Well... School is finally out. Of course, it has been about three weeks already but... It finally just registered in my head. Over the course of these past three weeks I've had time to really think about all the things I don't really think about while school is in. Things that I push to the back of my mind, like relationships with friends, love, and even things as simple as my appearance and how I look. I pretty much stop caring about them just to keep above water in school, but now...
I don't know. Recently I look in the mirror and I'm just... not happy with what I see. Most people who have problems being accepted socially tend to turn to other ways to make themselves happy, whether it be how thin they are or how pretty in the face they look. But I've never really cared about what I look like. I've never been a girl to straighten her hair every morning and throw on make-up to ever look good for ANYBODY.
My senior year is coming up. And I was just informed the day I got back from Johnny's that mom forgot to reschedule my appointment to get my Senior pictures done. Let's think for a minute. Senior pictures. EVERYONE looks good in their senior pictures. Why? Because they go out and get their makeup done and hair done and eyebrows done and completely doll up for it like they do for prom. What about me...? In my current situation, well, I heard Senior pictures and I nearly started crying. I want my Senior pictures to look good enough to pass out to my friends and family, not curses like my school pictures do every year. Now, Senior pictures are right around the corner, and I haven't gotten anything done with myself. It's so upsetting for a teenage girl.
I look at some of my friends from Pine Ridge and then think about the fair few I have from Countryside, but mainly old Pine Ridge friends. How pretty and pefect they are, how it seems like they're just blessed with looking good. I don't even have to think about just Pine Ridge friends for that either. It seems like all the girl friends I know are so photogenic, so perfect. I never let it bother me before, but now I actually have time to. Lately, I've been just sitting and... Looking at different ways I can get my hair cut, and thinking about getting some of this good makeup that'll help with acne and crap that I've had a problem with lately. If makeup makes anyone look good, why can't it make me? I've whined to mom about getting me in to a dermatologist to get my skin checked out since I've had a problem with it for awhile but I've never really delt with it because... Well, I just haven't cared! But now it's just... bothering me...
Never have I really focused on my figure or weight either. I don't wear shorts to school unless it's for Band stuff because I just don't have the legs for it. Nothing else figure wise I never, ever cared about. I wear jeans, baggy t-shirts and sneakers. Never bothered with skirts and pretty shirts and things these days that are in style. This is my SENIOR year coming up, and I know only one person in my graduating class. I guess my biggest goal next year is to get to know a lot of people and leave a positive impression and make up for my failure in popularity in school by being pretty and making a comeback from last semester when I was a mess.
I've been wanting to take up figure skating as a hobby/sport to get into shape while having fun at the same time, but it takes money. Money for lessons, money for ice skates, money for the cute outfits I'm going to want... Look at all really good figure skaters and they're like... as perfect as malibu barbie. I don't eat wrong or anything, most of the time. I avoid burgers and things you would find at fast-food places because they tend to upset my stomach. But it would be nice to have a perfect figure while I'm still young. I have less than a year to get that perfection then I turn 18 and really stop growing.
I don't need my friends coming and telling me, "You look just fine!" and think that I'm going to feel peachy keen. It's something that I have to do for myself, but how? These days the world revolves around money, which is something I'm seemingly lacking. Like, I want to do all of these things and the only thing stopping me is my halted cash flow. Go get a job, you think. Well right now I don't exactly have a running car to get a job, and then once that's running I can't just run out and GET one. I know that once the kids get back from their dad's, I'm going to be babysitting every single day that mom's at work. Where does that leave me? Certainly not working.
So, this is what's on my mind recently, and it's going to keep haunting me until I do something about it. And now, I'm going to go through my clothes and belongings and throw some old stuff out that I've been hoarding and never wear and use, then go through my makeup and get rid of the crappy stuff. After that I'm probably going to go get a shower and then lay in bed and think of all the things I can do to make myself prettier so I'll feel happier about my recent non-acceptance in my social life. And then be a total hypocrite and eat a carton of ice cream like all girls do when they're feeling down about things. Comment if you'd like.
I don't know. Recently I look in the mirror and I'm just... not happy with what I see. Most people who have problems being accepted socially tend to turn to other ways to make themselves happy, whether it be how thin they are or how pretty in the face they look. But I've never really cared about what I look like. I've never been a girl to straighten her hair every morning and throw on make-up to ever look good for ANYBODY.
My senior year is coming up. And I was just informed the day I got back from Johnny's that mom forgot to reschedule my appointment to get my Senior pictures done. Let's think for a minute. Senior pictures. EVERYONE looks good in their senior pictures. Why? Because they go out and get their makeup done and hair done and eyebrows done and completely doll up for it like they do for prom. What about me...? In my current situation, well, I heard Senior pictures and I nearly started crying. I want my Senior pictures to look good enough to pass out to my friends and family, not curses like my school pictures do every year. Now, Senior pictures are right around the corner, and I haven't gotten anything done with myself. It's so upsetting for a teenage girl.
I look at some of my friends from Pine Ridge and then think about the fair few I have from Countryside, but mainly old Pine Ridge friends. How pretty and pefect they are, how it seems like they're just blessed with looking good. I don't even have to think about just Pine Ridge friends for that either. It seems like all the girl friends I know are so photogenic, so perfect. I never let it bother me before, but now I actually have time to. Lately, I've been just sitting and... Looking at different ways I can get my hair cut, and thinking about getting some of this good makeup that'll help with acne and crap that I've had a problem with lately. If makeup makes anyone look good, why can't it make me? I've whined to mom about getting me in to a dermatologist to get my skin checked out since I've had a problem with it for awhile but I've never really delt with it because... Well, I just haven't cared! But now it's just... bothering me...
Never have I really focused on my figure or weight either. I don't wear shorts to school unless it's for Band stuff because I just don't have the legs for it. Nothing else figure wise I never, ever cared about. I wear jeans, baggy t-shirts and sneakers. Never bothered with skirts and pretty shirts and things these days that are in style. This is my SENIOR year coming up, and I know only one person in my graduating class. I guess my biggest goal next year is to get to know a lot of people and leave a positive impression and make up for my failure in popularity in school by being pretty and making a comeback from last semester when I was a mess.
I've been wanting to take up figure skating as a hobby/sport to get into shape while having fun at the same time, but it takes money. Money for lessons, money for ice skates, money for the cute outfits I'm going to want... Look at all really good figure skaters and they're like... as perfect as malibu barbie. I don't eat wrong or anything, most of the time. I avoid burgers and things you would find at fast-food places because they tend to upset my stomach. But it would be nice to have a perfect figure while I'm still young. I have less than a year to get that perfection then I turn 18 and really stop growing.
I don't need my friends coming and telling me, "You look just fine!" and think that I'm going to feel peachy keen. It's something that I have to do for myself, but how? These days the world revolves around money, which is something I'm seemingly lacking. Like, I want to do all of these things and the only thing stopping me is my halted cash flow. Go get a job, you think. Well right now I don't exactly have a running car to get a job, and then once that's running I can't just run out and GET one. I know that once the kids get back from their dad's, I'm going to be babysitting every single day that mom's at work. Where does that leave me? Certainly not working.
So, this is what's on my mind recently, and it's going to keep haunting me until I do something about it. And now, I'm going to go through my clothes and belongings and throw some old stuff out that I've been hoarding and never wear and use, then go through my makeup and get rid of the crappy stuff. After that I'm probably going to go get a shower and then lay in bed and think of all the things I can do to make myself prettier so I'll feel happier about my recent non-acceptance in my social life. And then be a total hypocrite and eat a carton of ice cream like all girls do when they're feeling down about things. Comment if you'd like.
