandwich, Luxord was just trying to be busy.
Namine: ...Right. Because Xaldin won't mind at all if-*wince*
Luxord: *glaring straight ahead*
Axel: ...Making a sandwich was the best way you could think of to waste time? Don't you control time? That's really lame, Luxord.
*flashback*
“Luxord,” Larxene yelled, “I don’t want to play with you. You cheat like there’s no tomorrow!”
Luxord: I resent that! Lies and slander! I'm not the cheater anyways. >:<
“Larxene, I promise I wont,” he pleaded.
She scowled turning away. Then a light bulb flashed above her head.
Namine: Oh ha ha, brilliant pun. *eyeroll* And what exactly are you promising you "wont"?
“Here’s a deal for you, Luxord. If you don’t gamble for a month, I will play with you.”
“That’s a deal,” he said smiling. He looked down to Larxene’s outstretched hand. Was he supposed to shake it?
Axel: Don't forget to spit on your palm first to seal the deal.
He shrugged mentally and gripped her small hand. Larxene daintily shook his hand and released the hold. She then opened a portal away.
Luxord: She didn't shock me?
Axel: No violence? No snappy retort?
Namine: ...That's definitely not Larxene.
He thought about the deal a while longer and then the thought struck him, no gambling meant no fun with card games. He started to scream and heard a faint laugh.
“Larxene, you dirty player,” he hissed.
Luxord: I-Bu-WHAT? This author is laboring under the delusion that I'm an idiot. *frown*
Axel: *glance to the side* Delusion?
Namine: Behave. *glare* You owe me.
Axel: *mutter* Yeah, fine, whatever.
*end flashback*
It’s been two weeks since he’s played an entertaining game with one of the other members. The Gambler of Fate sighed, and he put down the sandwich he had made. The wait was killing him. He wanted Larxene to fade so badly.
Namine: ...So if I made a deal with you not to gamble for a month, you'd want me to die two weeks into it?
Luxord: No, you see, Namine, that isn't me. That's some idiot who makes stupid deals and lacks the willpower to see them through.
Xigbar entered the room through a portal. He saw Luxord skulking so he asked, “What’s wrong?” those two were friends, as much as nobodies could be.
Axel: Why is Luxord skulking?
Namine: I'm pretty sure that Xigbar's best friend is Xald--*wince*
Luxord: *crosses arms, frowning*
It was just a big secret though.
Luxord: I'M NOT THE ONE WITH THE SECRETS. *eye twitches*
Namine: *hands him some of her candy*
“I made a deal with Larxene that I wouldn’t gamble,” he said with a gloomy look on his face.
“Rough dude, that’s rough. How long, forever?” he asked crossing his arms.
Luxord: Right, because I'm retarded, and definitely don't need to gamble to fight or anything.
Somnam: *pokes head out of booth* Admitting you have a problem is the first step towards getting help!
Luxord: Sarcasm, Somnam. *eye twitch*
“Naw, just about two more weeks,” he grumbled. “Originally it was a month, two weeks ago.”
“Y’ know, when I see you there, it looks like you’re actually sad,” he smiled. “Just kidding.” He started to laugh and Luxord joined in.
Namine: ...I fail to see why they're laughing.
Axel: Because making obvious statements about our obvious inability to feel is hilarious, obviously.
The Free Shooter soon broke the laughter, “anyway,” he eyed the sandwich, “can I have that?”
Luxord: *mutter* No.
Axel: Hey, that laughter was expensive.
Namine: And again, capitalization suffers. *sad*
Xigbar has a lame idea about walking from one end of TWTNW to the other to pass time. We'll just spare you the inanity.
“Hell no. I think I will just kill Larxene,” he said stroking his chin.
Everyone: *SPITTAKE*
Luxord: *slaps Namine on the back until she spits out the skittle she was choking on*
Xigbar had nearly dropped his plate, “dude you can’t do that! You could get eliminated for that!”
Axel: No, you can't do that 'cause you'd get your a** kicked just trying.
Namine: *looking around on floor*
Luxord: What are you doing?
Namine: I was hoping maybe Zexion dropped one of his red pens in here. The capitalization is getting to me, among other errors.
Somnam: *runs out and hands Namine a red pen*
Cid: Get yer a** back in here and man the projector!
“I said it as a joke. Bloody hell, can’t you tell a joke from regular speech?” Luxord threw his hands in the air.
“Well sorry for trying to care, Luxord!” Xigbar scowled. A portal opened at the door. Zexion walked out of it.
Luxord: Those three sentences could have gone so much better. And you suck at caring.
Namine: "Xigbar scowled, while a portal opened by the door and Zexion walked out of it"?
Axel: Aww, you get a cookie.
Silence entered the room. Zexion looked at them. “No hello? Well I guess I shouldn’t tell you the news, since I’m not here,” Luxord and Xigbar quickly noted his presence, “Oh, so I now mystically appear.
Axel: Well look who put extra bitchy in his tea this morning. *LEXICON'D OUTTA NOWHERE*
Well it seems that Larxene has faded. I’m just here to tell you that.”
Luxord: Ahh, Zexion, our handy messenger boy.
Axel: *expectant* ... *nothing happens* Aww, come on, I get Lexicon'd and he gets nothing?
Luxord: You obviously haven't had the pie before.
Luxord kept calm and stated, “Okay.”
Zexion glared at them. “Thanks for the goodbye,” and a portal enveloped him.
Namine: But he didn't say he was leaving. :/
Axel: Getting a little creative with that red pen?
Namine: The sentence being open on both ends annoyed me. It now annoys me slightly less.
The Gambler of Fate jumped up from where he was standing. He also yelled, “Ahahahah! I can gamble now! Yes!”
Luxord: *looks around, expecting the lightning bolt*
Lightning Bolt: DZZT!
Luxord: ...Yeah. Ain't love grand? :<
he also did many stunts including hugging Xigbar.
Luxord: *restrained from jumping angrily from his seat by Namine's firm and comforting hold on his wrist*
Axel: Stunts? Did you do a triple back handspring?
“Huh, easy now! I’m not a toy, Luxord!” he said within Luxord’s hug. Luxord stepped back rubbing his arm. “Now Luxord, does this teach you a lesson?”
Luxord: *mumble* Teaches me to kick your a**
Axel: While the whole discarded lover thing tickles me to no end, can we stay on subject, Luxord? We're almost done.
“Gamble like there’s no tomorrow!” Number Ten smiled as he mimicked the late number twelve.
Lightning Bolt: KAZAPP!
Everyone: *not surprised*
Luxord: *cough* Well. Looks like we're done.
Namine: *putting out Luxord's sleeve, which has come aflame* At least it's ov-
Teddie: do not get the idea that I made them gay for each other. They are friends. I made poor Zexy a loner like in the game.
Zexion: that’s right, nobody likes this nobody. No one even gives me a hello or good-bye. *sighs*
Teddie: Uh-uh, I love you *hugs*
Luxord: well I don’t.
Luxord: What the--WHO THE HELL IS THAT?
Namine: I...I'm so confused. D: Why is Zexion talking that way? And where did he come from?
Axel: I think it's just more of the badfic author bending Luxord and Zexion over a rock and fuc-*Luxord's hand claps over mouth*
Luxord: Right, you could have just said character rape.
Teddie: Luxy stop being mean to Zexy.
Zexy: hey! Why did my name change?! And will you stop hugging me?!
Xigbar: dude, everyone calls you Zexy, Zexy. *snickers*
Luxord: ...Oh thank Darkness Zexion's not here.
Namine: I've never called him Zexy in my life, I think fake!Xigbar's got the wrong facts. :/
Axel: Oh, well, it was before your time Namine. Yeah, back in the day everyone called him Zexy--*ducks expectantly...nothing happens* Ha. *LEXICON'D* WTF HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
Teddie: that’s right I, the author changed your name to Zexy. *stops hugging Zexy to step back and take out a sword to knight Zexy with the name Zexy* I knight thee, as Sir Zexy! Now as a writer, I’m going to say this: please read and review. For those who have actually read all the way down here, kudos. See you on the words, loyal readers! *waves* ‘-‘^
Namine: I'd like to leave a review. This sucked.
Axel: Well said. Let's get the hell out of here. *portals out*
Luxord: ...*surly*
Namine: ...You wanna go buy me icecream to make yourself feel better about Xigbar?
Luxord: ...Ok. *they portal out*
Back in the projection booth...
Somnam: So basically I do that all the time? Force them to experience terrible atrocities perpetrated against their characters?
Cid: Yeah. You run the projector, keep them on task if ya need ta, and make sure they don't blow the damn place up.
Somnam: 8D I'll start today! So, what's starting wage?
Cid: ...You don't get paid. Well, good luck, kid. *dashes out of theater before Somnam knows what hit him*
Somnam: ...Aww dang.
ENJOY.
We open in a very small sporking theater, though bickering can be heard in the projection booth as Namine and Luxord join an already seated Axel, carrying snacks. Namine hands Axel a box of candies and seats herself between the two men, looking back towards the projection booth.
Luxord: What the hell's going on back there?
Axel: Eh, Cid's trying to trick your newbie into replacing him as the projection manager.
Cid: *from inside the booth* There ain't no goddamn germs on the film, just thread the damn thing through the projector! Ya got gloves on, fer Chrissakes!
Luxord: ...I wish him the greatest of luck.
Suddenly the screen flickers to life, and a slightly blurry title card is seen. After a few loud crashes and thumps from the projection booth, the title card comes into focus.
Luxord’s Bet with Larxene
Luxord: *looks around, nervous* Oh dammit, is Namine even allowed to be in here? Isn't she a bit young for this type of badfic?
Somnam: *leaning out of the projection window* Aww, I checked the script, there isn't any porn. Not even sexual innuendos! *pout*
Luxord: ...I have a hard time believing this.
Axel: Not even I would let Namine in on one of you and Larxene's... things. Especially not a badfic one.
Namine: I didn't know you cared, Axel. *touched*
Axel: I don't, I just don't want Zexion on my case.
Number Ten was in the kitchen that never was, fixing himself some food.
Luxord: I think not. We've established the kitchen is not a safe place for me to be.
Axel: Did you get that mini fridge yet?
Luxord: I'm working on it.
Namine: What happened to proper capitalization? Shouldn't that be Kitchen That Never Was?
Axel: I thought we were calling it the Chamber of Forlorn Indigestion?
He had to keep his mind off of his deal with the Savage Nymph, and this was the best thing he could think of. It’s not like he would eat the sandwich, Luxord was just trying to be busy.
Namine: ...Right. Because Xaldin won't mind at all if-*wince*
Luxord: *glaring straight ahead*
Axel: ...Making a sandwich was the best way you could think of to waste time? Don't you control time? That's really lame, Luxord.
*flashback*
“Luxord,” Larxene yelled, “I don’t want to play with you. You cheat like there’s no tomorrow!”
Luxord: I resent that! Lies and slander! I'm not the cheater anyways. >:<
“Larxene, I promise I wont,” he pleaded.
She scowled turning away. Then a light bulb flashed above her head.
Namine: Oh ha ha, brilliant pun. *eyeroll* And what exactly are you promising you "wont"?
“Here’s a deal for you, Luxord. If you don’t gamble for a month, I will play with you.”
“That’s a deal,” he said smiling. He looked down to Larxene’s outstretched hand. Was he supposed to shake it?
Axel: Don't forget to spit on your palm first to seal the deal.
He shrugged mentally and gripped her small hand. Larxene daintily shook his hand and released the hold. She then opened a portal away.
Luxord: She didn't shock me?
Axel: No violence? No snappy retort?
Namine: ...That's definitely not Larxene.
He thought about the deal a while longer and then the thought struck him, no gambling meant no fun with card games. He started to scream and heard a faint laugh.
“Larxene, you dirty player,” he hissed.
Luxord: I-Bu-WHAT? This author is laboring under the delusion that I'm an idiot. *frown*
Axel: *glance to the side* Delusion?
Namine: Behave. *glare* You owe me.
Axel: *mutter* Yeah, fine, whatever.
*end flashback*
It’s been two weeks since he’s played an entertaining game with one of the other members. The Gambler of Fate sighed, and he put down the sandwich he had made. The wait was killing him. He wanted Larxene to fade so badly.
Namine: ...So if I made a deal with you not to gamble for a month, you'd want me to die two weeks into it?
Luxord: No, you see, Namine, that isn't me. That's some idiot who makes stupid deals and lacks the willpower to see them through.
Xigbar entered the room through a portal. He saw Luxord skulking so he asked, “What’s wrong?” those two were friends, as much as nobodies could be.
Axel: Why is Luxord skulking?
Namine: I'm pretty sure that Xigbar's best friend is Xald--*wince*
Luxord: *crosses arms, frowning*
It was just a big secret though.
Luxord: I'M NOT THE ONE WITH THE SECRETS. *eye twitches*
Namine: *hands him some of her candy*
“I made a deal with Larxene that I wouldn’t gamble,” he said with a gloomy look on his face.
“Rough dude, that’s rough. How long, forever?” he asked crossing his arms.
Luxord: Right, because I'm retarded, and definitely don't need to gamble to fight or anything.
Somnam: *pokes head out of booth* Admitting you have a problem is the first step towards getting help!
Luxord: Sarcasm, Somnam. *eye twitch*
“Naw, just about two more weeks,” he grumbled. “Originally it was a month, two weeks ago.”
“Y’ know, when I see you there, it looks like you’re actually sad,” he smiled. “Just kidding.” He started to laugh and Luxord joined in.
Namine: ...I fail to see why they're laughing.
Axel: Because making obvious statements about our obvious inability to feel is hilarious, obviously.
The Free Shooter soon broke the laughter, “anyway,” he eyed the sandwich, “can I have that?”
Luxord: *mutter* No.
Axel: Hey, that laughter was expensive.
Namine: And again, capitalization suffers. *sad*
Xigbar has a lame idea about walking from one end of TWTNW to the other to pass time. We'll just spare you the inanity.
“Hell no. I think I will just kill Larxene,” he said stroking his chin.
Everyone: *SPITTAKE*
Luxord: *slaps Namine on the back until she spits out the skittle she was choking on*
Xigbar had nearly dropped his plate, “dude you can’t do that! You could get eliminated for that!”
Axel: No, you can't do that 'cause you'd get your a** kicked just trying.
Namine: *looking around on floor*
Luxord: What are you doing?
Namine: I was hoping maybe Zexion dropped one of his red pens in here. The capitalization is getting to me, among other errors.
Somnam: *runs out and hands Namine a red pen*
Cid: Get yer a** back in here and man the projector!
“I said it as a joke. Bloody hell, can’t you tell a joke from regular speech?” Luxord threw his hands in the air.
“Well sorry for trying to care, Luxord!” Xigbar scowled. A portal opened at the door. Zexion walked out of it.
Luxord: Those three sentences could have gone so much better. And you suck at caring.
Namine: "Xigbar scowled, while a portal opened by the door and Zexion walked out of it"?
Axel: Aww, you get a cookie.
Silence entered the room. Zexion looked at them. “No hello? Well I guess I shouldn’t tell you the news, since I’m not here,” Luxord and Xigbar quickly noted his presence, “Oh, so I now mystically appear.
Axel: Well look who put extra bitchy in his tea this morning. *LEXICON'D OUTTA NOWHERE*
Well it seems that Larxene has faded. I’m just here to tell you that.”
Luxord: Ahh, Zexion, our handy messenger boy.
Axel: *expectant* ... *nothing happens* Aww, come on, I get Lexicon'd and he gets nothing?
Luxord: You obviously haven't had the pie before.
Luxord kept calm and stated, “Okay.”
Zexion glared at them. “Thanks for the goodbye,” and a portal enveloped him.
Namine: But he didn't say he was leaving. :/
Axel: Getting a little creative with that red pen?
Namine: The sentence being open on both ends annoyed me. It now annoys me slightly less.
The Gambler of Fate jumped up from where he was standing. He also yelled, “Ahahahah! I can gamble now! Yes!”
Luxord: *looks around, expecting the lightning bolt*
Lightning Bolt: DZZT!
Luxord: ...Yeah. Ain't love grand? :<
he also did many stunts including hugging Xigbar.
Luxord: *restrained from jumping angrily from his seat by Namine's firm and comforting hold on his wrist*
Axel: Stunts? Did you do a triple back handspring?
“Huh, easy now! I’m not a toy, Luxord!” he said within Luxord’s hug. Luxord stepped back rubbing his arm. “Now Luxord, does this teach you a lesson?”
Luxord: *mumble* Teaches me to kick your a**
Axel: While the whole discarded lover thing tickles me to no end, can we stay on subject, Luxord? We're almost done.
“Gamble like there’s no tomorrow!” Number Ten smiled as he mimicked the late number twelve.
Lightning Bolt: KAZAPP!
Everyone: *not surprised*
Luxord: *cough* Well. Looks like we're done.
Namine: *putting out Luxord's sleeve, which has come aflame* At least it's ov-
Teddie: do not get the idea that I made them gay for each other. They are friends. I made poor Zexy a loner like in the game.
Zexion: that’s right, nobody likes this nobody. No one even gives me a hello or good-bye. *sighs*
Teddie: Uh-uh, I love you *hugs*
Luxord: well I don’t.
Luxord: What the--WHO THE HELL IS THAT?
Namine: I...I'm so confused. D: Why is Zexion talking that way? And where did he come from?
Axel: I think it's just more of the badfic author bending Luxord and Zexion over a rock and fuc-*Luxord's hand claps over mouth*
Luxord: Right, you could have just said character rape.
Teddie: Luxy stop being mean to Zexy.
Zexy: hey! Why did my name change?! And will you stop hugging me?!
Xigbar: dude, everyone calls you Zexy, Zexy. *snickers*
Luxord: ...Oh thank Darkness Zexion's not here.
Namine: I've never called him Zexy in my life, I think fake!Xigbar's got the wrong facts. :/
Axel: Oh, well, it was before your time Namine. Yeah, back in the day everyone called him Zexy--*ducks expectantly...nothing happens* Ha. *LEXICON'D* WTF HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
Teddie: that’s right I, the author changed your name to Zexy. *stops hugging Zexy to step back and take out a sword to knight Zexy with the name Zexy* I knight thee, as Sir Zexy! Now as a writer, I’m going to say this: please read and review. For those who have actually read all the way down here, kudos. See you on the words, loyal readers! *waves* ‘-‘^
Namine: I'd like to leave a review. This sucked.
Axel: Well said. Let's get the hell out of here. *portals out*
Luxord: ...*surly*
Namine: ...You wanna go buy me icecream to make yourself feel better about Xigbar?
Luxord: ...Ok. *they portal out*
Back in the projection booth...
Somnam: So basically I do that all the time? Force them to experience terrible atrocities perpetrated against their characters?
Cid: Yeah. You run the projector, keep them on task if ya need ta, and make sure they don't blow the damn place up.
Somnam: 8D I'll start today! So, what's starting wage?
Cid: ...You don't get paid. Well, good luck, kid. *dashes out of theater before Somnam knows what hit him*
Somnam: ...Aww dang.
